“Am I as bored as you are?” can be read backwards and still make sense.
You Might Also Like
I’m glad they call themselves attorneys-at-law. I wouldn’t want to accidently hire an attorney-at-baking or an attorney-at-pottery.
[operating room]
NEUROSURGEON: and now is the most delicate part of the surgery, where we remove the fluid that has built up in his brain…
NURSE: *nods to assistant* he’s ready for the rice now
Apparently the thirstiest creature in the whole world is always a kid who’s been told to go back to his bed like a hundred times.
date: I wrote a book on lions
me: *mouthful of pasta* wouldn’t paper have been easier?
According to customer service I can not bring sexy back…
Without the receipt, apparently.
No my carpet doesn’t match my drapes cause I don’t have carpet , Duh….
Your Honor, these 52 selfies on my clients phone at the precise moment of the crime prove that my client can only be guilty of narcissism.
[hunting]
“In order to attract the stag, I perform the special call”
[clears throat, cups hands round mouth]
“COME OVER HERE, ANTLER JERK”
[prison riot]
me: here comes the tickle monster!!
[gets stabbed 100 times]
*looking at a stalactite*
ME: Man, look at that stalagmite!
GUIDE: —tite
ME: Right? Dope as hell.
me: so did it hurt?
her: yes, a lot
me: when i splashed that salsa in your eye?
her: I SAID YES
Interviewer: Any special skills?
Me: Eclairvoyance.
Him: I don’t understand.
Me: There’s a box of donuts in your desk
Him: YOU KNOW TOO MUCH
me: how can I impress your dad?
gf: he’s really into cars
me: ok
[later]
her dad: nice to meet youme: let’s talk about pixar’s finest movie
*grabs knife, cuts forehead, lies on floor*
Wife walks in: “WHAT HAPPENED?”
“A burglar came in right when I was about to clean the house”
If we dated before I turned 18 you’re not my ex. You’re my childhood friend.
animation is NOT for kids. animation is for nobody. drawings have no business moving like that
Wife: he’s always confusing sayings…
Therapist: what if you’re just misinterpreting him?
Me: oooh, check you out playing devil’s avocado
One of my favorite things about sports is when they put the designated object in the designated area ahhhh what a rush
First day of packing for a move: *dresses each Barbie before putting them in a box*
Second day of packing for a move: *dumps entire contents of desk drawer into Target bag and ties it up with USB cord*
my daughter hones her survival instincts by forgoing the provided bowl and spreading goldfish crackers all over the house to forage & store
why do marvel movies need 3 hours to accomplish what the powerpuff girls did in 11 minutes
Her: I’m just a vintage soul
Me: and a vintage face..That’s how the fight started
“Where you going, we’re in the middle of a conversation.”
OMG! This is just the middle.
Annnnnd that’s how the fight started.
Sad how shallow some women can be. I was informed the girl I like said she’d NEVER date a guy w/ a job like mine. Sorry I’m not some hot shot lawyer or doctor. Idk, maybe embezzling money from a children’s cancer research fund isn’t the most prestigious job but it pays the bills
I’ve never simultaneously loved something so much and wanted it to shut up as badly as I do with my kids.
Last night my wife was watching Marie Kondo, this morning I woke up on the curb.
I went to a vegan restaurant once. Wait, no, that was just a florist.
The most embarrassing moment of my life was when I called my teacher “mom” during sex.
The “I Voted” sticker should have a frowny face on it this year.
3 things you never get back :
A word after it’s said
Time after it’s passed
Your pen if I really like it