Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I wanted to go see the Queen reunion concert but I am just a poor boy from a poor family…

Dear ghosts,
If you can move stuff around and flicker lights then you can use a mop

VICTIM: He had a beard & a scar
SKETCH ARTIST: Is this him?
VICTIM: That’s Bart Simpson
SKETCH ARTIST: Yeah I can only draw a couple things

I’m not saying I could stand to diet, I’m just saying I did a few jumping jacks and all the car alarms started going off in the neighborhood.

how dare you call me when dogs 101 is on

Had to try this trend 😊

Me: I’m very observant
Also me: *pulls away from drive thru without order*

Me: We had ice cream in honor of you today
Dad (in heaven): Did you eat a half gallon in one sitting?
Me: No
Dad: Amateur

The greatest trick the devil ever played
was offering a buy one get one free sale one day after you already purchased two at regular price.

the small child points to my head and chants, i want a balloon, i want a balloon, but changes her tune when i let my head float free

Do you think my husband will be mad when he sees how creatively I’ve killed the lawn?

ME: I wish I could fix this problem

SOLUTION TO MY PROBLEM: Hey there-

ME: [avoiding eye contact] If only there was a way…

Marriage license: Contractual agreement to laugh at your spouse’s same three bad jokes for life.

A mom-off where we see who can cut a grape into the smallest pieces

I admire how much mileage The Cut gets out of people writing about when they sleep or are awake

banned from gardening forum for saying “it was me” every time someone posted and said “help, something is eating my tomatoes”

As kids we used to chant “my mother and your mother were hanging up clothes, my mother punched your mother right in the nose” and apparently just accepted that moms were prone to sudden, random violence

I’m on a diet and a nice thing about it is that, when I’m eating less, my mind is so much clearer and I can see that all that really matters is food

judge: *banging gavel* guilty

me: *twirling my hair* of being too handsome?

judge: *giving me a little kiss on the cheek* of murder

Trains are just sideway elevators.

If you innocently act like you don’t know, people will explain dirty words to you and it’s hilarious.

As always, Wile E. Coyote’s plan had unexpected consequences.

Does everyone’s inner monologue have a laugh track?

I love April Fools’ Day. It’s the only day of the year when people are skeptical of things they read on the internet.

Fact: In the U.K., many Air Traffic Controllers don’t work in airports, but in buildings miles away. Whereas in France, most Air Traffic Controllers don’t work at all.

A funny thing I like to do is yell ‘God, not your WHOLE hand’ when the doctor does a pelvic exam.

I was homeschooled so my back to school pics were of me standing in front of the house before I went back inside.

[the Savannah]
Lion: “Why is that lion all on his own? And why is he wearing crocs?”
Leslie Nielsen: “He has no pride. And he has no pride.”

LIFE – 3 out of 5 stars

So in Ohio if they say ‘it’s raining cats and dogs’ does that mean they’re having an all-you-can-eat buffet?