AM I BEING GASLIT????
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Never once in my life have I found a pen when I need it, so please explain to me why my toddler always has a pen in her hands.
Wonder Woman is in theaters June 2nd. But if you want a sneak preview, watch Sally Yates’ performance in front of the Senate.
Hangman is a lovely childhood game where you slowly draw a man killing himself if another kid can’t read your mind.
Friend: Let’s go to the game next week
Me: Let me check my calendar
Also me: (yelling into the next room) Honey!
[paddling along the amazon silently in a kayak]
wife: “it’s so beautiful”
me: “can you believe they named this after a website?”
Used the words “manic pixie dream boy” in therapy years ago and my therapist had no idea what it referred to and to this day continuously uses a different string of words for it “dream elf pretty boy” “party boy dream something”
my kid learned what money was today at 9 am and by noon he was ready to stab me over 27 cents
I hate it when I’m naked and all lathered up with soap and then run out of quarters at the car wash.
“I’m almost at the end of my childhood and pretty soon I’ll be a teenager”, my 6yo, trying to ruin my day, apparently
Not to jinx this, but last time there was a highly anticipated London wedding on TV, the groom said Rachel’s name instead.
If it says “typing” for more then 2 minutes… you’re gonna have a bad time.
My kids just introduced themselves as “Let’s Go” and “We’re Late”
What happens when you build a house on top of an old cemetery for accordion players?
You have a polkageist.
Hide liquor from the teenagers in the laundry room. You’re welcome
I took my sandwich out of the bag and I saw THIS! I went back and spoke with the manager an demanded an explanation. He looked confused, so I pointed at the writing and asked why someone felt the need to write it. He answered, “because you ordered a BLT with cheese?”🙈
“Check, please!” – Me, at a restaurant begging the waiter to make sure there are no monsters under the table
If you haven’t left a store carrying your screaming kid surfboard style you’re not really parenting.
Imagine how stupid you’d feel if you pitched “Yabba dabba doo” at that early Flintstones meeting and it didn’t hit
Joel Osteen wouldn’t open his megachurch to flood victims. Let’s not jump to conclusions. Maybe he has two of every kind of animal in there.
“Knock knock”
“Whose there?”
“The spelling police”
“Oh know!”
You know the best side effect of losing weight? Supersonic hearing. I can hear the crinkle of a candy wrapper or bag of chips through walls.
*tries to get in your pantries*
There is no typo here.
Trying to eat the recommended eight cups of chicken burrito bowl a day. I’ve already noticed my sleep is better, less aches and pains etc.
[my dad is in the backyard motionless gazing off into the distance]
wife: what’s he doing
me: oh, there’s a long standing tradition in my family
her: what is it
me: i… just… told you?
Some say I’ve “gone off the rails,” or “left the reservation,” or “screwed the pooch,” or “mixed my metaphors,” or “launched the hot dog”
bat life
me: that guy is half drunk
Dracula: I was full. I couldn’t finish drinking him
cop: we have reports of you impersonating a police officer
me: were they favorable
I get it roosters, I scream when I wake up in the morning too
chicken: [stamps out cigarette] have you even once considered that THIS is the other side of the road?