Am I joking? Yes. Absolutely.
Do I also mean it? Yes. Absolutely.
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When a Nokia phone warns you about low battery, you have at least 1 month to find where the charger is lying in your house.
Arachnophobia is stupid I mean why are we all terrified of a bug that knits all day?
I made the mistake of clicking on an Instagram ad for a flannel shirt, and now the algorithm thinks I’m a lumberjack.
[son hands me a picture he painted]
Me: what’s that
Son: it’s our house
Me [walks outside with son]: do you see how it absolutely isn’t?
BOSS: I have some tough news
INVISIBLE MAN: Go on
BOSS: HR says we need to hire more “Visible” minorities
INVISIBLE MAN: This is bullshit
If we just refer to ISIS as “Nickelback” maybe nobody will want to join them
Wife: [eats hotdog, spills mustard & relish on her blouse]
Me: HELLO TEMPTRESS
Asking every new person I meet if they’re cake.
I lost my tesau…thesor…word book.
the question “how is work” really pisses me off😭. work is work bro, idk what else you want me to say
I am doomed ! My eight year god daughter borrowed my beard trimmers and removed her long blonde hair whilst I was making custard. Her parents do not pick her up until tomorrow lunch time. She is happy as Larry, actually looks good with a crew cut. I am doomed
They say old habits die hard…
My ex was an old habit, here’s to hoping.
Nothing makes my kid understand the value of money more than me owing them $4.37
I don’t like atheism. I’ve worked too many minimum wage jobs for someone to tell me there’s nothing after this. I once waitresses the smoking section of Applebee’s. Smelled like divorce papers signed with a gun shot. I need heaven!
I wish I could fall as gracefully as a winter coat slinking off the back of a chair.
tfw you’re leaving the party but nobody notices
Mornin
Male writers often compare women to dessert foods. E.g. ‘She had brown chocolate eyes and cherry red lips.’ Whereas, they tend to describe men using savoury foods. E.g. ‘His leg was like a massive baguette.”
Kids are supposed to dress like their future career at my daughter’s school today and my husband told her to wear a nice shirt with pajama pants and say she was a remote worker on a video call.
If it looks like I’m typing for five minutes I’m really just trying to spell diarrhea.
If you’re wondering if toddlers are always listening, even though they’re never listening, 2B’s teacher stopped me today to let me know that instead of “thank you” she’s been saying “thanks, babe” for days.
A dating app for yoga enthusiasts called Get Bent
Having a daughter in middle school makes you realize every song ever written is highly inappropriate.
Some parents sing the Clean Up song, but I just yell “I’m getting garbage bags you better hope you can pick up your toys faster than I can!”
Ah yes keep complaining the guy at 7/11 doesn’t speak English well enough, like you aren’t the moron who needs help in a convenience store
I’m not a regular Mom.
I’m a “YOU BETTER DIE IN YOUR VIDEO GAME BECAUSE DINNER IS READY IN 5 MINUTES!” Mom.
Why do we never do that thing we never did anymore?
MOM: finish your dinner
SON: I can’t eat anymore, I’m full
MOM: hi full, I’m mom
DAD: *drops an entire steak onto his khakis*
Me : One of your friends punched me in the face!
Him : Which one?
Me : I only have one face, Carl.
For some reason I’m an extremely secretive
person. Don’t ask me why