am i supposed to have a separate mouth with which to kiss my mother please advise
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Just because you can eat everything at the “all you can eat buffet”, doesn’t mean you should. I know this now.
Impervious: being an admitted pervert
Almost got asked for ID this morning!
Ok, most of my face was covered by a mask but I’m still having it!
3% human
97% stress
My husband got me Alexa for Christmas, like I need another person in the house claiming they didn’t hear me.
Me: sobbing because Antie died in “Honey, I Shrunk The Kids”.
Also me: two cans of Raid in hand, chasing one single ant across the house.
him: who is your fantasy?
me: huh?
him: who would you like to be stuck in an elevator with?
me: the elevator repair man.
Guy 1: I do a poor impression of Sean Connery.
Guy 2: Shame.
GOD: Eyelashes
ANGEL: What do they do?
GOD: Protect eyes
ANGEL: And?
GOD: Get into people’s eyes. It’s extremely painful.
ANGEL: Are you ok?
I have a friend who doesn’t drink coffee, so to stay alert at work he gets a healthy amount of sleep each night. What a loser
F.Y.I. You pee on a jellyfish sting not a jelly stain.
Again my apologies to the lady at the IHOP this morning.
Guard: Sorry, no dogs
Man: But it’s a guide dog
Guard: Oh, ok
Guide Dog: And if you look to your left you’ll notice an insensitive jerk
If they ever reboot Grease, it must be directed by M. Night Shama-lamma-ding-dong.
If you like piña coladas
And gettin’ caught in the rain
Then you need an umbrella
For your drink & your mane
Detective Baby: We got you dead to rights, dirtbag.
*suspect puts face in hands*
Detective Baby: HE’S ESCAPED
Me: I taught the dog to say the 7 deadly sins
Wife: No you didn’t
Dog: Ruff
Me: See, wrath!
Wife: He said ruff! You can’t teach a dog to
Dog: Gluttony
Wife: Holy shit
Until public restrooms have automatic doors, the automatic sinks, soap and paper towel dispenser will make no sense to me.
Miles: Mom what does clitoral damage mean?
Me: 😳 Use it in a sentence, baby
Miles: Like clitoral damage in a war?
Me: Co-lat-er-ul, babe
*loudly introduces everyone to the elephant in the room
Always have a fake name at the ready so you don’t tell the cops something stupid, like “Andrew Granola.”
Eating wings is the opposite of flying
*Uses time machine to constantly go back to bed*
*Hears loud noise*
Me: What are y’all doing?
5yo: Nothing. We’re not messing with bowling balls!
Guy: [strolling along] Well, at least I have my heal- *piano falls on his head*
Me: [leaning out my apartment window] Oh no! My piano!
[pet store]
me: are the birds expensive?
employee: they’re going cheap
me: I know how they work
I just saw a post on a group in Facebook where someone was looking for a stud finder. No one commented anything funny. What the hell is wrong with people?
Man online: You will die childless and alone with your 30 cats.
Me: Sweet.
Since they won’t vote anyway, Obama should make the GOP look bad by nominating a bald eagle holding a picture of Jesus to the Supreme Court.
[product pitch meeting]
BOSS: ok what have you come up with
ME: a turbo walker for seniors
BOSS: but how would their legs even keep up
ME [proudly]: with these roller skates