Am I financially wealthy? No.
But am I rich when it comes to relationships, happiness, and experiences? Still no.
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me as a kidnapper sending my second ransom letter when I haven’t gotten a response yet to my first one: hi all! just following up
Thankful that my family understands I occasionally need to leave the table because my social battery is running low and also because I have explosive diarrhea
We should double tap 2020 to make sure it’s really dead
*stops drinking liquids at 5pm*
BLADDER AT 3AM: still not good enough
CAPTAIN AMERICA: Avengers, assemble!
*points to a bunch of IKEA shit he just bought for the headquarters*
you know being royal isn’t a real job cuz 4 people can just stop working and nothing happens. if 4 people stopped working at the mcdonald’s drive thru that shit would go up in flames
[a 2nd grade classroom 5 yrs from now]
TEACHER: Khaleesi M, please leave Khaleesi S alone. Khaleesi T, I still need your permission slip
Kid just asked “why is it called ‘flipping the bird’? Why not turtle? Flipping the Turtle.” I can’t even answer that bc WHY NOT TURTLE?!
Mantra at the gym:
When the zombies come, cardio will matter.
interviewer: can you type fast?
me: yes, that and SEVERAL other words
I’m not saying over a year in quarantine has messed with me but a tiny lizard got into my apartment and I was like, “oh good, you made it.”
What is this special type of waffle called a “Tennis racket” and why does it taste like metal wires?
I painted a hot chick with big jugs
If I was a mammoth or a ground sloth I would not have gotten stuck in a tar pit it all. when I see a fossil of some creature that got trapped in one I think wow here’s an example of some dead idiot
Person: “Why are you in a wheelchair?”
Me [from my wheelchair]: “My jet pack is in the shop.”
Every man wants a smart woman until he wants to win an argument.
If men had periods our commercials would be awesome…
Life hack
Autocorrect got me in trouble again when I invited the neighbors over for a friendly game of Go Fist.
When a movie has an exorcist, some demons are in for a bad time, but not at first.
“Regardless of what Newton said, gravity is really just a theory that you humans choose to accept as fact. If you simply refuse to take it as a given, then the whole paradigm shifts. Anyway Brenda, if you’ve got a minute, the litter in my box could really use a change.”
SANTA: *sees presents under Christmas tree already* what the? someone beat me to it
[a light glows in the corner]
ALEXA: what’s the matter, old sprite, not in your… prime?
I text him the eggplant emoji along with “I would like this tonight” (because I’m planning dinner) and I have never seen a man so excited for vegetables.
Whoa there, pregnancy test. You just tell us yes or no and we’ll decide if it’s positive or negative.
*steps out of the time machine* Me: what year is this?
Wife: Stop playing with the washing machine.
You wish you had this many chins.
Whenever an actor writes something out in a movie, i always wonder IS THAT THEIR REAL HANDWRITING OR ARE THEY ACTING THEIR LITTLE FINGERS OFF?
I think airplanes would be way cooler if the wings flapped like a bird
WIFE: You’re very quiet. What are you thinking?
ME: If I had a time machine, I’d go back and tell the Vikings that ‘MmmBop’ was a war cry.
HER: Sometimes it’s ok to say ‘nothing’
Me: No serial killer will ever lure me into their murder van. I’ m too smart for that.
Murderer:
