am i supposed to have a separate mouth with which to kiss my mother please advise
You Might Also Like
*pulls out 50 inch TV*
What? It’s really a phone.
My wife’s favorite position is where I’m bent over the kitchen sink doing the dishes.
My husband sure has a lot of opinions on which movie he’s gonna sleep through.
My houseplants watching me put water in the espresso machine
The best part about being thirty is that I’m finally old enough to play a high schooler in movies.
No matter how hard I try, I just never seem to run out of bad ideas.
Don’t ring my doorbell unless you’re accompanied by a camera crew and holding balloons & a big check.
The unemployed urge to say I love you during a job interview.
Shout out to Grok for making this image I requested of elderly people hugging for an article I’m writing and not realizing until after I submitted the piece that this guy has two right arms in different sleeve material.
Being a dog must be wild, everyone you meet is your masseuse
American cheese is just regular cheese that’s not afraid to fight for freedom! Also, it’s fatter than the other cheeses. And more racist.
This Halloween, I’m going as the one thing more unsettling than a serial killer: someone interested in serial killers
My 3yo asked me for breakfast. I told her to ask her dad. She said her dad couldn’t because he had no shirt. It was fun watching her reaction as she realized I had no pants. My 3yo trying to decide wether no pants, or no shirt should give her breakfast was amazing.
I’m in the other room and I hear my 3yo shout, “In your face, poop”. Then the toilet flushes. I would give anything to get that excited about pooping again.
Marriage is one person sitting on the couch eating Cheetos while the other looks for the remote because she can’t hear the TV
*wipes off Chapstick
Weigh me now
[•[•[•[•[•[•[•_•]•]•]•]•]•]•] Lego guy gang comin right at u
I made the obviously poor decision to only eat half of my burrito and now the other half won’t stop staring at me
Just once I’d like to see 25 tiny cars come out of a clown.
I wasted too much money on three pairs of purple camouflage pants.
“Does my uniform make me look fat?”,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,
Insecurity guard……….
I was just on a date with a woman and, while showing me a video on her phone, saw she received a text that said “well, looks aren’t everything.” Oof
Welcome to your 40’s: that kid acting like your doctor, is your doctor.
[Me at job interview]
And, how seriously does your company take allegations of witchcraft?
A harried Japanese guy is ushering me to the starting blocks of the 400 meter sprint. Please help i dont want this. I am not fast
If you ever feel stupid just know that I once cried bc I thought I ran over a crow but it was just a black work glove that was already dead.
Me: haha why would I stop eating cheese because of what you heard in a horoscope
Doctor: stethoscope
At McDonalds looking at the menu through opera binoculars.
Mimes are known to commit
unspeakable acts.
Im an adult and still don’t play by the rules *pretends to take long drag from chocolate cigarette*