Am I married? I got trapped in my jean jacket once and panicked cause I couldn’t take it off, what do you think?
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Forgot the word “peel” when talking about a fruit and said “I skin the kiwi…” instead.
“You know…”
[takes drag of cigarette]
“That energy bar is full of sugar”
[exhales]
Therapist: What is your greatest fear
Me: That Daniel Day Lewis could be playing the role of any person in my life
Therapist: *starts shifting very uncomfortably*
Doctor: I’m sorry but you’re not healthy enough for sex
Me: Hey man I have not been your patient for 3 years can you please stop calling me
If the Christians published the Kama Sutra it would have been one page long.
Well, son, when a man loves a woman very much he expresses that love by slowly transforming into a human sloth.
Luke, I am your father. Man you should see your face right now. It’s all like waaaaaat no way.
Attorney: identity theft is a serious crime
John Jacob Jingleheimerschmidt: i will explain once more
If Dracula were on Grindr, he would be looking for a guy with a blood sausage.
hey joggers instead of those dumb little shorts you should wear batman costumes so I can feel like my neighborhood is protected
48 hr deodorant only lasts 8 hours. Welcome to my TED Talk.
In bed a woman called me daddy so I called her son
I just gave my cat his lunch and insulin. He is now happily digesting and insulating.
Most googled search terms today
Before the eclipse: How to make my own cereal box viewer?
After: How to tell if my cornea is sunburned?
Teens today stuck inside all day long playing video games.
In my day, we spent all day outside smoking hash oil & cigarettes with friends.
Some girl I don’t even know has been telling people that I’m her boyfriend. I’m flattered but I prefer to be the psychotic one in the relationship.
My anaconda don’t want none unless you got a suitable living environment for him, a terrarium with a heat lamp, some small rodents, etc.
[creation]
GOD: You all have a divine purpose
HORSE: I will plow man’s field
COW: I will give man milk
GUINEA PIG: I will test man’s shampoo
MOCKINGBIRD: Blah blah blah! Harper Lee is an idiot!
HARPER LEE: I just had a great idea for a book.
What if Jesus was so chill because he was the only person alive unburdened by the knowledge that his parents had sex?
Lost in the desert, you scan the horizon with your device. To the east, you see the leaning tower of Pisa. To the west, you see the familiar pillars of Stonehenge. That’s when you realize you should have brought binoculars instead of a Viewmaster.
Now that I’m in charge of Santa’s milk and cookies, it’s payback time for that Barbie townhouse I never got.
[Watching “Alien” with my son]
Son: You can let go of my hand, dad. I’m not scared
Me: *shaking* Just a few more minutes, please.
the McDonalds jingle really makes me salivate. I’m Pavlovin’ it.
You’re not an Asshole. That’s too much credit for you. You’re an Asshalf.
Why are people scared of flying?! The Earth is a giant spaceship with no pilots. That’s way scarier.
I know my computer doesn’t have a virus because I’ve never had an 8-bit skull and crossbones pop up onscreen laughing.
Yesterday I taught my boss to play Angry Birds. Today, she “couldn’t make it in to work.” This is called managing upwards, people.
I prayed and accidentally mixed up God and Lord and said Gord. So embarrassing.