Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Don’t let people tell you that you can’t give up. You totally can. I do it all the time.

My kids drop ice cubes on the floor, I dont pick them up anymore, I just wait about 30 minutes so I can lose it when I step in the water spot.

I was 14, my dad caught me drinking. ‘Dad, that’s the first time’
‘That’s a lie, no one ever gets caught the first time.’
So I robbed a bank

Thank goodness I’m loud and obnoxious all the time, so my family can’t blame it on the alcohol.

Do not steal food from the science building!

My 3yo said “Alexa” repeatedly for 5 minutes and when he finally walked away Alexa asked if I could put her in a dark room with a bottle of wine

I’m at the point in my life where “friend with benefits” just means a person who gives me their Bed Bath & Beyond coupons.

Between hating pork and launching themselves into enemy structures, Al Qaeda were the original Angry Birds.

Me: one man’s trash is another man’s treasure

Garbage truck driver: are you seriously doing an Italian job on a garbage truck?

{hears husband calling out from the shower. Son walks in room.}
Me: Hey Bubby, what did Daddy say?
Son: He says he loves you.
Me: No really, what did he say?
Son: He says he’d love you to get him a towel.
Me: Yeah, now that sounds about right.

⭐️ LATEST SKETCH: The Met Police Investigate.

🎥 FULL SKETCH HERE:

“Ever go to a mall and buy something from the 1st store you stop in? And for the rest of the night you have to carry the bag, watch the bag, remember to pick up the bag after you set it down. It’s kinda like that.”
-me trying to explain to a friend what it’s like to raise a child

A Pun enters a room and kills 10 people…

Pun in, ten dead

Saying please to a toddler is like being polite to a tornado.

Ever look up at a star and wonder if someone else in the world is outside, staring at that same star while waiting for their french bread pizza to cook?

“If you can’t handle me at my diddliest, you don’t deserve me at my doodliest.” -Ned Flanders

Every Sunday is superbowel if you eat enough chili

I need to stop by the Walmart pharmacy to get some antidepressants because of how much I just spent at Walmart.

*buying teacher’s gifts*
7: Mrs. J said she hates candles.
Me: {recalling mountain of homework every night} Pumpkin Spice Candle it is then!

Me: Our neighbor is such a perv

Wife: Is he staring at our bedroom window again?

Me: *sets down binoculars* Yep

idk why the paint store guy had to tell me not to drink it I’m not gonna drink paint my dude I mean maybe I’ll try a little to see what flavor it is ok yeah

Shout out to the little teapot song for making it okay to be short & stout.

One of my students looked at me this morning and said I must have had a rough morning so if your feelings are easily hurt teaching might not be for you

Friend who once recommended a movie where the dog died: Don’t worry, you can trust me

Me *whispers*: never again

Accordion to current studies, 90% of you did not realize that this sentence started with a musical instrument.

“?leef uoy ekam taht did woh dnA”

– reverse psychology

[yelp review]
Chernobyl, 1/5 stars
weird ambiance, barely any night life. squirrels have laser eyes

Husband: my back hurts

Me, cracking my neck and knuckles while speaking in a fake Russian accent: I massage you???

Think you know guilt?

*takes long drag on cigarette*

I’m the wildebeest who killed Mufasa.

*exhales*

I hear Simba’s screams every night.

This donut scented car air freshener is going to pay for itself next time I get pulled over.