Am I high or is this air conditioner unit stargazing with her legs out the window right now
You Might Also Like
These boots were made for walking, and that’s just what they’ll do. One of these day–oh goddamn it. Did you glue these to the floor, Carl?!
“how’d your football team football today?”
those footballers footballed quite well…really good footballin’
My teenager can make and edit a tik tok video and post it successfully, yet the idea of rinsing her cereal bowl after she’s done eating is a complete mystery.
You know what sucks about Karaoke?
Coworkers don’t appreciate the time & effort that I put into my make up or outfit before singing Madonna
“Sorry, that was my bad.”
“Your bad what?”
“No. I’m just sayin’: Sorry. My bad.”
“You’re bad at completing an apologetic sentence?”
“Yeah”
the “i feel like things can’t get any worse” to “oh i see” pipeline
The collective noun for a group of narcissists should be an ‘egosystem’.
Twitter is a lot like kindergarten; there’s yelling, giggling, struggling with basic reading comprehension…and everyone is super excited to show you their toys.
If you bring a child into a store and give that child a whistle, just know everyone in there will be a suspect in your murder.
I strongly condemn the ritual sacrifice of children to Satan.
It is morally wrong and, in my experience, completely ineffective.
My wife: Our daughter played Godzilla with her friend at school today.
Me: Wow! What were you?
Toddler: Godzilla!
Me: And what was your friend?
Toddler: Scared!
“Do you love the shape of hamburgers but hate that delicious taste?” -Veggie Burgers
My daughter just said, “I love you Mommy, you are beautiful like a pizza” and now I’m crying because that’s the nicest thing anyone has ever said to me.
Incredible news from my son’s school as he informs me he knows a 5 year old named Alan.
I bought a Mr. Microphone at a garage sale. Now I’m driving around yelling at bad drivers.
Best 25¢ I’ve ever spent.
Dating: *lights candle to set the mood*
Married: *lights sage to ward off the evil poop smell*
Sorry I can’t make it to your party this weekend, but I’m busy not wanting to come.
And in that moment, the Ninja Turtles realized that in a way, ALL teenagers are mutants.
I’d like to pay my .30 library fine with two credit cards please.
first caveman to see fire: well this is a buncha bullshit that no one needs (stomps it out) and i predict that’s the last i’ll ever see of that
“You CAN even.”
– white girl life coach
Them: Who hurt you?
Me: Pull up a chair this is going to be awhile
The computer keyboard was invented before the mouse. It was a precursor.
every college guy’s fridge
Why do people say “Cannonball” when jumping into a pool, but no one says “I’m jumping into a pool” when firing a cannonball #Interesting
I’m afraid of people who keep smiling all the time. I feel like they still have plenty of space left for more bodies in their basement.
This isn’t chess folks. Pick a nuggie sauce and move along
‘i have been exhausted since i was 30’
~me as a 29-yr old.
If I die, someone please tell my husband that my shoes are worth six times as much as I said I paid for them.
If the virus can keep becoming a new version of itself so can you.