Am I married? I got trapped in my jean jacket once and panicked cause I couldn’t take it off, what do you think?
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*high looking at my cat*
When did I get a fluffy chicken?
*Me presenting a life sized cardboard cutout of Keanu Reeves wearing a beret
Architecture Board: That’s not at all what “Neo-French” means…
Personal trainer: How’s your diet been going?
Me: Absolutely amazing
Personal trainer: May I ask what you’ve been eating?
Me: You may not
Just got revenge on someone who wronged me 6 Years ago. Never be Relaxed ever. I’m coming
Party hack: Let your guests know it’s time to leave by having your child play a musical instrument.
me: I should probably wait to work out, I just ate
gym tour guide: how did you find the breakroom so fast
Removing my pants wasn’t what the server meant when she said to make myself comfortable while she got my drink. I understand that now, officer.
*Lysol kills 99.9% of germs on my counter*
LYSOL: “Hey .1% germs…
( -_-)>⌐■-■
(⌐■_■)
Tell your friends”
Avengers Endgame and the Battle of Winterfell coming out the same weekend is like when your history teacher and your English teacher both assigned papers due the same day except instead of homework it’s emotional labor
heat abroad: gorgeous. breezy. you feel like a glamorous italian princess standing by the coastline staring at the clear sea with the wind in your skirt
heat in the UK: you feel like a dog in a hot car. there’s no wind even with windows open. you now live in a pool of sweat
too old for tik tok, too young for facebook, too weird for linkedin, not weird enough for reddit, too ugly for instagram…where will i go now
She said she liked a man with a mouth on him and I admitted that I too like someone with all their face parts.
As it turns, all of those signs I drive by on roads and highways have words on them.
On a related note, my new contacts came in.
does any one know where i could find some Unsolicited advice? preferably from people with weird personality disorders who dont know anything
[Ferrari dealership]
ME: How much for this red one?
SALESMAN: Oh, that’ll cost you a pretty penny
ME: *holding out penny wearing a small wig and lipstick*
SALESMAN: VA-VA-VA-VOOM!
*plays sleep meditation with affirmations for abundance as I drift off to sleep*
*wakes up and checks bank account*
Me: Well that didn’t work.
Not me, making a fresh batch of no bake cookies because I don’t want the kids to know I ate all of the no bake cookies we made yesterday.
[lawyer whispers to plaintiff]
two can play this game
“Your honor. Upsexy.”
Judge: what’s upsexy?
“that’s harassment. move to change venues”
kid: dad, dad, dad I can do a magic trick, pick a card
*takes card*
kid: ok give it back and *shuffles* is this your card ?
no
is this your card ?
no
*27 cards later* is this your card ?
no…
My wife didn’t tell me I was on speakerphone and now her coworker smelly Kelly knows we call her smelly Kelly.
No one wants to feel like an obligation. Either commit to them or leave.
I just convinced my toddler to play Rock Paper Scissors alone because she was cheating and she just quit against herself because she was cheating
You could murder someone in California and they wouldn’t even arrest you as long as you properly composted the body.
Her: You’ve changed.
Chameleon: Jesus, Karen, not this again.
I spend a lot of time looking at new recipes for someone who regularly burns instant noodles
Your neck. There’s an axe for that.
Sometimes I don’t put my glasses on for the first hour of the day bc I’m not ready to see what’s coming
It’s like grandpa always used to say, “even though granny washed them, I could always tell which underwear I wore on Taco Tuesday.”
My wife has been leaving jewelry catalogs all over the house.
So, Ive taken the hint.
Got her a magazine rack!