Am I in my mid 30s? Yes.
Will I ever stop ending professional phone calls with “bye-bye”? NO.
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Have you ever read a reply so stupid you had to click on the profile to see if the person looks as stupid?
Before kids: Why would anyone need a 24 pack of paper towels?!
After kids: Oh.
Just the best dancing sandwiches.
How dare this person in traffic delay me by mere seconds on my way to a location that doesn’t require my immediate presence
I’ve got a “bun” (baby) in the “oven” (oven)
I use these ( … ) a lot.
For which, I believe, the technical term is Dotty Dot Dots.
If you drink 8 glasses of water a day and exercise for 30 minutes a day there’s pretty much no time for anything else in the day.
my astrological sign is a french fry
When something says it needs 2 minutes in the microwave but 40 minutes in the oven it does make you think a little bit about wtf is going down in the microwave
Cutting the rings on my 6 pack plastic thing so nobody chokes when i throw it into the turtle enclosure at the aquarium
I was awake around 4-5am because I needed to pee, but then somehow got my breathing mode stuck in manual versus automatic when trying to fall back asleep. What the hell, brain?
What if Canada is just like 100 dudes faking a country like that scene in Home Alone where Kevin fakes the party?
was reading about defunct airlines again and i can’t believe they named it this
Remember when the internet didn’t exist and we kept all this stupidness in our heads?
Good times.
Him: I like a girl who’s a good host
Me: *trying to impress him* I’ve had a tapeworm in my intestine for YEARS
her: let’s make a baby
me: *getting the lego set from under the bed* ok
My cousin is pregnant. The baby will be my first cousin, once removed.
Found a ring on a walk today with my husband. It’s our anniversary so he tells me “glad you found my gift…happy anniversary!!!”
HER: my water broke
ME: [looking at my ice cream scoop on the ground] we all have our issues
Conference calls are fun because no one knows I’m really home with massive diarrhea.
Boss: For the third time, PLEASE put us on mute.
Imagine owning a dragon…now set yourself on fire, because that’s what it would be like to own a dragon.
Idiots
If I had the money to get some work done, I think I’d have them start with the dishes.
Are these grass-fed oranges?
“Just ask him, Harry.”
“I don’t think-“
“Just ask him.”
“Excuse me, sir? I’m trying to find the Holiday Inn Express.”
“I have a coupon for a large 2 topping”
“What toppings?”
“Pepperoni & a small cheese pizza”
“Sir you can’t top a pizza with a smaller pizza”
You can’t fix everything, you’re not a giant asteroid.
Just found a pot of houmous by the side of the road
dad just confused an episode of full house with a memory of our actual family and I had to be like no that wasn’t us you watched that on full house
My current hobbies include buying crap that my kids don’t need and complaining that my kids’ crap is everywhere.
Guys, I need a good recipe that will make my guests never come visit again.