Am I having a stroke?
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bumping into a hot professor in the hallway and dropping my folder full of printed out pictures of the Green M&M
MAMA GRAPE (to Baby Grape): If you’re going outside, be sure not to wear sunscreen so you get all dry and wrinkly!!
PAPA GRAPE: Ah, you’re raisin them well…
8: I forgot my name
Me: Oh no!
8: no I –
Me: is it amnesia, do you have amnesia?
8: no I just –
Me: this is terrible!
8: I JUST FORGOT TO PUT MY NAME ON THE PAPER
If a company’s hiring sign says, “Come grow with us,” you’re about to do the job of 3-5 people
A garlic dill pickle is not for the unprepared. First, do you carry a toothbrush in your purse?
I hate my job. The work sucks. The people suck. The pay sucks.
*looks up and sees motivational poster on wall*
Well this changes everything
[Dr’s office]
“I have Carrie like reflexes”
Don’t you mean cat-like reflexes?
*Dr hits my knee with reflex hammer and I set him on fire*
No
Having a lovely family holiday in Rome thanks to this free city guide
[waiter brings plate of seaweed wrapped sushi]
ME-what do I do with this?
W-eat it lol
M-all of it?
W-yes
M-alright..[nervously bites plate]
It’s the “roaring 20s” again so I’m going to take inspiration from the Great Gatsby and continue to not have read any books since high school
If you’re trying to kidnap me, just wave a bag of cookies and throw it in a windowless van. I will happily and hungrily follow.
No thanks, NASCAR. If I wanted to spend 8 hrs watching a car drive around in a big circle, I’d go on a road trip with my mom.
I’m tired of 19 year olds thinking they’re special for being hot. You’re 19 You’re supposed to be hot. Call me when you’re 45 and hot.
Having grown up Catholic, anytime someone says “May The Force be with you” I always want to respond “And also with you”
Then it should stop looking so damn comfortable
I’m not saying my wife orders a lot from Amazon but one of their drivers sent us a wedding invitation.
Anne Boleyn: My love, I wait for but one word from you
Henry VIII: New phone who dis
Anne: Your wife
Henry VIII: Lol which one
“An apple a day keeps the doctor away” even works on PhDs if you have a decent fastball
I hope we get the slow walking zombies because that’s definitely more the type of apocalypse I’ve been training for
Ummm 😳
My daughter said she wanted a pet fish so I gave her a can of tuna. The fact she took it, painted it and made an aquarium for it, proves that quarantine life is getting to all of us.
Him: I’m a big Star Wars nerd.
Me: Oh yeah, name one ewok.
the trick to parenting is appearing to present a united front with your partner while subtly implying that the other one is really the villain
Shopping- don’t do it on an empty stomach
Swimming- don’t do it on a full stomach
Blowing raspberries- don’t do it on a stranger’s stomach
Therapist: Tell me something exciting that happened this week
Me: McDonald’s has a new breakfast sandwich
Therapist:
Me: It has two sausage patties and bacon
Therapist:
Me: Also two slices of cheese, I think
Therapist:
Me: Why do you look so sad
[house hunting]
ME: I can see us settling down here
REALTOR: oh you have a family?
ME: *taking realtor’s hand* not yet
I dont pretend to be anything I’m not..
Except for sober I’ve pretended to be sober a few times
We DID NOT walk 500 mile.
And we WOULD NOT walk 500 more.~ The Disclaimers.
Life lesson: do not tile your kitchen floor the same colour as a Cheerio
oppen heimer style lol