Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Me: I’ve sorted these toy boxes so you can put vehicles in one box and people and characters in the other. It will make tidying up quick and easy. Shall we try it?

4yo: *picks up a transformer. Philosophical debate ensues.*

When emails tell me to “Act Now!,” I immediately start reciting lines from Shakespeare.

gas pump: see attendant

me: looks like i no longer need gas

Dating is so easy. You just ask someone out and they say no

[at work the day after wishing my life was more like a video game]
“morning brent”
morning diane *accidentally jumps instead of sitting down*

I always make it a point to become friends with babies. That’s free cake once a year for a lifetime.

Yea girl, he’s your soulmate. And her soulmate, and her soulmate, and….ya know.

There’s so much spilled soda, popcorn and candy in here my feet are sticking to the floor. I’d complain to the management except this is my apartment.

‘Hit me with your pet shark’ #RuinAn80sSong

My default excuse for cancelling plans is “poetry.” No one has ever asked me to elaborate.

I have a place for everything. The floor.

*walks in house wearing a large neck brace*
oh no, what happened?
“my earbud cord got caught on a chair while I was walking”

My kids have been watching Bluey and they’ve started saying ‘oh biscuits’ instead of ‘oh shit,’ so don’t tell me screen time isn’t beneficial.

🤣🤣

my 4-year-old was staring at me and said he was scared of “all the weird red lines” on my eyeballs and now i’m trying to decide whether or not to tell him that he and his brother are responsible for my lack of sleep, aka weird red eyeballs

why is john fetterman calling brian williams from the blair witch corner

If not now, then when? If not you, then who?

— the pile laundry on my loveseat begging me to fold it

all stores should have bathrooms in the front AND the back. the chances my kid will use the conveniently placed front bathroom when we first walk in are 0. The chances he’ll want to use one is when we’re 2 miles in the back of the store is 100.

May your ex’s phone charger only ever work at a specific angle.

[voice recognition in car]

Car: “please say a command”
Me: “call Tim”
Car: “calling Sarah Marcogliese”

me: how can Americans be so arrogant?

also me: *is mad when United States is listed alphabetically instead of at the top of a list*

If you love someone, give them a possum in a box. Then you’ll know how they react in a panic and you might change your mind.

*doctor looks up*
I’m afraid you have forgetting about 80’s bands disease
“Oh god what’s The Cure?”
*doctor sighs*
It’s worse than I thought

Things my cat eats: grass
Things my cat shouldn’t eat: grass

Things my cat should eat: cat food
Things my cat doesn’t eat: cat food

Colour of my cat: black and white
Colour of cows: black and white

Synopsis: My cat is a cow

*does a bunch of math problems while doing sit ups*

*checks for abacus*

Q: What kind of dinosaur loves sleep?
A: All of them! They will never wake up now.

My package got from New York to Chicago in the same business day. Over the next four days it has traveled less than 20 miles, although it moves every day. I think it is walking here.