Am I flattered when a man hits on me? Yes, but I also saw that same man whispering sweet nothings to a piece of pecan pie the other day, so not too flattered.
You Might Also Like
I wear the same 2 Halloween costumes every year. I start off as a “ghost” and end up as a “drunk ghost that needs a ride home.”
Sat behind two cars at a four-way stop for 5 minutes before I realized I had accidentally joined a goddamn school pick up line.
I have to go stand in line at Gamestop now because I had a careless night of unprotected sex 13 years ago and Halo 5 is out today.
You’re a cunt. Maybe that’s why you’re alone.
When in doubt, ask yourself WWBD: What Would Beyoncé Do? Would she apply for a job? Nope. She’d just show up one day like “I work here now.”
Stay at an airbnb if you want to clean up someone else’s house better than your own
9: Can I sleep with you?
Me: Why?
9: Had a dream about the Lullaby Lady.
M: Who?
9: An old woman with no skin on her hands.
M: Why do you call her that?
9: Because she stands next to your bed and hums while you sleep.
M: Sure, just let Daddy put the house up for sale real quick.
“Here, throw this away for me.” ~ People who hand out leaflets.
“Oh, you decided to close your bedroom door with me on the outside? Allow me to sing you the song of my people.”
-my cat
Them: you have such a youthful face! What’s your secret?
me: *plucking an auburn hair and burning it in the eternal flame while muttering incantations* oh I just wash it with water
i was going to get married, but
my wife refuses to sign the
divorce papers
Told my 56-year-old coworker that I’m a bit anti-social and he said “yeah I noticed that about you, you don’t necessarily light up a room”
You should not throw stones at glass houses but they never said anything about the home owners.
* wishes on shooting star
” the wish you have wished for has already been taken, please try again”
The hardest part of painting a nude self-portrait is having yourself over for drinks and convincing yourself to take off your clothes.
I’m so jealous of people who live near a coastal area. Wdym you can just go to the beach on a random Tuesday?
[lying voice] oh my god sorry i JUST saw this
SERIAL KILLER: you can run but you can’t hide
ME: [crying] you believe in me more than my track coach ever did
I can’t take my dog to the park as all the ducks keep trying to bite him, but that’s my fault for getting one that’s pure bread.
I just found out that they made an entire movie based on my favorite Will Smith song “Men in Black.”
well, Sam. It’s been a helluva day. A helluva day! Hit me, again.
If you pregnant, dont swallow bubblegum….. it stick to ya baby hair….
[camping]
Him: Did you eat the last s’more?
Me: No.
Him: You’re lying.
Me: How do you know?
Him: Your pants are literally on fire.
If I text you “🤔🥺😏🤦♂️😭😥🤨😔😘😔😏🤦♂️😏🤦♂️😉🤦♂️😘😊🏆🙄🤔🙄😏😔❤️💁🤨” it means my 4 year old stole my phone.
Me: I might get to sleep in tomorrow!
Kid: Hold my sippy cup…
The keys to a successful marriage include separate bank accounts, separate bathrooms, and separate Netflix profiles
me after being off twitter for two days: “haha wow I don’t know what anyone is talking about”
some meme: “don’t you want to?”
Read my skeleton’s diary today. Anyone know what “loathsome flesh blanket” means?
ocean: *waves*
me: *starts to wave back then realize it’s waving at the woman behind me*