Am I fun? No. Interesting? No. Dateable? Yes. I’d place me late 20th century.
You Might Also Like
*chasing after a rooster* give me your cool hat
Yall keep making fun of millennials you gonna regret all those karate lessons you bought us
If Justin Beiber and Rebecca Black were both drowning and you could only save one, would you grab a bite to eat or finish mowing the lawn?
When you’re tweeting something ridiculous that’s happened in the American election, please clearly mark whether it’s real or a joke.
nobody:
90’s boybands:
(-(-_(-_-)_-)-)
They are making gluten free communion wafers now. I guess you eat them because they represent the beach-body of Christ.
Me: *taking a family photograph*
Family: Did that guy just steal our picture?
When you think about it, ‘I’ll pray for you’ is essentially saying ‘I’ll talk to myself about your problem’. Good luck!
Give a man a fish and you feed him for a day. Teach a man to fish and he will destroy the ecological balance.
Accidentally taught my dog to play dad instead of play dead and now he won’t stop barking at me when I try to touch the thermostat
Quit college. Become an oven. Get up to like 500 degrees.
My 9yo drew a picture of me throwing away their drawings which, ironically, is going to be the one picture I save.
My mail carrier dressed up as a dog with a postman biting his leg is the best thing I’ve seen today.
ME: [wearing donuts as glasses] did u just call me immature
WIFE: yes
ME: [removes donuts & tries to clean with shirt] your moms immature
how I feel after a shower
versus how I look after a shower
Spilling a full alcoholic drink you’ve already paid for is the grownup version of loosing a balloon.
#AmazingFacts #Tuesday #RubbishJokes
[biologists find beached whale]
its a new species
what can we call it?
[surfer walks by] yo killer whale bro
[biologists look at each other]
[taco bell 2am]
*lethally stoned*
me: “nine cheesy crunchy chupacabras”
[first day as a stand-up comedian]
batman: how’d I do, alfred?
alfred: i felt like your dad.
batman: proud?
alfred: 💀💀
Dear toilet paper companies
I think it’s safe to say you can stop airing tv commercials
Boss: Do you have to be so sarcastic?
Me: Great question Dave.
History Channel, 1995: Here’s some things that happened
History Channel, 2005: Here’s some things that could have happened
History Channel, 2015: Here’s some things that realistically never happen
History Channel, 2025: Here’s some aliens that restore ice road trucks for war
ants can carry up to 5000 times their body weight?? pfft. watch this- *goes to stomp an ant but it grabs me & slams me thru a picnic table*
Just hit a racist with my car. Probably a racist. I feel like he was. Statistically, very likely. Oh so you think there’s no racism problem?
Bee: *vomits* oh man, I don’t feel so good *vomits again*
Beekeeper: *reaches into beehive* sweet
Bee: oh hey Jerry, bad time I don’t feel gre- OH GOOD LORD WTF ARE YOU DOING?
The very first thing I think of doing when I buy a new electrical appliance is immersing it in water so I’m really glad the instructions warn against that.
It sucks when you’re stuck in traffic behind a truck so you have no idea what’s going on down the road. For all you know Godzilla is melting cars a block ahead.
On a poster in my math class “4 out of 3 people have trouble with fractions” The sad thing is my first thought was “Oh good, I’m not alone!”
If the stick figure people started committing more crimes… I could be a legendary sketch artist for the FBI.