Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Thanks to technology, family members from across the country can still have meetings to discuss what a disappointment you are.

“Opening a llama acting school called ‘Save the Drama for your Llama.”

“No, I mean where do you see yourself in 5 years with this job?”

To whoever has my old phone number: I truly hope you’re enjoying those texts from that guy I met at that thing

i got my shoelace completely entangled around the pedal of a stationary bike at the gym and had to ask a stranger to untangle me, which took a good solid 7 minutes. but sure put me down as your emergency contact

My organization has hidden the gender of 5 babies around the city. We will reveal one every hour until our demands have been met

The family that dives into an active volcano together stays together.

“It’s not what it looks like,” I say to the bunny noticing my slippers.

Brit friend: Ugh. Brexit is a disaster. How are things over there?

Me: We”re in a ketchup war with Canada.

Me: Honey, have you seen my beer?

Wife: Did you check in the shower?

Me: OOOH!!! Good thinking!

he died doing what he loved: trying to find out if gang members are ticklish

I used to eat my feelings but now it’s so expensive I might as well go to therapy

if i text you “🤩” it means i have a starfish over each eye

[ant colony]

husband: I am beat

wife: you’re the one who wanted to be in construction. I should’ve married a doctor

husband: yeah but *flexing* can a doctor lift 5,000 times his body weight?

wife: WE ALL CAN, GARY

Me sliding into hell like

Raccoons are like hobos, they live outside plus they don’t like being shaved while they’re eating.

The fact that ‘head and shoulders’ doesn’t have a body wash called knees and toes is as much as a disappointment to me, as I am in myself, for writing this Tweet.

I have way less energy than your average haunted doll.

“At least you’re going to get a lot of material out of this,” is comedian-speak for, “Sorry about your life, dude.”

I just wanna be rich enough to not have to run onstage after concerts to get my bra back

boomer parents will be text “call me” with the same urgency of a family member in the hospital or a question about what that one dessert was called that they had with you at a restaurant at the shore 3 years ago

[new coffee shop]

DAY 1
barista: name?
me: Pru
b: order for Prune!

DAY 2
m: Pru. P-R-U
b: Poo!

DAY 3
m: JANE… MY NAME’S JANE

Serendipity requires the hardest driving rain occurs during the walk from your car to the office door.

*sips from glass of water that’s been sitting out for a while*

ugh, it tastes like the house

Directions: Allow food to sit and cool for five minutes before eating.

Me: No.

[group therapy]

me: you ever feel so full of rage that you wish you could just ram somebody with your car and then throat punch them when they stumble out?

voldemort: uhh no

joker: yikes

darth vader: seriously what is wrong with you

On a road trip passing a billboard that says live girls dancing daily.

My daughter’s voice from the backseat, “wow, that’s a lot of recitals.”

God I hate kids.

And people.

And animals.

And sardines.

And stuff that’s alive.

And stuff that’s dead.

I hate stuff.

I like cheese.

[to an inflatable tube man waving outside a car dealership]
i feel like you’re overreacting. these are moderate savings at best

What’s a demon’s favorite Hungarian food?
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Ghoulash.

And…

…am I doing this joke thing right?

To be honest, the only reason I’m interested in space is to experience the sublime satisfaction of throwing an enemy out of an airlock.