Am I supposed to present a monologue play while I use this toilet? Wtf is it on a stage for.
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Friends with my exes? I’m barely friends with my friends.
Eating healthy is boring but it can extend your lifespan so basically there are no advantages
Tell me again why was it necessary to dress as Snow White & bring a basket of eggs to the delivery?
I love gay people. Or as I sometimes call them, “people.”
something that I miss about being a child is people asking me what my favourite shape is. adults don’t do this.it’s a rhombus. u don’t care
BOSS: it says here that you’re too sexy for your shirt. Is that a typo?
ME: *doing my little turn on the catwalk* I’m also good with Excel
Me: I won’t be needing you to help me work through my problems anymore.
Therapist: why’s that?
Me: I got a dog.
If u ever rob someones house just bring guacamole that way if they catch you you can just yell surprise and tell them they’re having a party
[sees ghost in my room]
Ghost: don’t be scared
Me: I’m not
Ghost [points to wet patch]: you’re a little scared
Me [nervously]: oh no a ghost
Girlfriend: Are you cheating on me?
Me: You sound like my wife.
People say that Twitter is pointless but it’s teaching my children to be self sufficient.
People on Facebook really lose their shit when you comment on their hospital check ins with ‘Glad you’re not too sick to post your status’
[checking bag at the airport]: yes, that is indeed a bag
911: What’s you’re emergency?
ME: You mean “your”?
911: OK. So..?
ME: Someone’s murdering me
911: You mean “murdered”
ME:..
911: [dial tone]
Watching tv with 4 and now he knows the word crescent.
All I learned as a kid was how hard to hit a cat with a frying pan without killing it
Why I gotta scan all my parts at tsa but they cant scan the airplane for all its parts
spider-man is good at witty comebacks, because with great power comes great response ability
*Showing me a picture of your baby*
Me: Is that a dog toy in the background? What kind of dog do you have? What’s your dog’s name?
SOCIETY: if it’s sent by car let’s call it a shipment
ME: what if it’s sent by ship
SOCIETY: we’ll call that cargo
Murder was so easy in the 1800s… little bit of poison in your soup, murdered. Technology has ruined everything.
Partner: It’s raining
Me: But just water, right, not frogs or fire or anything
Buying my parents’ house.
Soon, like so many of the ‘ladies’ here…
I too will be a middle aged man tweeting from his mom’s basement.
why does every 4-way stop remind me of a group project?
a murder of crows, a troop of monkeys, a pod of dolphins, a herpe of Kardashians
Me: *watching the driver of the hearse in front of us jump out, race to the back, open the door, peek in, and slam it shut* Well that’s disconcerting.
Son: Nah, it would be disconcerting if he ran away from the hearse.
Most things in life aren’t free. HOWEVER if you run fast enough, they are.
People who think being an aunt is some kind of “easy,” fun, responsibility-free way to spend time with kids REALLY do not understand how hard it is to open a child-locked drawer
Want to annoy the man in your life? Pronounce MMA “mama”.
A gathering of crows is called a murder.
A gathering of eagles is called a convocation.
A gathering of old girlfriends is called a mistake,
…a terrible, terrible mistake.