Am I supposed to present a monologue play while I use this toilet? Wtf is it on a stage for.
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boss: why aren’t you getting your work done?
me: [staring at 5 hours of meetings on my calendar today] it’s a hell of a mystery really.
Bird: *flies into my office window*
Me: yeah, same.
I want to be financially secure enough to pass up a dime lying in a parking lot. Like “I’ll leave that for someone who needs it”
A guy at work spent the morning with his fly down.
We won’t mention names because that won’t solve anything and I already feel stupid enough.
Nothing takes longer than a kid telling you a joke they just made up.
Welcome to middle age.
Only one nostril works
Everyone needs a plan B?
I’m already on plan M
CEO: what’s the store layout
me: sick people will walk to the very back for prescriptions
CEO: ok
me: cigarettes will be right up front
CEO: first of all I love it
Facebook’s targeted ads think I have a cat.
I don’t, but I visited a friend with one and talked about it out loud.
The most powerful spy software in the world is trying to sell me kitty litter.
Skynet is here and it’s lame as hell.
[first day as a pilot]
me: *looking down nervously* what are all these buttons for
co-pilot: they keep your shirt closed
If it looks like a duck, swims like a duck, and barks like a pig, then I probably took too many pills.
New research in early toy-purchase psychology has found that the majority of parents subconsciously hope their children become xylophonists.
Words can hurt. Especially when someone throws a big book at your head.
Ignorance is not bliss. It’s just a fancy word for stupid.
Dear Satan,
God never healed my dyslexia so I’m looking for new religion. Please send some pamphlets. And tell Rudolph hey.
Love,
Me
Wife: [looking at bank statement] what’s this huge charge from Clones R Us?
Me: [sends group text to 7 other me’s] she’s on to us
rip st. patrick, you would have loved green day.
Rebranding demon possession as a cure for loneliness.
WIFE: Now stick to the list, okay?
ME: I will.
[later]
WIFE: What the hell?
[6 puppies run by]
ME: Relax, they were on sale, Karen.
Person: “Why are you wheelchair bound?”
Me [from my wheelchair]: “To even the playing field for everyone else.”
Ah, 50s…you just keep on giving.
Me: You’re leaving me again?
Her: (packing)
Me: Is it because I mix up the suffixes for ordinal numbers?
Her: (walking downstairs)
Me: ..my misuse of common sayings?
Her: (opening door)
Me: Come on, one more chance!
Her: (car starting)
Me, yelling: 5rd time’s a charm!
“Will.he.was”
-Will.i.am’s tombstone
ME: How much for this aggressive bottle of water?
FIREFIGHTER: Sir that’s a hydrant
one day, after your children have moved out, you realize it was your husband who you needed to hide the good cookies from all along
It’s Election Eve, Not Election and Steve!
Them: can you explain the gaps in your resume?
Me: Can you explain your haircut?
I’ve been eating this memory foam for weeks now and I can’t even remember why I’m still eating memory foam
Parents: You can be anything you want to be kiddo!
Me: Okay I definitely want to be an artist!
Parents: lol no we meant a real job.
Dear Fox news,
I have yet to see any news about foxes.
Sincerely,
disappointed viewer.