am i feeling hopeful about the future?
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{my first day as a football announcer}
wow those guys really want that coconut there must be a genie inside.
John: Yesterday…
Paul: All my troubles seemed so far away
George: But now it looks…
Ringo: Waterslides hurt if they aren’t wet enough
Wore a push up bra to work today and now I can’t see my keyboard.
*cheats at bowling by rolling into the pins*
Just injected myself with bleach and as far as I can tell nothing is hapxczfdszg vhrwxx
$&8766bfdgjkklk vbczzsawq
I knew joining a gym was a bad idea when I got there and needed help pulling the door open.
[in a meeting]
ok a Dracula movie except he’s new in town and biting is illegal but he befriends the pastors daught-
“that’s just Footloose”
Have you ever felt like something was touching your face at night? Don’t you worry. It’s just a MOTH, DRINKING YOUR TEARS WHILE YOU SLEEP.
When you finally manage to get the piece of popcorn out of your teeth
I think we should have a suggestion box at work but there’s no way for me to bring it up.
Pretty sure the best place to hide a dead body is in a tab you opened in a new window to read later.
[NASA press conf]
“good news: we found a cat on Mars”
REPORTER: & the bad news?
“[recalls Curiosity rover running it over] uh it’s sleeping”
Establish dominance over old people by yelling BINGO when you don’t really have it
Failure isn’t an option? Just watch me.
(t.v.)“If you come face to face with a bear in the wild, you want to make yourself look as big as possible…”
me(eating a 1/2 gallon of ice cream): ok
I post ONE gym selfie and everyone’s like “What’s he doing?” and “Where are the weights?” and “Is that a dozen donuts?”
Every toddler is a budding artist when you give them a peanut butter & jelly sandwich.
[Mugshot photographer]
Me: now lets do a silly one
LASSIE: Arf!
What’s that girl? Timmy’s in the old well?
L: Arf arf
He’s dead? You sure?
L: Arf!
Okay here’s a check for $5K
L: ima need cash
Don’t worry there’s only 60 more days of January
me, lightly touching miette with the side of my foot: miette move out of the way please so I don’t trip on you
miette, her eyes enormous: you KICK miette? you kick her body like the football? oh! oh! jail for mother! jail for mother for One Thousand Years!!!!
Doing couples therapy by myself to try and get double the help
Won “Typo of the Moth” again at work.
Be carefully which minty aromatic
plants you accidentally step on.Thyme wounds all heels.
My parents bought my kid Guess Who with a timer because it’s important that she learns stress at 4 years old
They say all good things must come to an end…
After 7 wonderful years of marriage…
I walked in on my wife…
Watching Twilight..
Stages of beard length:
1.) sexy stubble
2.) sea captain
3.) prisoner of war
4.) homeless person
5.) wizard
British websites use biscuits.
My kid actually changed her sheets today but only because the old ones desperately crawled to the laundry room on their own.