Am I romantic?
I do the rose petal thing but I use potato salad.
So, I don’t know.
You tell me.
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Men: Masters of multitasking – can watch sports, ignore laundry, and forget your birthday, all at once.
It’s cute that kids think they’re safer with the light on, when actually it makes you more vulnerable and easier to spot.
Dispatcher: “The call is coming from inside the house!”
Me, moments from being murdered: “I have a landline?”
girls will be like “it’s fine” then start drawing a pentagram in blood on their floorboards
I just ate my yogurt with a fork, because I’ve learned that if it looks like you have your shit together, people ask you to do stuff.
My circadian rhythm is a cat lost in a corn maze.
My wife: where are the Cheetos?
Me:
Don’t make me angry. You wouldn’t like me when I’m angry. Yes I remain sweet & quiet but on the inside I’m composing a strongly worded email
that co-worker that never lets you get your shit done.
I moved to quick and my Fitbit asked if it should call an ambulance.
[first day as a 911 operator]
guy: send help oh god the building is collapsing!
me: you’re kinda stressing me out tbh
Whenever I want my son to visit I tell him our dog keeps going in his old bedroom trying to find him.
inmate: hey man why so sad
me: my mom brought me a cake but the warden made me share it with everyone
inmate: didn’t you get a piece though?
me: not the one with the file in it
Parenting books never prepared me for how much time I’d spend arguing for kids to get into and then out of the shower.
Bringing back this classic
Cop: Know how fast you were going?
“55?”
Cop: Faster.
“217.”
Cop: Um, no, 72.
“24?”
Cop: I already told y-
“Negative 6?”
Cop: Get out.
I don’t always have time to exercise. But when I do…I don’t.
Cop: License and registration
Me: Sure. *opens glove compartment; twenty eight packs of expired ketchup, three pairs of sunglasses and the Crown Jewels of Ireland fall out* Sorry. Just a sec
dream jobs:
• soup reviewer
• seer who prophesies your doom
• old lady who solves crimes in a little english village
• old lady who COMMITS crimes in a little english village
no, autocorrect, i am not searching for dishwasher safe Tupperware kids
Why is it called a “prison compound” and not a “guilt complex”?
VIDEO: Multiple raccoons take over the library at Arkansas State »
starting to think my starbucks boyfriend is asking other girls their name too.
the human. who snuggled. my human. the other night. is here again. BUT. this time. however. they brought. my fren and i. treats.. we approve
I said Grace tonight, which was really awkward because her name was Susan.
WIFE: The fire department is at the front door again
ME: *hiding my mixtape* Do they look mad?
Kids these days will never know the exhilarating danger of going 60mph down a burning hot metal slide.
a reese’s peanut butter cup but the inside is toothpaste