Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

My kids think they’re way cooler than me like WHATEVER nerds by your age I’d already had my license, sex, and a visit by the FBI.

I love traveling with my husband because it gives us an opportunity to bicker in new and exotic locations.

Talking vulture: You dead yet? What about now? OK, I’ll wait.

[scrabble]
god: 43 points
angel: squid? wtf is squid?
god: it’s an animal
angel: you can’t just make up animals
god: [jim-faces into camera]

Just saw a guy running down the road with a cape on, so I shouted, “Hey! Are you a superhero!?”

He yelled “no I didn’t pay for my haircut!”

ㅤ

I am a person who wants to do a lot of things trapped in the body of a person who wants to sleep a lot.

My sister’s birthday cake 🤣

My 17-year-old bought us dinner and now he’s making brownies and we’re about to watch a movie together.

I don’t even care what crime he committed to inspire this good behavior, I just hope they don’t catch him anytime soon.

Yes

FUN FACT: next time you ask someone to pass a roll of toilet paper to you under a bathroom stall door gently grasp their hand and challenge them to a thumb war. They legally have to accept.

Wife: what’s wrong?

Me *halfway through eating a horse* I’m not as hungry as I thought

A friend wants us to do something tonight and I asked her to name 5 things so I could say no to 4 of them.

[in the car with the wife]

*I take both hands off the wheel*

Wife: Thank you, that was making it very hard for me to drive

I have a Polish friend who is a roadie for a band.

I have a Czech one too. A Czech one too. Czech one too.

Autocorrect changed “bible” to “bourbon” and that should tell you everything you need to know about me

Give me five hundred good reasons you think I’m too demanding.

[sees kid crying in the mall]
“What’s wrong?”
“I’m lost.”
“You’re in the mall you little idiot.”

I need to go to jail for about 18 months to catch up on all my reading.

The best thing about Twitter’s 140 character limit is that it keeps profanity-prone me from inserting any inadvertantly unnecessary motherfu

I promised my kids a genuine New Year’s party: I’ll be putting on my biggest earrings and nicest sweat pants standing on a chair in the kitchen and dropping a ball on their heads

You’ve seen nothing until you’ve seen a picture of a pigeon having a job interview to become a pigeon:

Last night I did Crossfit for the first time and now I understand why those people always look so angry.

[at library]
ME: Yes, I’d like to Czech out a book on eastern Europe.
LIBRARIAN: 3rd floor
ME: Get it?
L: This is dialog, I’m not reading it

things that baffle modern science
1. Stonehenge
2. The Pyramids
3. How my liver is still functioning…

Wait. We’re now turning plants into burgers? Haven’t cows been doing that like, forever.

[Driving w/date in car]

Date [turns radio to country]

Me [reaches over date, opens passenger door] This isn’t working. [Hits eject button]

FRIEND: i have this great new detox system
it’s all natural and actually works i swear

ME: is it your liver & kidneys?

i bet it’s your liver & kidneys

professor X: what’s your power?

me:

professor X: wow, me too, you’re in.

At what point is a salad no longer a salad based on how much bacon I add?