Am I relying on you to cover up all these blood stains after murdering my ex?
BLEACH I MIGHT BE
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*Removes smoke detector battery
**Cooks in silence
Most dead bodies are found by dog walkers or joggers.
Working theory: Dog walkers and joggers are serial killers.
You can’t scare me. You’re not my dog the morning after she ate my jar of Vaseline
Welcome to your 40’s: you’re older than your doctor now.
If you told Alexander Hamilton that the online lottery to see his rap musical was unavailable due to server overload, he’d be like, “WITCH!”
Hey, guy in Prius blasting heavy metal – decide which type of annoying person you want to be.
(child accidentally being born in butcher shop)
Shirtless mother: what should we name him?
Father: um..*looks around room* a..bra…ham
My son just let a girl “borrow” his hoodie.
Should I tell him now or let him learn?
[job interview]
HR: *reading medical history* it says here you’re a former addict?
Me: *snorting lines off the desk* typo
I went to the bathroom at IKEA and needed an Allen wrench to flush the toilet.
I used to think my chiropractor couldn’t fix my back problem but now I stand corrected
A good thing to say to someone who is overindulging at a Chinese restaurant is “hey buddy, it’s called dim sum, not dim all.”
[Guy on street handing out free fake moustaches]
Me: how many am I allowed
Guy: just one
Me: we’ll see
if i can have dinner w anyone dead and alive, i’d pick kate middleton
Two submissives sitting in a tree.
N O T H I N G
Me: I hate working from home.
Also me: I hate working from work.
Hot chick at the bar just said that she’s gonna do something stupid tonight…
…I informed her that I only had a 1.75 GPA in high school.
Who says Republicans aren’t into recycling?
Mitt Romney’s thinking of running for President, again.
Date: do you wanna come up for coffee?
Me: no thanks. I hate stairs
Date: coffee means sex
Me: how many stairs?
[Emergency Room]
MRS. PIÑATA: Will my husband make it, doc?
DOCTOR: We’ll do what we can but *slurping on sucker* he’s lost a lot of candy
Just saw a WiFi name called “Hot Signals In Your Area” and honestly that’s iconic
Did it bother anybody else that the guy from that “Operation” game was clearly wide awake?
HUSBAND: Do we have any cake toppers?
ME: Yes, it’s called frosting.
9YO: What will we be watching for the the family movie night
Me: Hang on, give me a…
7YO *sighs*: … We’ll be watching daddy play 24 trailers and then fall asleep
Hubby got all smug when our son asked him for girl advice so I confirmed that if he wants to bag a girl like me then daddy’s the man for the job and shut that shit down
I’d like to have a child one day. Two days, tops.
[2019 USA]
“Where are you from?”-Trumpsylvania, how about you?
“North Trumpkota”
{hears husband calling out from the shower. Son walks in room.}
Me: Hey Bubby, what did Daddy say?
Son: He says he loves you.
Me: No really, what did he say?
Son: He says he’d love you to get him a towel.
Me: Yeah, now that sounds about right.
Ghost Hunters would be a million times better show if it were about HUNTERS who are GHOSTS.
ME, HOLDING A MIC TO MY DOG’S MOUTH: who’s a good boy
DOG: your mom
ME: please take this seriously