Am I supposed to present a monologue play while I use this toilet? Wtf is it on a stage for.
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I woke up in the middle of the night and wrote “dentists are liars” into my phone. Not really sure what the plan is with that.
Gang tip: If a rival gang tags their symbol on your turf, don’t cover it. Add a drawing of Calvin peeing on it.
Now who’s stupid? They are!
Boss : Why Are You Late?
She : Heavy Traffic
Boss : Is that my fault?
She : Did I Blame You
Me: No one told me raising a baby would be sooo hard 😰
My baby:
The me who snips coupons needs to communicate better with the me who walks into the stores.
“Stop slapping your brother’s forehead with that bacon.”
——‘What are things I never thought I’d need to say today’ for $100, Alex
WRITER: It’s a kids movie about a woman trying to kill & skin a puppy.
PRODUCER: That’s horrific!
W: What if it was 101 puppies?
P:…Go on
me: I just hate delivering bad news over the phone
firefighter: *staring at burned down building* ok but you still should’ve
[before meditation]
I just wanna kill someone[after meditation]
and I know EXACTLY how
Oatmeal shouldn’t get to have the word “meal” in it. How about oatsnack? Or oatbullshit?
Only I can prevent forest fires? Why are you leaving me in charge of forest fires? I can’t even prevent chafing.
bugs bunny: i’m asking lola to marry me, i need a ring
jeweler: how many karats
bugs bunny: however many it takes, my good man, i just love her soo much
People be like “do what makes you happy” and then complain when I’m drunk again
*leads wife into bedroom where rose petals on comforter spell out “NO, YOU TAKE OUT THE GARBAGE”
The final dance in Dirty Dancing, but they’re dancing to The Muppet Show theme tune.
Sitting on airplane…. I sanitize our tray tables, seat cushions, seatbelts, and seatback pockets. My child then licks the window.
She left me because I am insecure.
No wait, she’s back.
She just went to get a glass of water.
I get it crossfitters, if I did that I’d be angry, too.
I broke up with my boyfriend last night because his wife snores too loud.
Cop: Can you describe the man who stabbed you?
Me: He kept going like this [stabbing motion]
u spoke cat all this time??????
There’s a big difference between seminary school and semenary school.
The scene from Shawshank Redemption where Andy’s free & kneeling in the rain, except it’s me after any conversation with my mom finally ends
There are 363 days till Christmas and people already have their Christmas lights up.
Unbelievable.
Is your refrigerator running?
Because I might vote for it.
Cauliflower is broccoli dressed up as a ghost for Halloween.
ME: I fell off a 50 ft tall ladder once
GIRL: holy cow how did you survive
ME: I fell off the bottom rung
Making a password as a teen: dolphinsarecool
Making a password as an adult: Dolphinsarecool!2
ME: I can’t believe it’s not butter
FRIEND: This is a shoe
ME: Omg I can’t believe it