Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

me: Baby shark doo doo doo doo doo doo baby shark doo doo doo doo doo baby shark! Mommy shark doo doo-

Other people on life raft: please stop

Imagine the excitement of the first scientist to travel between parallel dimensions. He’ll be beside himself.

Satan [reading Chicken Soup for the Soul]: wtf this isn’t a cookbook

My new coffee table book, “Accidental Screenshots,” is available for pre-order now.

mike tyson is short for michael thankyouson (i’m so sorry)

Sometimes I think how could anyone not want me and then I read my tweets

“Australia is the smallest planet”

– first day of school already paying off

Hey sorry I can’t make it that night. My wife and I have tickets to a Broadway show. Yeah a bunch of guys brought a giant ape over from some island and we’re going to go look at him

This pumpkin spice toilet paper seems unnecessary, but I’ll taste it nonetheless.

One day my GPS is gonna say, “You should know this one by now” and shut off.

You call what I just did walking into a wall. I call it looking for walls I can pass through and marking that one off the list.

losing it at this lady preaching abstinence at LSU and the students just going buck wild

not sure why we don’t use this thing more often

houseplants b like due to personal reasons i will be passing away…

Grandkids are basically puppies for old people.

🖤✌🏽

animation is NOT for kids. animation is for nobody. drawings have no business moving like that

To do list:

1) Kill the fly in my room.

2) Try to snort multivitamins.

3) Practice Hadouken in mirror.

4) Kill the fly’s loved ones.

You ever go to a baseball game and hear a guy yelling, “hotdogs! hotdogs!” over and over again?

That’s me, looking for hotdogs.

me: do you sell ducks?
him: yes, but they’re going quick
me: ok i’ll take one

*later*
duck: quick!
me: i see

Catercrombie & Fish

I, for one, understand ingrown hairs. I too have seen the world and would like to go back to where I came from

Me, responding to an urgent email on Monday morning that I definitely saw on Friday at 4 PM

my 10 year old is a school safety and he instructed the 5 year olds where to stand to wait for the bus and one turned to him and said “you’re not my dad!” and another immediately yelled “burrrrrrn!!”

i don’t think we are even close to prepared for this next generation

I asked a girl, “What is the maximum amount of money you would pay to have sex with me?” She said, “Zero dollars.”

And I said, “Deal.”

“son, I’ve had to throw my golf socks out”
“Why dad? cos you got… A HOLE IN ONE? HAHA”
“No son. I killed a man. They’re covered in blood”

My phone automatically flagged a bunch of my selfies as “low quality images” and I’m not gonna lie, that stings a bit.

When a hot chick puts a pen in her mouth, all kinds of weird shit goes through my mind. Like:

-How’s her penmanship?
-Can she do my taxes?