Am I smarter than a 5th grader?
…No. Probably not.BUT, am I funnier than a 5th grader?
…Also no.BUT, BUT could I win in an arm wrestling match against a 5th grader?
…I don’t wanna play this game anymore.
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[first day in prison]
Me: (to the biggest guy) You know what? You’re busy. I can come back.
Crested mynas, as many other birds, are born altricially, which means young are underdeveloped at the time of birth, therefore fed by parents. When they grow up, they have to learn that food doesn’t simply jump into their beaks [📽️: Rebecca Gelernter]
cashier: paper or plastic
me: it’s a debit card
cashier: no for your milk
me: oh haha liquid’s fine
If we’re ever drunk together and I say “trust me, this will be fun”, run faster than me or have bail money ready.
Hey Dog Walkers, technically, that dog can walk on its own. What it can’t do is pick up it’s own poop. You’re just a poop collector.
Palin: I’m seriously considering a presidential run.
Reporter: Do you even know what the word seriously means?
Palin: Don’t refudiate me.
You have to be careful with people. You give someone the wrong look and they’ll tell you their whole life story.
Any kid can get their parent’s car keys, watch out the window for someone to walk close to the car then hit the alarm. None of them do it. Kids are slack. We would have killed for this tech in the 70s.
Him: Why do you carry a knife?
Me: A sword is harder to hide.
So, can we agree on 4 or
Please define the logic when someone says you’re too much?
Too much what?
WIFE: Let’s role-play
ME: OK
W: U be a teacher
*I get up & leave*
W: Where u going?
M: Do u have ANY idea how much paperwork I’ve got to do?
Just unlocked a memory of when I was in college and I was in Cabo with a guy I was seeing & he made me FaceTime my surgeon brother about the fact that his feet were swollen & my brother talked him through it then texted me after “do NOT give me a useless brother in law”
Hot chick without makeup: her beauty is so effortless & carefree
Me without makeup: why is that very sick grandma not in a home
Damn girl are you the sun because you need to stay 92,960,000 miles away from me.
6yo: I like my hair short and long. I want my hair to be short and long at the same time.
Me: *shows her a picture of a mullet*
6yo: Oh no.
I was going through a stack of yearbooks yesterday when I saw I was voted “Most Likely to Steal all These Damn Yearbooks”.
*looks gift horse in the mouth
Gift Horse: Hey, my eyes are up here.
Adults should not be twins. Being twins is for children.
Me, with $33 left after paying bills: Let’s see how much a Land Rover costs
Halloween is the best because it’s the one day my kids go around demanding snacks from everyone else.
I bought a keg and bagels today. That’s what kegel is, right?
“snitches get stitches”
Me: *bleeding profusely* Hello, Cops? My brother stole Chapstick from CVS in 1997
Oh that’s cute you think the worst sound is “nails on a chalkboard”… Here, borrow my kids for an hour.
date: [pulls away from kissing] let’s move this to your bed
me: [sitting on a futon] you’re not gonna believe this
Eggs are really expensive! I should know. I fertilized one six years ago.
doktor: did you get a drug test?
me: nah I know what I’m on
Me, a cop: you’re gonna have to do a lie detector test
Detainee: I mean ok
Me: first question, do you like my outfit be honest
I shut down my rodent removal business. No more Mr. Mice Guy.
The lady beside me at the airport just pulled out a whole block of marble cheese and started gnawing on it. Frankly, my emotions are mixed