“Am I The A******? I punted my son into a volcano for not doing his homework”
You Might Also Like
marriage counselor: pretend you both just started talking.
me: goo goo gah gah
marriage counselor: no.
DOCTOR: I have some bad news. You have HIV
ROMAN: What?!
DOCTOR: Do you have any questions at this time?
ROMAN: Yes, wtf is H4?
Netflix: Are you still watching?
Me: Yes. I like to watch.
Netflix: I’m worried about you.
Me: Just play the next episode.
Netflix: When was the last time you saw the sun?
Me: There was an outdoor scene in episode 7. Play on.
[jogging]
brain: let’s talk shall we
me: ok
brain: are we being chased
me: no
brain: are we chasing something
me: no
brain: so wtf are we doing then
heart & lungs: we also have questions
[showing colleague a pic on phone]
“NO! Don’t scroll left!”
My face falls as he sees my erotic photo collection of donuts on plates.
Her: How do you do it w/ 4 kids?
Hubs: With the door locked.
Me: She means how do we manage…but yeah.
ZUCKERBERG: im ready to answer any questions u might have about facebook
84-YEAR-OLD SENATOR: excellent. mr zuckerberg my farmville farm needs more pigs but i cannot figure out where to purchase them
I’m never not disappointed when a woman says she’s going through “the change” and doesn’t become a transformer
Apple managed to launch IPhone 8 and make it outdated all in a span of 25 minutes #AppleEvent
be the person your targeted ads think you should be
me as a parent
This household only uses the finest of cat hair on its sandwiches.
I used to be married, but I’m better now
There should be a product swap booth on the way into Costco, you can bring the massive package of snacks that your kid used to like and exchange it for the huge box of snacks that some other kid has rejected
Beware of girls like Princess Peach. She seems cool at first but she ends up in some other dude’s castle far too often to be a coincidence.
Wife: you wanna play monopoly?
Me: sure if there’s one thing we need to do more of as a couple it’s recreational arguing
doctor: how are u
me: good
doctor: my wife left thanks for asking
I just saw my husband get into the car and drive away to go to work. He was not wearing a shirt. I don’t know if he knows that.
*feels the wind in my toe hair
*incoming text*
“hey bud can I crash at ur place”
Sure come on over
*sound of approaching airplane*
Chat: “don’t”
Email: “I do not”
Essay of 2,500 words: “Henceforth, I have suddenly discovered that I am now bereft of the ability to do”
my boss: your emails are full of spelling errors. You need to work on that
me: not today satin
[cop directing traffic holds up hand for me to stop] Ok but I’m stopping bc I want to not bc you told me to
I miss the days when people used to be less nostalgic.
*snowstorm rolls through*
*work closes*
Me: “This is the greatest day of my life!”
*daycare closes*
Me: “I wish I was dead.”
There’s something strangely unsettling about the petting zoo selling hamburgers.
Don’t cry for me, Argentina,
Keep your face dry, Dubai,
No tears, Algiers,
Or from you, Peru,
Now Oman, no cry.
Happy Birthday to me. 27 years old… in Spice Girl years.
Stereotypes are like mass graves. They’re both offensive ways to lump groups of people together
yeah no that’s fair
