Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

If you love someone set them free? Girl, I can’t even get rid of the 257 plastic bags under my sink.

I saw The Exorcist when I was 12 and when Father Karras asked Regan what his mother’s maiden name was and she boots pea soup all over him, a guy in the theater yelled ‘his mother’s name was Green’ and that was the first time I really understood what comic relief meant

I open a fancy cigarette case and offer you a stick of beef jerky.

If you are ever being attacked by a bear, be really mean to it. Just say some really messed up stuff about it. You’ll still die but that bear will be self-conscious from then on

If your dog doesn’t come back when you call them just shout “Oh shit!” and look at the floor like you’ve dropped something

First they came for the people who talk just for the sake of talking, and I said Please, take my coworker.

My dance moves are so white Charlie Sheen tried to snort them.

[how kids view their parents]
Age 3: these people are amazing, they know everything
Age 5: these people are amazing, they know everything
Age 10: these people are amazing, they know everything
Age 18: these drunks are just winging it

ME: *reads war and peace*

SCHRÖDINGER: *nods approvingly*

dog lover: [holding dog] this is my fur baby
me: [holding baby] this is my skin puppy

I’d like to be so rich I forgot what country I left my private jet at after a crazy weekend

I realized I was maybe not the best listener when a friend had to come out to me twice.

Homosexuality was still classified as an illness in Sweden in 1979. Swedes protested by calling in sick to work saying they felt gay.

Omg, autocorrect! For the millionth time, I don’t hate all those birches…

OTHER BOY: why are we all here anyway

ME: I think it’s for the milkshakes

LACTOSE INTOLERANT BOY IN THE YARD: oh no

kidnapper: we have your son

dad: oh my god let me talk to him

kidnapper: very well

dad: listen son money doesn’t grow on trees

Another couple invited my husband and me to do a triathlon and it’s way worse than we thought. Apparently “doing a triathlon together” is code for “doing a triathlon together.”

Me: When I have a rough day, you’re there. When I need to cry, you’re there. Nobody helps me gain 10 pounds the way you do. Cheesecake:

You would think a Steven with a ph would know better than to address me as Alison with two Ls.

There was a cricket on my toilet seat so I just backed out awkwardly. Lock the door next time, bro.

If I had a dime for every time my kids called mom I could buy my own island but my kids would still find me.

Can I ask you a question without you getting mad?

-People who are about to piss you off

The best thing people can do in a bear attack is break down emotional barriers.
Convince the bear she’s loved and has value.
Compliment her commitment to her cubs.
“Raising kids AND hunting? How do u find the time?” is a fantastic ice breaker.

Found a cookie and a missing sock when I took her bra off

I see dead people.

No wait, I take that back.

I see people I want dead.

I like how “not my circus, not my monkeys” softly implies that you DO have a circus—perhaps even complete with monkeys—but this isn’t it

Kid: MOM WHERE ARE YOU
M: upstairs
K: WHERE?
M: upstairs
K: UPSTAIRS?
M: yes
K: UPSTAIRS OF THIS HOUSE?
M: what the? yes
K: ARE YOU UPSTAIRS

The single most HARDEST thing about being an immigrant in the US is knowing that regardless of my sacrifices, my beliefs or the beauty in my soul, I, too, may one day be allergic to gluten

A guy just said he wants to know what I got “in the trunk”

I told him duct tape, a shovel and rapid decomposition powder

Flirting is hard

If my kids knew there was a light in the oven, they’d leave that one on too.