“Am I as bored as you are?” can be read backwards and still make sense.
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today i learned that up to half of the worker ants in a colony are only pretending to work. just looking busy so they don’t get tasked with anything. i respect ants so much more
If you think one of my tweets is about you, it isn’t. Except this one.
Shhh, turn out the lights and hide. My feelings are knocking on the door.
I don’t know what the 5 love languages are but one of them better have peanut butter inside
me: meet my invisible gf
friend: u don’t have to settle for that
me: ok but she’s–
friend: i was talking to her
My husband said I looked tired so I ate his ice cream bar.
Why aren’t there more Christmas songs about revenge?
This is worse than season 7 of The Walking Dead
Why do the French eat snails?
Because they don’t like fast food.
Show everyone in the room you are thirsty by making a ‘muuaah’ sound every time someone kisses on the television!
rapatouille
*draws chalk outline around my VISA card*
Forgiveness is for people who don’t know about arson.
He said it’s canoodle night later, and I thought great, I love lasagna.
If I ever get murdered, I want two white women with a podcast to solve it in their free time
overrated: crying in the shower
underrated: using the shower rack for all the assorted condiments for your shower tacos
Me: Clean your room.
Daughter: Won’t
Me: Do your homework.
Daughter: Can’t
Me: I’m taking your phone then.
Daughter: DON’T16 years later & the contractions are still coming every 10 seconds
BREAKING: Dressed as Cat, Jared Leto Pushes Fellow Attendees Off Table at Met Gala
Me: “Let’s go. I’ve got the kid buckled up.”
Wife: “You mean ‘kids,’ plural, right?”
Me: “I’ll be right back.”
Them: “It gave me all the feelings!”
Me: “Literally just name one.”
Me: if I’m not superman then explain THIS! *rips shirt open*
Her: um you’re not wearing the costume
Me: pretty strong though
It’s taking this nurse 20 minutes to get my chart ready for the doctor, every few minutes she asks which hand is numb again.
“C’mon man, just as far as Cincinnati. I got a cousin there.”
Geez ONE crystal champagne glass gets broken and I’m not allowed to use them in the cat obstacle course anymore
Why is such a large part of early childhood education learning what sounds animals make. That’s never going to come up. It’s not even important if they ever meet those animals. I’ve never said “moo” to a cow and have it go “thank you for learning about my culture”
You can’t tell me to make mental health a priority and also keep putting calorie counts on restaurant menus.
Expecting Parents,
PLEASE
I beg you
Please look at what your child’s name will be spelled backwards.Sincerely,
Marlana
*gets stabbed and looted by mugger*
me: “oh yeah just leave like everyone else does”
Do you ever think about how many people squeezed the avocado that you’re eating?