Am I joking? Yes. Absolutely.
Do I also mean it? Yes. Absolutely.
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[babysitting]
*calls Mom of kid* How long does your baby stay in the rain before it’s clean?
I really need a sledgehammer for perfectly harmless reasons.
I’m eating a vegan lunch today. Sure, it’s six sleeves of Smarties and a Diet Coke, but I’m still better than you.
Oh my God. Where are you?
Car keys: LMFAO
Checkmate, Flat Earthers
Got in a bar fight for calling celery ‘nature’s dental floss’
The biggest concern with children playing football is them eventually telling people they played high school football when they’re 45.
My hand just touched toilet water. Now I’m on eBay looking for a second-hand hand.
My daughter just came up to me in a ski mask and said “give me all your money!”
Then she turned around and said “you look broke, I’ll try another house” as she promptly walked away.
4: Mommy, you’re just like a Disney movie. We should play pretend.
Me: Aww! Sure!
4:You can be the Beast.
Me: …
4: Or the fat sea witch!
Her: Wtf? I thought I asked you to vacuum?…look at all this dog hair in the corner???
Me: No…Don’t touch it! (whispers) I hid one of the eggs under there.
It’s just like my grandma used to tell me, never teach a monkey martial arts
I took my hair out of the messy bun and made it a less messy bun and my husband asked if I was going somewhere.
All the king’s horses and men stand over Humpty. Puzzled, they go back to reading the IKEA instructions.
Origami = folding paper
Jiu Jitsu = folding clothes (while people are still in them)#AmazingFacts #RubbishJokes #DadJokes #jiujitsu
Age 17: Avoiding squeaky floor boards to sneak out of my parent’s house
Age 37: Avoiding squeaky floor boards to sneak out of my toddler’s room
2020 is the worst Choose Your Own Adventure book ever
Stop pronouncing it “Caribbean.” Everyone knows it’s “Caribbean.”
Mouse
I bought a toilet seat from Amazon and now they keep sending me emails asking if I’m interested in buying a toilet seat like I’ve got like 20 toilets in the mansion I don’t live in.
“Don’t look at me, you bought the faulty blinds”
I like Tweets that are so good that when I send them to FB my old friends won’t talk to me on the phone for a week.
[bedroom]
Me getting out whipped cream: I’ve been waiting for this
Gf: kinky, I like it
Me already eating pie: what
[infant diary]
Father has disappeared during a game of peek-a-boo. I fear the worst.
A guy I know just posted “I’m relaxing today, don’t bother me” on Facebook, and let me tell you: I was going to bother him but now I’m not
[phonecall w criminal]
FBI Agent: keep him on the line for 2 more minutes
me: ok.. *twirling phone cord* no you hang up. haha no you hang up
Sometimes I’ll run into a friend’s husband and think to myself, “bro you have no idea how hard I’ve worked to help save your marriage.”
I feel like the “how to” book of my life was written in braille…and that shortly after I became an adult, someone clipped off my fingertips with pruning shears.
I don’t do drugs. I take drugs. My brain does the drugs. Follow me? Me either -because drugs