Am I deceitful? Yes. I am not.
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People who write “loosing” when they mean “losing” need to get loost.
Saw a used kettle I liked on eBay. It said “needs filter”, but I thought the picture of it was fine as is.
haha, we all make mistakes. for example, i ate some oysters that i found in the hotel hallway & now i can see my ancestors
[ first day of engineer school ]
teacher: and what don’t we call them
me: choo choos
teacher: [nodding] choo choos
WIFE: Are you dipping your fries in mashed potatoes?
ME: The Amazon is on fire, Helen. The old rules are dead.
Them: What would you do with a million dollars?
Me: Pay off student loans.
Them: And with the rest?
Me: lol “the rest.”
If my 5yos are holding something when I buckle them into their car seats, there’s a 150% chance they’ll hit me in the face with it.
some women wear fake wedding rings in public so they don’t get hit on but I swear by my floor-length victorian widow’s veil
Humans are so stupid! This is why aliens probe us. They think our brains are up our butts.
Was out on the golf course and shot an eagle at Hole 9. Mom doesn’t believe me, but wait till she sees the eagle.
I just walked into the garage barefoot and my husband said “will you please go put on shoes? For heaven’s sake, you sleep in those feet!” And I’m so confused.
starting to think my starbucks boyfriend is asking other girls their name too.
If every nitrogen atom turned into a horse we would all die
“zombies aren’t real zombies aren’t real zombies aren’t real zombies aren’t real”
– me, walking my dog at night
Millennials hate visitors but love having the most advanced doorbell money can buy.
Dear people who think every tweet is a “subtweet” about you,
IT’S NOT.
except for that one from earlier
maybe?
Regards,
Ry
Since I’m wearing a white top, I’m going to go ahead and eat this meatball hoagie while I drive.
Pulled a power move on the neighborhood dads by shoveling my driveway before it stopped snowing
Horse girls and cat ladies get all the attention but what about crow women
Fridges have magnetic doors because kids used to get stuck in them. We now literally have to tell adults not to eat tide pods.
Word of advice.
If you forget to put on deodorant, sneaking into the walk-in freezer at work and holding your shirt up doesn’t solve the problem.
Also that creepy coworker will get even more creepier if you forget to close the door behind you.
I’ll date any guy that can digest a seagull faster than me.
“HEY ATHLETES WITHOUT MONEY FOR TRAINING FACILITIES OR PROPER UNIFORMS, Y U NO WIN GOLD MEDALS?” – Indians
I’ve been chasing a fly around my apartment for like 20 mins with a rolled up magazine. There’s a really good article I think he should see
“Okay Nancy, try it now.”
Rich people are telling us their lack of bathing habits to try & discourage us from eating them
Cop: Know how fast you were going?
Me: obviously, I have a speedometer
Cop: I know that
Me: then why did you ask?
Cop: [looking down moving toe around in the dirt] I just wanted to talk
DOG: *prancing and enthusiastically wagging*
WIFE: the dog got the mail again
ME: damn, why does she only chew up the ones addressed to me?
WIFE: because she knows you hate bills
ME: …
DOG: *still wagging*
ME: WHO’S A GOOD GIRL?!