“Am I The A******? I punted my son into a volcano for not doing his homework”
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Dear Stephanie on Facebook,
I do not care that you are watching The Breakfast Club.
I only want to know what channel it’s on.
I think Jesus would have killed it at water skiing
Her: How often do you think about the Roman Empire
Me: Almost never.
Her: Oh that’s a relief.
Me: (goes back to thinking about the Romulan Empire)
DOG 911: what’s your emer-
DOG: MY HUMAN SAID “WALK” WHILE TALKING
DOG 911: so?
DOG: WE NEVER WENT FOR A WALK
DOG 911: OMG
DOG: OMG
Me: *wakes up screaming*
Wife: What’s wrong?
Me: Nightmare with the Microsoft Word Paperclip Helper again
Wife: Need some help?
Me: AHHH
I’m getting into the smashed penny business. I stand near the machine and sell parents 2 quarters and a penny for 5 dollars.
Kanye forcing Owen Wilson to lie in the back seat of his car & make comments on the road so he can pretend he’s driving Lightning McQueen.
Game of Thrones, at its core, has always been a show about how much it sucks to be a horse
Netflix to unveil new ad sponsored content in a move that industry executives call “Television.”
I only treason on days ending in y
“I don’t care about ‘marketing’. It’s the family name so that’s what we’re calling it.”
My kids slept til 7:30 on the weekend so I gave them ice cream for breakfast and let them ride their bikes in the house.
The first sign of a serial killer is when a kid draws a Sun but it’s not wearing sunglasses
[watches you eat my bday cake]
“I’ve poisoned that.”
“Haha very [clasps chest & begins panting] w-with what?”
[leans in & winks]
“Poison.”
people act so amazed at shroedingers cat being alive and dead at the same time as if they’ve never met someone who works customer service
When you’re too stoned to be in a meeting and someone asks your opinion just say “well it’s a numbers game” and watch everyone nod in agreement
If television has taught me anything, it’s that I can totally outrun an explosion.
My kids made a mess this morning pretending to be leprechauns. They don’t know it yet, but after school they get to pretend to be janitors.
Relationship status: Getting dirty is always a reference to food stains.
Why’s it called aioli and not gourmayonnaise?
My GF: so… do you like my new nylons?
Me [thinking about robbing a bank]: oh yes
If shame burned calories, I’d be back to my birth weight by now
Victorian photographers like “Okay we have a two deceased relatives propped in chairs package or our popular one deceased, multiple poses plus family pet package. We can include coffins but the trend now is to have some fun capturing pics where it’s unclear who’s actually alive”
Interviewer: strengths?
Me: I’m sociable and can pretend to get along with most people….
Interviewer: er, ….. yes ok, right, moving on! Weaknesses?
Me: erm….*thinking furiously*…. bladder??
Wealthy person whose material needs are met without question who also meditates sometimes: Meditation is my secret weapon.
If your job is so “essential” that you can’t get off for a killer global pandemic, you deserve $15 an hour and a union.
Marriage should be traditional. As it was in The Bible. Between a man and a rib.
Flying to China to meet my inflatable boyfriend’s parents.
Every chair is a reclining chair when you’re drunk.
who can I pay to hit me in the head with a baseball bat so I go into a coma for exactly 2 weeks and one day