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*peeing*
I should get outta bed now, I guess.
the olympics are held once every 4 years.. hell even im not held that often!!!!!
It’s embarrassing when my wife pats me down for concealed chicken nuggets in front of our friends.
*email from Amazon*
Your package has arrived! To see a picture of the delivery, click HERE
Your front door was faded. For suggested paint colors, click HERE
Your dog was loud. To browse calming treats, click HERE
We saw you changing clothes. To shop for curtains, click HERE
bat life
Kid: “Mom, there’s a dead possum in the yard.”
Me: “Let’s take a look.” [pokes possum with stick]
Possum: [pops up]
Me: Aaaaaahhhhh! [faints]
Possum: [starts poking me with a stick]
[accidentally hits Siri in high school classroom]
Siri: what can I do for you, #1 God of Sex?
[every boy in the class checks their phone]
My Mom: I like that actor Tom Hiddleston. What was he in?
Me: Taylor Swift for a while.
If the wife and I ever separate, she’ll definitely miss having a finger jammed in her mouth whenever she yawns
Do not ask me to cheer you up. I will take you to a bar and ruin both our lives
I wish I had the confidence of the people strategizing their lottery numbers for five minutes in front of me in line at the gas station.
“How did your grammar competition go?”
I losed
I predict that Obama’s next move is to threaten to hold his breath until Russia leaves the Crimea.
You know something I’ve discovered?
This Twitter. It’s not about a high follower count, or a supposed ‘cool ratio’ or viral tweets.
It’s about the people you connect with.
Once you realise this, you’ll enjoy your experience here so very much more.
❤️🧡💛💚💙💜❤️🧡💛💚💙💜
[on 1st date]
Him: So why is someone as pretty as you single?
Me: Single? Who’s single? [gets right up in his face] We marry at dawn.
Him: *Head in hands*
Her: What’s happened?
Him: Well- I…I… I found this head
*goes to wedding*
*gives the couple 2 coupons for a free Big Mac as their wedding gift*
*walks away feeling really good about this decision*
[to a mushroom] ok, pretty cute. but let’s see you without the hat
Wife: How many beers did you have while I was gone?
Me: Two.
4-year-old: It was nine.
Teaching her to count was a mistake.
Never underestimate an underachiever. We’re capable of less than you think.
#SuperBowl
Hell hath no fury like an old lady scolding you for going in the wrong direction down a one-way aisle at the grocery store.
My neighbor asked me to plant a carrot in her garden and it was not a euphemism.
I have to go pack now. The movers are here.
Me: Can I stick a finger in it?
Wife: No.
M: C’mon, it’ll be HOT.
W: …
M: Just my pinky?
W: Keep away from the sauce and go set the table.
Me: I published a cookbook of casserole recipes called “Top It With Crushed Potato Chips!”
God: Ahhh ok yeah. That makes sense then. Welcome!
Me: I wish I was the most beautiful person in the world.
Genie: done.
Me: *checking in mirror* But I still look the same?
Genie: yes, but just wait until you see everybody else.
Me: *walking in front of husband at store*
Husband: “Ooo yeahhhh, now that’s what I’m talkin about”
Me: *turns around to see husband admiring a fancy grill*
Went to scout a park for my son’s birthday and found out a thing people hate is a guy by himself taking pictures of a park.
Why let people drive you crazy when you know it’s in walking distance?
I’ve been watching far to many episodes of Extreme Homes. I want one made of containers, w/solar panels,heated floors, recessed lighting, indoor pool w waterfall/swim up bar, and windows to the ocean & garden on my roof. Floating.