Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

talking to animals doesn’t make you crazy, hearing them talk back does

I just bought ibuprofen from Costco so if anyone has any aches or pains, I can help 16,000 of you

Your baby’s cute. Not baby elephant cute, but still cute.

the question “how is work” really pisses me off😭. work is work bro, idk what else you want me to say

me: hi i’m on the list

security: there is no list this is kohl’s

me: *slipping him 20 dollars in kohl’s cash* to the VIP section my good man

Store Clerk: Happy holidays
Me (angrily): Merry…CHRISTMAS
Clerk (even angrier): SEASON’S GREETINGS
[we just start choking each other]

Husband: *Grabs a pillow off the couch* Did we get new pillows?

Me: Uh huh, last year, when we got the new couches

I’m either going to get a tattoo today or do something real crazy like clean my closet.

Dickens: It was the best of times, it was the worst of times
Schrödinger: Nice, nice

my biggest fear is a kiIler saying some funny shit whiIe im playing dead

Me, the boss: The most important part of your job is to not distract me by naming different kinds of delicious sausage.

New Guy: No problem. And do we-?

Me: Thats it! You’re fired!

I doubt God made us in his image, because Snooki.

Murder of crows on trial according to the probable caws statement.

“You’re not so tough now, are you, Batman?”

~ Drunk guy who punched a nun.

Hungry? Have a snack
Tired? Have a snack
Cranky? Have a snack
Planning to take over the world? Have a snack

Snacks are ALWAYS the answer

Twitter handles are like bands from the 90s. I don’t really remember anything they wrote, but when I see their name, I have a vague sense of whether I hate them or not.

I’ve been sleeping w my laundry for like 4 days

We are dating

Old Black men vs. Technology is the most heated rivalry in human history.

my only hobby is seeing how close i can get to squirrels before they run away

Hey babe, are you my 47th open browser tab, because you are not responding

Are you Chinese? Well, how about you?”

– Chinese Checkers

👾👾👾

My onlyfans account is just me trying to trim my toenails and breathe at the same time

Me: No, you cannot have any of daddy’s beer.
Son: Why not?
Me: You know why not.
Son: Because you don’t like to share?
Me: Because I don’t like to share.

Lady, you misunderstood. When I asked if you would have my kids I didn’t mean sex and babies. I meant take the ones I already have.

My husband found me lying on the sofa and told me that the kitchen was a complete mess. I said, “I know. That’s why I’m not in there.”

Robin Thicke can’t even name a second Robin Thicke song

I’ve always wanted to buy 2 coffees, take them to a crime scene & while handing 1 to the officer in charge ask, “So, what do we have here?”

Sure, sex ed is an important class but if you want teens to fully grasp the consequences of sex, have them spend a few min with a toddler. My 3yo just cried for a solid 20 min cuz I wouldn’t “take the hair off” my head. If that doesn’t convince teens to use condoms, nothing will.

When I was a kid $100 was a lot of money. Just like it is now.