Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

The five second rule for food dropped on the floor means something else when you have a dog.

I don’t think my blind date was blind, she read the menu and caught the basketball I threw at her

[restaurant]
*motions for waiter*
Waiter! Bill please!
*Bill comes out & dances embarrassingly to entertain me & the guests*
Thanks Bill!

a 3 y/o asked if i was an adult yesterday, when i said “yes” he goes “why?” and honestly i don’t have a good answer for it. why am i an adult?? i could be anything?!!

Guys…. Women aren’t hard….. And if they are… They aren’t Women.

So much focus on the gold silver and bronze! What about the fourth place finisher? Sorry about that 1/200th of a second. Here’s a cheese sandwich.

The only French I know are words for food items and the chorus of Lady Marmelade. Turns out that’s all you really need.

One time, I gave a man a fish and he was like, thanks I’ll eat today, but what about tomorrow, so I taught him how to go to the grocery store.

carly rae jepsen: call me maybe
dads: ok maybe

“netflix: are you still watching” bro, i have kids, i’ve been trying

What no one in the congregation expected was a reverse rapture that left everyone naked watching their clothes float away.

I fart in church so I can sit in my own pew.

You known you’ve been on twitter too long when autocorrect will not type ducks.

Me: welcome to my she shed

Gynecologist: please don’t call it that

High school teachers: You are to write about the use of the color yellow in The Great Gatsby. If it’s less than 10 pages I will CALL THE COPS.

College profs: Write about an entire religion. I don’t even care which one but if you make me read more than 3 pages I will end my shit.

My daughter’s main food groups are pancakes, watermelon, cheese, and her mother’s patience.

[at Chinese restaurant]
“Hi I’ll have a large goingon”

-What is goingon?

“Nothing much, just hungry for some Chinese food”

Doctor: Take this medicine. It will help with your condition.

Me: Oh, I don’t know. I don’t like the idea of taking medicine daily.

Doctor: It is also helps with weight loss.

Me: So, how many can I take in a day and still live?

You know you where drunk last night when you realise you cooked your pizza for 200 minutes at 18 degrees

Saved my gall bladder in a jar so when they ask me at the DMV if I want to be an organ donor, I can put it on the counter and say, “YES!”

Me: I miss you.

My hairdresser: Did you do something to your hair? Please don’t. For the love of god, everything is hard enough without that. Don’t touch it.

Me: No, I just miss —

My hairdresser: Don’t touch it.

WHY ARE WE ALLOCATING EMERGENCY AID FOR THE ARTS?

Screamed by people who have been watching Netflix, reading books, and playing video games for 18 hours/day.

See?! THIS is why we don’t invite Elsa to the lake house in the summer….

bartender: the usual?

me: you know it

bartender: [throws me thru window]

Can a paleontologist explain to me why dimetrodons were so infatuated w/ yelling at the ocean?

My lack of exercise is really catching up to me. Now it’s passing me. Wow, my lack of exercise is in great shape.

Jesus: Listen guys, why has someone written ‘nail appointment’ in my diary?
Judas: No idea, J. No idea.

The bank robbery would have ended much better for me if I hadn’t stopped on the way out at the ATM to deposit the money.

I lost my virginity once, I know I can do it again.