Am I flattered when a man hits on me? Yes, but I also saw that same man whispering sweet nothings to a piece of pecan pie the other day, so not too flattered.
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Ok why even have a pool if you can’t do ANYTHING in it
H: “What do you want for Valentine’s Day?”
“A puppy.”
“Pick something else.”
“A different puppy.”
me: I’m stuck in a time loop
friend: *sighing* is your watch on too tight
me: my watch is on too tight 🙂
I never made it as a firefighter. I thought arsonists were people who hated arson, so every time we met one I thanked him for his support
Cab driver earlier asked if I minded listening to some traditional French music. It was lovely until his accordion got wrapped around the steering wheel and we went through a fence.
That second remote is only useful for that one button on it which you push to switch from the first remote to the third remote.
Been considering dipping my toe back in the dating pool lately so naturally I’m binge-watching serial killer stuff to bring me back to my senses.
I dont get laid nearly enough for someone who can name five different types of pokemon.
Cop: *into walkie talkie* we have a wreck on highway 15
Me: look I know I’m a wreck
Cop: you’ve been wearing those sweatpants for 4 days
me:
cop: also you hit 26 cars
A pile of inside out bathing suits can be found by the rotisserie chickens because I couldn’t find a dressing room at Costco.
Stalker status update: Good news-I’m not in your house.
The bad news-I am UNDER your house and the tunnel is complete.
Well well well. If it isn’t my old nemesis, 2:34AM.
And I see you brought your little sidekick, Parade of Humiliating Moments.
Your daughter seems to have nice boyfriends. They all seem to be involved in community service.
*3am
Me: *thinking* That bird sounds pretty damn happy for the middle of the night.
Bird: *chirping* Dear God why can’t I sleep?!!!
Warner Bros named him Bugs Bunny because he was absolutely riddled with lice
If I could turn water into wine I’d have twelve disciples and a multitude of followers too
St. Peter: Why should I let you into heaven?
Me: Once a coworker said “supposably” 7 times in a meeting & I just let her
StP: Get in here
“Pretend to be someone you’re not and receive candy.” Quick: Halloween or Valentine’s Day?
In 1752, Benjamin Franklin invented electricity because it was no longer considered humane to execute people using an acoustic chair.
Me: *Walks into therapy with an iced coffee*
Therapist: You’re late again
Me: oH No HoW dOeS tHaT mAkE yOu FeEl, DeBoRaH
My son is sick. His symptoms include; fever, headache, and no desire to play XBox. In other words…it’s very serious.
What does a corpse and snow have in common? They are both cold and are hilarious to throw at unsuspecting children.
Please keep my baby in your thoughts. I wouldn’t let her pull the carbon monoxide detector off the wall and no greater tragedy has ever befallen a child in time past.
beware of dog
My hot flashes are so bad, I’m not allowed to go anywhere near Greenland.
He’s the one. I know it. Don’t you agree?
Jar of pickled onions: I think you’ve had enough to drink
STICK BUG WIFE: We can’t seem to get pregnant
DOC: Well, we ran numerous tests…
STICK BUG WIFE: …and?
DOC: Your husband’s an actual stick
COP: Do you know that you have an outstanding warrant?
ME: Well I didn’t know it was outstanding…..but I figured it was better than average
Scientists named an aurora STEVE and y’all just let it happen.
My wife has the flu and asked for help around the house so I bought her a Roomba