Am I joking? Yes. Absolutely.
Do I also mean it? Yes. Absolutely.
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I can’t shop there because I don’t understand their parking lot.
Doctor: send me a message on the patient portal if you have any questions?
Me: what happens to our energy after we die?
Doctor: no, not like that
Me: do crabs think fish can fly?
Doctor: not like that either
Me: how many popsicles is too many popsicles?
Doctor: please stop
Stop pronouncing it “Caribbean.” Everyone knows it’s “Caribbean.”
i tried to ask a girl out today but i messed up my words and accidentally summoned a demon. anyway, whats a good first date for a demon
I like when the ending credits show pictures from the episode I just watched. What a fun trip down memory lane.
Why does the dentist have to take an X-ray of my teeth. They right there bro
I go out of my way for people. Whenever I see people, I go “Out of my way!”
My son curses like I make love. He has no idea how to do it and someone usually yells at him and tells him to stop before he’s finished.
[laying in bed]
Wife: I’d rather chew on aluminum foil while listening to Nickelback
Me: …a simple, “I have a headache” would’ve been fine
When the cashier at PetSmart asked me for my phone number I said it loud enough for the hot guy behind me in line to hear.
I might have repeated it.
My life is a constant battle of wanting to pet a dog and not wanting to talk to its owner.
Glade bathroom spray- because everyone loves the smell of someone crapping on a rose bush.
Boss ordered me a new office chair and I’m uneasy about this eject button.
They say to avoid things that excite you when it’s time to sleep, but what’s more exciting than getting to sleep?
I started drinking more water and now all my workouts consist of walking back and forth to the bathroom.
Sorry I was late I was frantically applying to other jobs
I’ve not been into the office since March, but I can still smell the boiled eggs my coworker ate at lunch on that last day.
We’ve been working with 5 and 4 on being polite, asking how people are, etc. 4 apparently took that lesson to heart. We went into the mens room at the zoo, but there was someone in the stall. She leaned down, looked under the stall door, and asked “How are you doing in there?”
Twister 2:
Climate change makes tornadoes evolve.
They work together.
We can’t beat them.
We team up instead
The twisters destroy ISIS.
Had a joint with my mate and she said “mad how the brain named itself” and I’ve fully had to come home and go to bed
*weird horror movie sounds*
me: it’s okay, it was just the cat
cat: ah hell nah
me: what?
demon: meow?
Me: I want ice cr-
Girl who studied abroad: the gelato in Italy is soooo much better than ice cream. Trust me, I’ve been to Italy
Studies suggests, 9 out of 10 men prefer a girl
with a big butt. The 10th man prefers the other 9
men.
Day 126 with no sex. I’ve lost hearing in my right eye
🤣😅🤣😅 OUCH!
Wiccan pigs: Basically we’ll need 100 grand to start our deli.
Loan Officer: Proposed name?
WP: Hamwitches
[long pause]
LO: Hell yes.
Australia: geologist beaten up by “angriest octopus” on beach
Feeling pretty tough lately and thinking about joining a gang. Any of you guys need an accountant?
I just accidentally read “Federal” as “Feral” and it made zero difference to the article.