Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

My neighbor said he heard me having sex today but it was just me standing in front of my air conditioner.

I need to babyproof my house.

I’m not having a baby, I’m just extremely clumsy

I’m just a girl standing in front of a boy asking him to stop eating all the snacks I bought for school lunches dammit.

MS Office huh? So is there a *Mr* Office?

I hate it when you accidentally pick off a bit of dead skin on your lip and you can’t stop until you’ve peeled your entire face off.

Got the dermatologist recommended detergent and dryer sheets and I’m pretty sure it would’ve been cheaper to just buy a whole new body.

Me: I’m inviting Doug to watch the game

Wife: I thought you were mad at Doug bc he still hasn’t returned our shop vac

Me: I’m over it

[halftime, 2 beers later]

TV: 🎶Like a good neighbor, state farm is there🎶

Me: you know what else a good neighbor does, Doug?

wife: u should’ve paid more attention in school
me: what why
wife: u brought home the wrong kids

Lao Tzu:
A journey of a thousand miles begins with a single step

Lao Tzu [after having kids]:
It now takes a thousand steps before I even start a journey, godDAMMIT

Today, the problem with young people is they’ll never have the joy of running into their seventh-grade math teacher behind an orange plastic curtain rummaging through the adult section at the video store.

School taught me fractions like if you’re on your third fifth of whiskey you haven’t even had a full whiskey yet

what if mayonnaise was like peanut butter and either creamy or crunchy

Husband: Can you turn on the hose for me?
Me: Sure {awkwardly starts removing clothes}

Why would I want a memory pillow? Sleep is where I go to forget.

It’s almost bikini season! Do I need a licence or can I just shoot them as I see them?

I just swallowed a Norton Anti-virus CD. I’m good now.

My favorite thing about Twitter is that you can broadcast your opinion about anything, defend your opinion in an argument, and always run the risk of the person arguing with you being the one who literally created the thing you’re arguing about.

Growing up I was convinced the only reason my parents had kids was so we could change the channel on the tv.

EXORCIST: the previous tenant was murdered. You can see their ghost in the background of this photo

SPOOKY GHOST VOICE: oooomg deleeeete it

In our wedding, I’ll invite his ex and be like “Still believe you can get him back?”

5 made a window cling, and it’s the most corrupt Sun I’ve ever seen.

2020 is like your cat offering to “help” with your jigsaw puzzle.

a fun game to play with a chiropractor is to go completely limp after they pop your neck just to see what they do

My cat had been housebound for two weeks after beating up another cat in that cat’s house. I let her out yesterday just to see if she was ready to be a law abiding citizen. She went straight to go beat up that cat again 🙃 she’s back inside indefinitely

My fingers are still red from the one Hot Cheeto I ate 17 years ago.

[commercial for soup]
Have you ever wanted to eat regular food only with water poured all over it?
NARRATOR: SOUP

It’s getting harder and harder for movie theatres to compete with home viewing options. They need to adapt to stay relevant. One suggestion: if you zone out and miss what’s happening you should be able to yell at the projectionist and get them to rewind the movie for you a bit

* Dentist is singing along to a Maroon 5 song as he’s drilling in my mouth.

Me: (holds up finger to pause)
Can you turn that up?

Dentist: The music?

Me: No. The drill.

Dentist:

The first person to eat a fortune cookie probably ate the paper too, which is unfortunate

If you’re hungry, you can say “I’d kill for a doughnut,” and it’s fine. But any other crime sounds suspicious.

“I’d commit insider trading for a cruller right now.”

“Oh man, I’d totally burn down a warehouse for a bear claw.”

“Give me a jelly filled or I’ll shiv you.”