Am I perfect? No.
Am I trying to be a better person? Definitely not.
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Judge: how do you plead?
Me: [looks at lawyer]
Lawyer: [mouths “not guilty”]
Me: hot milky
L: *bangs head on desk* FFS just lock him up
Stop bragging about your workout pics. Do you see me post every box of donuts I eat.
The man that loves to eat on a lounger by the pool is a manipooleater
I use a wheelchair. When I’m at a job interview and they ask me what my greatest strength is, I want to say, “I push myself.”
time travel is only valuable to me if it helps me find where I put my keys
If by “interests” you mean vices, then sure, I have several outside interests.
I just discovered that first aid kits do not include slices of pizza in it and I feel so betrayed.
My bathroom scale is wrapped in duct tape, missing half the numbers, and the dial has been stuck at 110 lbs for years, but I refuse to buy a new one because that’s my ideal weight.
[After inventing a memory loss machine] I should invent a memory loss machine
[walking somewhere]
My cat: I’M GOING TO GET THERE FIRST!!
[getting an x-ray]
TECHNICIAN: Quit putting that box of chocolates on your chest.
ME: Just tell me which ones are coconut.
cop: you’re coming with me
me: [being handcuffed] but i don’t even know you
cop: get in the car
me: will you take me to disneyland
cop: what do you think
me: maybe
Hot Fuzz; Sea mine
“Damn you, Autocorrect!!!!” – Mark Zuckerberg, who had intended to announce that he was giving away 99% of his socks
Robin Thicke can’t even name a second Robin Thicke song
Coworker: Cute dress!
Me: Really, thank you, I got up late and forgot I had to wash my hair and then I saw it hanging on the outside of my closet and didn’t have time to grab anything else and it probably looks like a floral potato sack nightmare nightgown
Coworker: [avoids me]
If it hurts you more than it hurts them, you’re probably holding the Taser wrong.
King Midas: *turns something to gold for the first time* Au yeah
A cop just pulled me over — asking if I knew my tail light was out? I said, ‘Uh uh. I drive on the inside of my car’
I can’t get over the fact that the word “gullible” upside-down looks like a cat.
ME: eat your veggies so you grow up big and strong
SON: *looks me up and down* you didn’t eat your veggies, did you
ME: *under breath* damn, son
Pop up from someone’s backseat to show you care.
police cars should play ice cream truck music when they’re pulling you over for something minor
PHILOSOPHY MAJOR: humanity is at risk
STEM MAJOR: because global warming is affecting sea levels
ENGLISH MAJOR: is it affecting or effecting
That awkward moment when you lazily follow someone cos of 1 funny joke, then realize all the rest of their stuff is KKK recruitment material
Me: ’til death do us part
Her: ’til death do us part
Death: *cracks open beer* Imma watch them suffer a while
FUN GAME: Ride a bicycle with an empty baby seat on the back down a busy street whilst loudly saying “You’re being VERY well behaved.”
“You’re attachment is too large,” my computer tells me.
I blush. “My eyes are up here,” I respond coyly.
If you guys don’t do my “Funeral Ideas” Pinterest board justice at my funeral, I will haunt you so hard
*pinning ideas to “Haunting” board*