Am I flattered when a man hits on me? Yes, but I also saw that same man whispering sweet nothings to a piece of pecan pie the other day, so not too flattered.
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There are two sides to every story and I’m usually wrong in both.
“GUYS! WAKE UP! SOME DUDE JUST ATE CARL!”
Me: WHAT DO WE WANT?!
Funeral attendees:
Me (whispering): Grandma back.
My kids accidentally knocked down Elfie and what followed was a total freak out about how he’ll lose his powers.
But I eventually calmed down.
I missed going to the gym today.
So that’s 20 years in a row now.
Toddler boy: worry about them eating enough.
Teen boy: worry about them leaving you something to eat.
UBER DRIVER: it gets dark so early now
ME: please open your eyes
Check out some of these wacky signs you guys sent in! 👎⚠️ #FallonTonight
What if they close the grocery stores and we actually have to hunt for our food?
I don’t even know where little Debbie lives.
Date: omg it’s so dark do you have a flashlight
Me: I don’t need one cause I have all the light I need right here-
Date: aww
Me: oh my feet *i stomp and my light up sketchers start flashing*
today a banana gave me heartburn and all i’m saying is m&ms don’t do that shit
I undo his overall strap & slide it off a barely perceptible shoulder. I pull his steel work goggle down around his “neck”
“BanaNA” he moans
Just saw New England clam chowder, a soup that I thoroughly enjoy, described as “hot fish yogurt” and now I’m upset
I’m in that magical stage of parenting where I don’t need to change diapers or carry baby gear but I also don’t have to deal with teenage problems yet and my kids still think I’m smart and funny…how do I stay here???
5yo and her friend just ended an argument by deciding they would “have a piece of cheese and calm down”
So, yeah, she’s mine.
You don’t know true paranoia until you Google “How to tell if you’re being spied on” and a photo of your living room comes up.
The most romantic restaurant in the world is not as dimly lit as the operating room on a TV medical drama.
I don’t know why these at-home workouts aren’t working yet, I watch like 6 of these videos a day
Is it too early to start drinking? – some moron with a clock.
INCORRECT PUNCTUATION STARTS FIGHTS:
Happy April Fools!!!
VS.
Happy April, Fools!!!
Son: Dont be a square. Everything is groovy.
Me: What are you doing?
Son: Like totally speaking your language, fer sure!
Me:
Son: Hello fellow olds!
Wife: how’s potty training been today?
Me: he peed twice!
Wife: that’s great!
Me: *covered in piss* no, it’s not.
When the moon hits your eye like 3.14 Pi
That’s the ratio of its circumference to its diameter
Date: so where do you see yourself in ten years?
Me: (remembering women like commitment) living happily with a wife (remembering women like mystery) whose murder remains unsolved
When you wave your hand under automatic soap dispenser for 45 seconds and nothing, then it dispenses the minute you switch to the next one.
Me: Gluten Morgen!
Wife: You made waffles, didn’t you?
Me: *in my breakfast lederhosen* Ja!
I will never refer to ‘drunk me’ or ‘sober me’ because that implies the second one exists.
Hey kids, remember the feeling you got when you cleaned your room without being asked and no one noticed? That’s what adulthood’s like.
No one takes their job more seriously than the guy that glues down the start of the toilet paper roll.
A shout out to all those who remember the keys of the house only after shutting the door.