Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

lmao i’m in boston and you’re telling me they really talk like this??? i thought everyone was just doing a bit to make fun of mark wahlberg

“Do you smoke the devil’s lettuce?”

Mom, why the h*ck would I smoke coleslaw

Remember back in the day when your TV wouldn’t work so you’d bang it a few times? I tried that with my dishwasher and she ended up pregnant.

[restaurant]

waiter: how would you like your steak

me: i don’t know, medium?

medium: *gazes into crystal ball* you will like it a lot

Not to get political, but my vote will go to the candidate who promises to pass a law making it illegal to earnestly call a sandwich a “sando.”

My 7yo, as we drive past the tennis courts near his school: “that’s where all the old grandpas yell at each other.”

This train was so long I had time to file my nails and my taxes.

My husband made me mad so I sent him to a store that closed a year ago to buy something they stopped making two years ago

Sorry, I don’t think I can hang out this weekend, my 4-year-old is still telling a joke

Alanis Morissette sings about having 10,000 spoons when all she needs is a knife. And nobody asks why she has 10,000 spoons?

*gasps*
Ohhh sour Jesus.

Ok so why don’t we just invent a word that DOES rhyme with orange?? Orange has had too much power for too long

[pet store]

me: are the birds expensive?

employee: they’re going cheap

me: I know how they work

Never throw sunglasses in an argument. If they land perfectly on your opponent’s face there is no known comeback.

There’s that girl again. Time to impress her.
*Rolls down the window blasting a science podcast*

Find you a freak in the sheets & a librarian in the library.

Today’s Tarot Card: I warned you not to pet the Hell Hounds.

Welcome to Backhanded Compliment Club, it’s so nice to meet people who don’t care how they look

[new hire intro]
BOSS: this is Jim. You’ve been here how long Jim?
JIM: next year will be 10 years
ME: *rising from my cubicle* so 9 years

Dog 911: what’s ur emer-

Dog: MY HUMAN IS TALKING TO ME

Dog 911: so?

Dog: THEN HE ANSWERS FOR ME IN A WEIRD VOICE

Dog 911: OMG

Dog: OMG

Look what the cat dragged in!

*freaks out remembering I don’t have a cat and house was built on top of a pet cemetery*

AC changed “self-love” to “seldom love.” So my phone and I are now in couples therapy.

I love how my dog hears me in the kitchen and runs in, as if expecting to magically see four hamburgers and a steak just laying on the ground.

How much for the angry lawn gnome?

That’s my toddler.

If one more teenager calls me ‘mam,’ I’m gonna
…probably let them carry my groceries because I’m old and life’s hard.

One day you’re young and fun and the next you’re saying things like, “That’s a pretty building.”

Am not being sponsored to say this but if anyone is looking for a way to make swallowing food easier, try using “Teeth”. I recently began using teeth while eating and it’s reduced the number of Heimlich manoeuvres I receive per month by over 94% 👍

me: I think I’d be a good addition to the debate team

captain: no you wouldn’t

me: ok

BUT BUT BUT BUT BUT BUT
BUT BUT BUT BUT BUT BUT
BUT BUT BUT BUT BUT BUT
BUT BUT BUT BUT BUT BUT

I like big buts.

I can not lie.