“Am I as bored as you are?” can be read backwards and still make sense.
You Might Also Like
My kids act like they’re afraid of monsters, when they are literally the most terrifying creatures I’ve ever met.
Boy, are you a protractor because with all your measured angles and collected numbers you’re such a transparent tool.
Terrorist Threat Level: Porcupine
wife: what the hell?
me: that’s…
wife: don’t do it
me: just…
wife: i mean it
me: how…
wife: i’m warning you
me: they…
wife: STOP
me: roll
If you want a relationship to work, you have to compromise. Maybe you don’t like your partner’s taste in music. Maybe they don’t like the wild raccoons that you let sleep on the bed- while they are forced to sleep on the porch. If you care about each other, you make it work.
*eats only grass-fed donuts
Biden: Showed Trump our terror briefings about Equestria.
Obama: Equestria? Isn’t that My Little Pony?
Biden: 😉
I can’t stand fake people.
Unless you’re with me and we are faking that we are sober for a cop.
Then you need to be Oscar winning fake.
If your name got called on The Price is Right, it’d be fun to scream, jump up and down, and then run full speed out of the studio
3 years ago today I signed up for Twitter. Since then, I’ve walked into 8 light poles, stepped on 5 cats and looked up from my phone twice.
[interview for waiter position]
Manager: “So how experienced are you at carrying multiple plates?”
Stegosaurus: “You’re kidding me right?”
Spring of Deception
I got caught with my hand in cookie jar again.
I really need a better nickname for her.
i casually mentioned to my wife how ive started smiling with my eyes at work to signal no-threat and increase a sense of camaraderie and she’s like “what what do you mean smile with your eyes” and i showed her and she told me to never make that face again
Emojis are so weird. It’s like “I enjoyed your comment, here is a smiling disembodied head suffering from jaundice”.
I don’t know, just add a romantic vampire.
~The 2000’s
I carry two flashlights in case I ever have to help an airplane land.
Don’t talk to me until after I’ve had my breakfast beer
Corgi: why are my legs so short?
God: that’s just what legs look like.
Corgi: oh cool.
[giraffe walks by]
Corgi:
God: you weren’t supposed to see that.
Sure. Why not?
I thought I was smooth, sneaking away from my date to watch a YouTube tutorial on chopsticks, but all he did was ask in horror why I took my chopsticks into the bathroom.
Wife: You guys never eat the food before it goes bad!
Also my wife: *buys 40lbs of grapes because they’re on sale*
I’ve trained my cat so that when I call his name he stares at me coldly for 6 seconds and then leaves the room for 2-5 hours.
When someone asks if I have any hobbies
Why are so many men suddenly curious who my father is right in the middle of our lovemaking?
Origami was invented by a young Japanese child trying to hide his report card.
Wow, the CIA making jokes on Twitter shows they’re just as human as any other bunch of guys who kidnap people and torture them in secret.
It’s really disturbing how that bear family in those Charmin commercials are so open with each other about shitting.
The Bachelor is like “Meet Savannah from Brooklyn, Madison from Savannah, Brooklyn from Madison”