AM I BEING GASLIT????
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Rasputin never died that day, as an immortal being. He hid for decades, before dropping the “Ras” and slipping back into Russian politics.
comic about CROWDSURFIN #hiveworks
This is my favorite Twitter interaction ever.
Look officer, he’s missing but I don’t remember what he was wearing. I’d need a mirror to tell you what I’m wearing.
I asked 100 women which shampoo they preferred?
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The top ans was
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GET the hell outta of my bathroom!
SHAKESPEARE: Shall I compare thee to a summer’s day?
HIM: Sure.
SHAKESPEARE: Oh, wow, didn’t… didn’t think you’d say yes. I actually don’t have anything prepared.
HIM:
SHAKESPEARE:
HIM:
SHAKESPEARE: ur both hot.
Still disappointed that a goblet is just a cup and not a miniature goblin.
Asking me which one of my tweets is my favorite is like asking an Indian dad which one of his children is his favorite. I don’t think any of them are good enough.
I’d be a terrible surgeon because my hands shake, and also because I didn’t go to medical school of any kind.
‘THE POWER OF CHRIST COMPELS YOU!’
~me, parenting teens
If you speak like Fat Albert throughout the entire exam, doctors will prescribe whatever you want.
I am fairly well educated, but not ‘knows every nuance of the English language’ educated.
I also have no idea what ‘nuance’ means.
The Bachelorette… but for cats.
I cannot afford to get my wife a new Lexus for Christmas so I’ll be tying a red ribbon on a pair of Sketchers and setting them in the driveway.
Mob boss: Feed him to the fishes
[Neil deGrasse Tyson bursts in out of breath]
Neil: Actually these fish feed off Copepod and plankton
Mob boss: Him too
Why do we call them “restrictions,” anyway? Do you look at a life-jacket and think “there’s my drowning restriction”?
We argue about where to go for dinner for so long it eventually becomes an argument on where to go for breakfast
This Amber Alert has gone off 4 times today.
I bet the people with hidden prison phones are shitting themselves right about now. 😬
This crime scene tape strung between two lampposts is NOT the finish line & these policemen are NOT cheering me on to a glorious victory 🙁
I wish I had the self-confidence of people on Twitter who threaten to unfollow others unless their demands are met.
A REAL CONVERSATION I HEARD BETWEEN TWO GROWN MEN AT TIRES PLUS:
Man #1: *getting ready to pay* Is it a swipey swipe
Man #2: No it’s a chippy chip
If I stalked you any harder, you’d be a missing person.
Me: I have Schrödinger like reflexes
“Don’t you mean cat-like reflexes?”
Me: Yes and No.
me: hey there delilah what’s it like in new york city
delilah: real estate prices have skyrocketed making it impossible for people to find housing and forcing them to commute from further away, adding stress and expense to their already overburdened lives
me: ..you’re so pretty
This lunch pairs well with watching 9 minutes of a tv show
this got me crying😭😭
me: my new book is fantastic
friend: can i borrow it when you’re done?
me: you can’t color it in twice
My anxiety started in 1984 the first time I heard the music speed up in Pac-Man when shit got real and I haven’t relaxed since.
i feel sorry for people who say things like less is more because they’ve obviously never had sex or french fries