Am I relying on you to cover up all these blood stains after murdering my ex?
BLEACH I MIGHT BE
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One of the few joys in my life is when my kids step on their own Lego.
I’ve been threatened several times, shot at once, and had a gun pulled on me 3 times, and yet I’ve never been intimidated by anyone except this damn toddler
“The powder |
“The pow|
“The power |
“The power of Cheese |
“The power of Ch|
“The power of Christ compels you!”– The AutocorrExorcist
“So how did you get into Classical Music?”
Me:
waiter: is pepsi ok
pepsi: take a look around you, does any of this seem ok
I hope my dog doesn’t turn out weird because she’s being homeschooled.
[Commercial]
*Camera focuses on a man choking on a whole apple*
Narrator: “If only there was a better way?”
[On Screen Caption]
TEETH
*slowly cracks open a beer while the cop explains why he pulled me over*
me: [absolutely shredding] I told you I played a little guitar
him: that’s a mandolin
McDonald’s burgers always look so great in their commercials but when you actually order one it always looks like its been sat on.
No, no, no, you don’t have to engage in a long explanation of why you’re single. We’ve spent five minutes together, I think I’ve got it.
Sorry for levitating at the end of your bed all night, I just think you’re really cute
Pro tip: Get two photos that are ten years apart and label your before photo as your after and your after photo as your before.
MISSING: Black and white cat with red collar. Very intelligent.
Mittens, if you’re reading this, please come home.
Me: It’s such a nice day, I’m going to sit outside, read, listen to music, and have a couple of beers
*Neighbors dog stands at fence and barks for five minutes straight*
Me: You’re right, pooch. I should go to a bar, stimulate the local economy, and hijack the TouchTunes.
Me: I’ll just take a regular bikini wax. Or should I go Brazilian? What do you think?
Nurse: Ma’am, I’m just here to take out your catheter.
Guy In France: yes may I please have an order of Here Fries
Me: Will you please just SHUT UP!
Brain: Well damn, don’t come running to me when you forget how to spell CAT.
If you ban gay marriage you’re only encouraging gangs to profit off it by making their own gay marriages in bathtubs like prohibition.
He said I won his heart and I was all “Ugh can I just win like $20? How about a sweater from Sears? A pencil? I could really use a pencil.”
Since joining twitter I’ve started 2 new collections ………. Dust and cobwebs !
OLD MAN: I fought in WWII
ME: Oh yeah? What was your kill:death ratio
OLD MAN: what
ME: Can you rocket jump?
OLD MAN: I wish Hitler had won
These people act like they’ve never seen a woman eat a whole rotisserie chicken before.
My son just informed me that they have been out of soap in the kids’ bathroom for 2 days, but not to worry because he’s been using conditioner to wash his hands.
photographer: alright guys, now let’s do a silly one
all the video games my bf plays are like “would you like to Search Beehive?” and he’ll say yes and it’ll be like “you have found: A Bee”
Being a wife and mom is kind of like being a lawyer, everyone hates you until they need you
[road trip]
DAUGHTER: I have to use the bathroom.
ME: *pulls into rest stop*
DAUGHTER: Thanks.
ME: Make sure you’re back in 5 minutes.
DAUGHTER: I will.
ME: We accidentally left your brother behind once.
DAUGHTER: I don’t have a brother.
ME: Exactly.
When your printer uses up half your new ink cartridge aligning the print head. Well played printer companies.
*wife grabs my wrist as I go overboard*
Her: You’re… slipping…
Me: Pretend I’m the covers.
*she easily pulls me to safety with one arm*