Am I capable of premeditated murder?
Your honor, I’ve been planning my cheat day for two weeks.
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No offense but why do birds even have feet? Seems greedy.
Maybe hippos wouldn’t attack so many people if we stopped feeding them marbles.
4-year-old: Why do my hands taste funny?
Me: I don’t know. Go wash them.
4: Don’t you want to taste them first?
I’m glad my bed can’t speak because it has seen me in some weird positions
Dentist: No cavities, but looks like you’ve done some excessive grinding at night-
Me: *blushes* Well, my boyfriend is quite sex-
Dentist: Uh, of your teeth.
If stores want to accurately display clothes for people over 40 the mannequins should be laying on a couch after 5PM.
A telemarketer called and said,”can I speak with the man of the house.” I replied, “sure” and gave the phone to the cat.
If I knew I’d have this many brain cells left, I would have partied a little harder in my twenties.
Wife: Did u load the dishw-
Me: [slowly turning into a dog]
Wife: you can’t just animorph your way out of every argu–aww who’s a good boy?!
Bruce Willis reaches for his iPhone but accidentally grabs his iPad and screams because he thinks he’s shrunk
There’s a lot of coyotes in my neighborhood. I’m so afraid that one of these days I’ll end up walking right into a tunnel painted on a brick wall.
Hello Butterball Hotline? My turkey meows when I try to stuff it in the oven. What? Are you sure? Huh. HONEY THAT’S A CAT. TAKE IT OUT.
When reading a friend’s work, always remember, it’s helpful to give brutally honest notes, especially if you have too many friends.
on my driver’s license I look like a hobo
in person, I am groomed and wearing decent clothes
the bartender studies my ID, studies my face, then says to my girlfriend, “good job”
Opened the bathroom cupboard and a bunch of feminine hygiene products fell out on me.
It was a tampede.
Me: *telling my teen a story about a truck driving serial killer*
My teen: That would be a good job for me…being a truck driver.
Me: …
My teen: …
Me: …
My teen: NOT BECAUSE I WANT TO KILL WOMEN
I’m tired of “working hard” and “trying my best.” I want to be a raccoon who just found a whole container of chow mein in a trash can
i wear a mask when i sleep, because who knows who’s going to come into an Arby’s bathroom this close to the highway
My wife says the kids look just like their father…
…and if I ever find out who he is, he’s got some explaining to do
Hey boy are you my washing machine? Because neither of you know how long 15 minutes last.
[sinking in quicksand]
me: oh no
wife: we’ll be fine if we just remain still and wait for help
me: ok
[mambo no. 5 starts to play]
me: OH NO
Toddler tech support: “Did you try throwing it and crying?”
I wrote “except zombies” on my welcome mat so I know I’ll be safe during a zombie apocalypse.
*first day as a dog catcher
“I don’t see why we can’t use a ball.”
seeing a lot of pretty girls tweet about being “created in a lab” which is weird bc i distinctly remember the day we all emerged from the depths of the lake together
JERRY SEINFELD: so what’s the *deal* with airplane food
ME (whispering to my date): it’s actually called “jetfuel”
[first day as a mechanic]
customer: can i get a quote?
me: give me liberty or give me death
customer: i meant for the truck
me: oh sorry…autobots, roll out
This is one of the best videos to ever exist.
WHY IS THAT COTTON CANDY TALKING?!
“Grandma, that’s Niki Minaj.”
#SailorMoon ain’t got nothing on…
