Am I supposed to know my own blood type? I don’t even know what types of blood there are
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If my wife takes any longer to get ready to go out, she’ll need to go and shave her legs again!!
Her: Wow, how’d you get that black eye?
Me: *thinks back to that husky raccoon lying in wait* BAR FIGHT
“I’m so sorry”, I go around whispering to people who’ve just woken up from a coma.
the word “crocheting” pisses me off. like check out this new word guys, it’s called crowshaying but we’re gonna spell it like screaming with your head in a metal bucket.
There’s an age where being drunk becomes pathetic but if you hang in there somewhere around 70 it becomes cool again.
[galileo’s wife walks in]
*quickly pointing the telescope from the neighbor’s window to the sky*
i was just studying the… phases of venus.
Optimist: the glass is half full
Pessimist: everything is dying
“For I am Christ the Redeemer, He Who Saves!”- Jesus, using his coupons.
My husband got barbecue sauce on my mom’s favorite white tablecloth. For five whole minutes I wasn’t the biggest disappointment in her life.
[on a deserted island, receives message in a bottle]
“We’ve been trying to reach you regarding your car’s expired warranty”
ATTENTION EVERYONE MONEY ORDERS ARE A SCAM THEY EXPECT YOU TO HAVE THE MONEY ALREADY YOU CANNOT ORDER IT
I saved a ton of money by eating all my groceries before getting to the register.
A customer told me they were never coming back….
Her: could you not do that?
Me: but I’m just being me
Her: OK, good. So you understand the problem.
40% of my vocabulary consists of words that I inventaciously creatified.
Thanks for sharing your moon with me on Instagram. We don’t have a moon where I live.
Today I’m offering free root canals. I’ve watched a bunch of YouTube videos and I can do this
Attorney: identity theft is a serious crime
John Jacob Jingleheimerschmidt: i will explain once more
HER: You almost ready to go to my mothers?
ME: *looking out window wondering if the jump will only break a leg & not kill me* Be right down.
GOD: They scared enough?
ANGEL: Not yet
GOD: You got Trump running?
ANGEL: Yup
GOD: Hurricane?
ANGEL: Yup
GOD: Ok, send in the clowns.
Waitress: Welcome to the Karma Cafe
Me: What do you sell here
Waitress: Just desserts
nothing makes me feel appreciated at work more than management sweetly saying “have you been helped?” because they have no idea i work here
GREAT WHITE SHARK: *Jumps out of water & eats seal*
JUST OK WHITE SHARK: *Frantically waves flipper to try & get seaweed off but can’t*
How do I feel about your goatee? I shave every part of my legs except the knees, how do you feel about that?
How to be a Canadian:
1) Love hockey
2) Use good manners
3) Drink Tim Hortons
4) Live in a igloo
5) Hunt moose with stick
The year is 1997. Your Tamagotchi is thriving. You just set a new personal best with your Bop It. Your mom packed Dunkaroos in your lunch. Everyone at school wants to be your friend. Life is good.
The year is 2020. You just found out Dunkaroos are coming back. Life is good.
I was feeling really, really stupid today. And then I remembered that there are probably other people out there that also feel really, really stupid. And I felt a little better. Thanks everyone.
A woman started choking in the line at Starbucks- it was so scary but thankfully someone opened another register.
Friend: your kid is bouncing off the walls and running everywhere!
Me: yeah… she’s super tired
Friend: tired?
Me: it’s complicated
(doing standup routine)
Dating! Dating is tough man! I gotta explain the amulet that fuels my greed but also is the only thing keeping Beelzebub at bay?? After going on bumble it’s like screw it!
Beelzebub (cheering from the crowd): take the amulet off!