Am I in my mid 30s? Yes.
Will I ever stop ending professional phone calls with “bye-bye”? NO.
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181.
brain: wake up
me: it’s 1:15 am
brain: pick up your phone
me: fine just for a minute
brain: lmao ok
[Deathbed]
Me: Don’t put me in the wrong burial plotSon: Dad stop it, I’m never turning this life support off!
Me: because that would be…a grave mistake lol
Son: So is it this switch here or
The ability of a morning phone call to trigger my anxiety speaks valiums
I hugged my youngest son today and asked him “how’s my favorite son?” and from the next room the oldest son shouted “I heard that!”
Manager: Is there any training you’d like to attend this year?
Me: Could I attend “Advanced Tolerating Simpletons”?
Manager:
Wife to 4yo: How did you get your shirt so dirty?!
4yo: Because lunch.
I will walk by you fifty times to make sure you know I’m ignoring you.
[Me as a gynecologist]
*Knocking on the exam room door*
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i think i understand why rhinos are going extinct
My 7yo informed me that the fake tombstones we put up are both for the same guy and now he wants to know who Rip is.
Youngest cried because Tooth Fairy was in the house while we were sleeping and I can’t argue with her logic regarding intruders.
Toddlers LOVE to help. Then they get older and are actually able to help… Which is when they start to roll their eyes and complain.
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This dudes dogs 😁battle cry
My husband would need to live to be 200 to finish all the things he said he “was GOING to do”
the nice thing about my ADHD is that if my apartment is haunted I will literally never notice it
“silly me, always leaving these cupboards and drawers open and the sink running at full blast,” I say, as a frustrated ghost screams into a pillow in the corner
Sometimes I’m scared I’ll miss my kids when they move out but then I find a bowl of cereal in the bathtub tub and I’m not so scared anymore.
My grandad fought Germans on the beaches of Normandy. This was last summer and it was very embarrassing.
the Oscars should show a clip of an actor in their movie AND THEN another clip of what the actor’s like in real life so we can see just how much they acted
They should put barf bags in all the voting booths this year.
Every time I see people kiss goodbye as they get out of a car, I think how lucky I am that I didn’t get that Uber driver.
[me, from cold stone] launch the missiles
One two three whole cakes devoured, and suddenly nobody believes you’re on a diet
I broke my tool for painting Easter decorations. I’m having an egg shell stencil crisis.
birds: it’s peaceful this morning
birds: maybe too peaceful
birds: let’s all scream at once
cop: [pointing at me] he with you?
him: never seen him before
me: [welling up] what the hell Jerry we literally just robbed a bank together
I get there is a rental crisis and all but…nope.
I hate when I’m pooping alone in the house and I hear a noise.. please don’t kill me while i’m pooping..
I can still remember that one New Year’s Eve when I had too much to drink and peed in my neighbor’s bushes ten minutes ago