“Am I as bored as you are?” can be read backwards and still make sense.
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“You can’t just erase people out of your life”
Me:
Its ridiculous that Wile E. Coyote is remembered for his anger issues and not for his amazing & realistic paintings of fake tunnels.
Need some quiet time this Mother’s Day? Stick your toddler in the tub with a dissolved bath bomb and ask her to find it
“The Shining isn’t a Christmas movie” shut up there’s literally snow in it
Mayonnaise has been getting a lot of hate, but if you don’t shake up a squeeze bottle of mustard well enough, it will pee on your sandwich.
A Mexican stand-off, but it’s 3 Canadians each trying to pay the bill and they all have to pee
I wish the Popemobile was outfitted more like a little aquarium for him. Put a treasure chest in there, maybe even a scuba guy.
Me: I need to finish the semester strong
Friend: hey
Me: u right, I should skip class tomorrow
Them: What’s wrong with you?
Me: *gets them a chair and puts on the kettle*
Her hands were garlic breadsticks of action. Her face was a Cesar salad of expression.
Guys, if you want to make a girl moan, tremble, and scream: be a spider.
Nature Valley granola bar: 42 grams
Crumbs left after eating it: 43 grams
So I just watched Contagion and tbh, if they had watched the end of the film first, they could have saved a lot of lives.
a ‘suggested’ serving size of chips seems to have been calculated by someone who has never eaten a chip
People always say I make things sound sexual but I try not to pry them open and force my thick throbbing opinion down inside them.
He died doing what he loved, surprising tigers.
WIFE: Let’s role-play
ME: OK
W: U be a teacher
*I get up & leave*
W: Where u going?
M: Do u have ANY idea how much paperwork I’ve got to do?
Would it kill the makers of avocados to put a different toy inside?
[restaurant]
me: *pointing* I’ll have that platter for one please
server: but that’s the ‘All You Can Eat’ buffet table, sir
me: challenge accepted
Just remembered when my high school changed the dress code to forbid “non-human-colored hair,” and this girl showed up with neon-pink braids the next day, and when they tried to send her home her mom said “I’m her colorist and I am in fact human.”
On my tombstone:
She died still despising
deconstructed food
My parents: “the virus cannot survive in hot places so you need to periodically gargle boiling water and run a hairdryer at your throat”
Me: “…how did you raise me without killing me”
In Texas you’re allowed to shoot someone just for being on your property. Man if I lived there I’d host sooo many parties
Me: you look tired. Would you like to take a little nap?
4: I wasn’t yawning. I was doing my yawning exercises.
We’re all ridiculous…
It’s not a competition.
I should be getting paid for getting up at 3 am. to go pee.
!!!!!!!!!!!
*deep inhale*
YOU TELLIN ME A GAR LICKED THIS BREAD!?!?!?!???!??!?!?!?!?!?!?!
me: *knocking* hello is anyone home
mcdonalds employee: we told u last week u dont have to knock
me: oh good ur home can i have one mcfood
I know how to share fries even if others do not. I am a bear.
