“Am I as bored as you are?” can be read backwards and still make sense.
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Salad is by far the lamest type of bar.
3 eggs may not feed my family, but I found 2 boxes of cake mix and Mama ’bout to turn water into wine.
The only thing that could have made Coyote Ugly better would have been a few ceiling fans.
You won’t believe this, kids, but TV used to end. Every day. They played the national anthem, and then it just…stopped. Scary, huh?
Interviewer: [looking through file] Are you still disruptive at nap time?
Me: Wow, they weren’t kidding about that permanent record thing.
me: do you guys massage calves
masseuse: of course
me: perfect [holds door open for a bunch of baby cows]
VILLAGERS: Stop crying wolf, you stupid idiot!
BOY: Fine
{later}
BOY: Help…Wolf!
WOLF: What’s up?
BOY: I need you to kill the villagers
Reminder: Please just hit the “RT” button on my tweets if you’re ugly. Don’t want people associating your busted face with my art.
don’t care who let the cat out of the bag. who’s puttin cats in bags
Well kids, when a man and woman love each other very much, he erects a monument for her, but in his pants.
[on the phone]
HER: are you chillin?
ME: oh im chillin. im chillin like a—[cop walks by & i start sweating]—like a law-abiding citizen
I don’t have that many drinks. I just freshen up the one constantly.
[getting a checkup]
DOCTOR: On average, how much alcohol do you drink in a day?
ME: *sweating* NO ONE SAID THERE WOULD BE ANY MATH
Its ridiculous that Wile E. Coyote is remembered for his anger issues and not for his amazing & realistic paintings of fake tunnels.
Don’t tell me where I go when I die, I want it to be a surprise
A horror movie, but it’s just me afraid to go into the kitchen after the kids made cookies by themselves for the first time
Pain medication got me itching to operate heavy machinery in the dark
oh you don’t want my dog to bark at you? then why would you stand calmly within a 2 mile radius of my house
Tremendous stuff
Nine out of ten dentist recommend you renew your car warranty or your girl won’t do that thing you like!!!
As a child, my family’s menu consisted of two choices – take it or leave it.
Some people are uncouth but not me, I’m super couthy.
[Texting my 17 year old]
Me: how do I use tiktok?
Her: you don’t
If Yoga is hot and out of breath, what does Yoga do?
Yoga pants.
did you know the official veterinary term for your cat eating something it shouldn’t is “dietary indiscretion” which absolutely sounds like a cat politician trying to downplay its irresponsible past
I am really shocked that there is not a website devoted solely to the most clever Wi-Fi names of all-time.
I asked for the phonebook, my girlfriend called me an antique and gave me her phone.
I don’t care, the spider’s dead.
Patron: I’ll have the french toast
Waiter, donning a beret and raising a glass: oui oui, mon amie
Travel anxiety is like regular anxiety but with even more baggage