Am I financially wealthy? No.
But am I rich when it comes to relationships, happiness, and experiences? Still no.
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Can I be wracked with something other than guilt. Like. Can I be wracked with spaghetti.
My youngest found an “I’m a big sister” t-shirt, wore it to camp, and now it’ll take 9 months till the neighborhood believes I’m not pregnant
How you conduct yourself when using plastic wrap is the real you
Me: *runs up* if anyone asks, we’re friends. just be cool.
Dog: *wags tail*
Me: oh you’re good.
Friend: Where do you get your sense of humor?
Me: My dad. But don’t say that to him.
F: Why not?
Me: He gets really mad.
My wife let me remove all her clothes last night.
From the dryer.
If you scream at the library, everyone gives you funny looks.
If you scream on an airplane, everyone joins in.
Her: Look, I made a huge mistake hooking up with you, OK? I love my boyfriend.
Me: Yea, I could really sense that when you were taking my belt off with your teeth…
[Throwing a ball for my dog]
Dog: I’m not wearing the gown though
Marriage: an institution where having to slightly adjust your mirrors every time you get in your car puts you in a homicidal rage.
Imagine dating, falling in love, getting married, having kids, and only then realizing that the person you chose is literally incapable of whispering
[furniture store]
Wife: We’re putting in a bar.
Salesman: OK
Wife: And…
S: Yes?
W: Go ahead, say it.
Me: WE’RE GONNA NEED A STOOL SAMPLE.
“There can only be one!” -Arab eyebrows
*gets waitress’s phone number*
*texts her before meal is over*
“Napkins????”
PEOPLE WITH CHRONICALLY MOIST HANDS:
When you have dry lips, rub them on your palms.
I call it Lip palm.
It’s free.
WD-40 doesn’t stop my joints from creaking, in case anyone else was considering this.
waiting for halloween be like:
I’d like to announce that in 2020 I’ll be running for John Mayer.
Just gonna catch up and tackle him.
When you see a picture of my kids and it’s captioned “The reason I wake up every day” it’s not me being sweet. It’s the truth, I literally cannot sleep-in with these little heathens in the house.
Sorry I said your cat was ugly.
Oh, and sorry for thinking your baby was a cat.
Of course you should follow me. I’m funny. Ask anyone. Well, except my mother-in-law. Don’t ask her.
What if the Trump assassin’s real goal all along was to break up Tenacious D
[I open my lunchbox at work to find an apple]
‘But that means…’
[Cut to Isaac Newton in 1666, jumping up from under a tree while wiping cold spaghetti out of his eyes]
Movies Lesson #5: very few people die while trying to get from one hotel room to another using the ledge outside, so give it a shot.
Me: *being hauled on a stretcher into an ambulance* Shotgun!
EMT: dude your gonna die if you si-
Driver: dammit Dave, he called shotgun
orange cat behavior
Of course I get paid to be a mom. I do all the laundry and sometimes I find a dollar in a pocket and that’s mine now
“Your former crush likes this thing”
“Your former crush likes this thing”
“Your former crush likes this thing”
I was going to give up coffee for Lent, but then I remembered I’m not Catholic.
I just said, “Have a good nice!” to a drive-thru attendant, so real quick everybody start saying that so I don’t feel stupid, thanks