Am I…are we… is this a date? *elevator opens & he leaves*
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Hey Law & Order, please stop throwing around the word semen all willy-nilly, I’m trying to watch this with my mom
ah yes the two sexualities, queer and italian
Headache Protip:
Bang your toe into something.
How do you stop a rhino from charging?
You take away its USB cable.
Watching horror movies has convinced me that answering a phone never ends well for anyone.
My son can play any song by ear on the piano.
I can sort items for the recycling bin.
it kinda makes me laugh when I see old men put “not interested in bots” in their bios on here, as though the bots will read it and are thereby be obligated to respect their boundaries like they did back in the good old bot days of yore
How dare you call me naive!
I’d sue you for slander if I hadn’t sent all my money to that Nigerian prince.
Soccer moms drinking from sports bottles. You’re not fooling anyone, we know you have wine in there and you should share.
“He has no self control!” I mutter angrily as I try to sneak an oreo and realize my husband already finished them
Men only want ONE THING and it’s to have a portrait hidden in their attic that becomes ugly and twisted while they remain young and beautiful forever
*driving past a house already decorated for Halloween*
6, muttering to himself: why do they have a scarecrow? They don’t even have any crops
Day 2 without sports:
Found a young lady sitting on my couch yesterday. Apparently she’s my wife. She seems nice.
Mugger: “Hand over your stuff! No funny business!”
*I give him my wallet and phone but not my business proposal to open a clown college*
I’ve been following this strict diet all week & so far all I’ve lost is my patience
“Draw me like one of your Trash girls”
I read that 83% of prison inmates are Christians…should I be concerned with my safety when I’m up in Heaven?
i’m selfie-employed. yes sir i’ll make a duck-face. right away sir.
As an alpha male, I rebuke rollercoasters. I will not be jostled and flown along a silly track according to another man’s engineering. Flipping around some pervert’s dream. And what if I squeal??
Tomi Lahren is pretty confident for a person whose first and last names are both misspelled
My 9YO told me she didn’t think I was allowed to watch an R-rated movie because you have to be “at least 70” to watch that and I’m just like hell yeah she thinks I’m under 70.
Me: *pays $40 for tickets to the zoo*
Four-year-old: Look, a rock!
I wish the blonde girl with the pterodactyls would hurry up and kill everyone.
PROPHET DANIEL: Behold! the fourth beast had ten eyes and ten horns. Even the horns had eyes
KING BELSHAZZAR: do you even hear yourself Dan
Got fired from my last job as a nightclub promoter because I refuse to break the first rule of nightclub
Survivor 1: “Help! I can’t swim! I’m drowning!” Survivor 2: “I have a buoy, friend.”
[5 min into first date]
Her: I have a pug named Piglet-
Me: [motioning waiter for check] I’d like to go meet him rn
Fun Fact: In New York City it’s a Class A felony for a pizzeria to run out of pepperoni.
WIFE: You forgot my birthday again didn’t you?
ME: [putting wrapping paper round the cat] Goddammit, I told you not to turn round yet Janet
What number SPF blocks people?