Am I the most attractive woman out there ? Of course not. But do I have a good personality ? Well, no. But do I wake up every day and try to be the best person that I can be ? Also no.
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[trying to ride a horse]
ME: oh shit how do i slow down?!
GUY OUTSIDE THE SUPERMARKET: this is for children
Everyone talks about how social media is bad for your mental health but what about Excel?
I’m at my most vulnerable when I’m hungry like I’ll tell you anything
You may not like the word “moist” but the alternative is “endampened” and I’ll not have endampened cake.
[having a discussion]
BF: don’t make me keep talking I will only make it worse
I’m not afraid to go to prison I really need a vacation
me: this was fun
demon haunting me: this was not a date
me: text me when you get home
demon: ok
[After winning an award]
HOST: Is there anyone you’d like to thank?ME [smiles at wife in the crowd as I lean into the mic] Absolutely not
Never seen a bar fight break out while people are drinking wine. Beer, yes. Hard liquor, yes. But not wine.
90% of parenting, is saying different variations of “We don’t eat waffles with our feet”.
If you’re happy and you know it…
Watch the news.
ME (working in a bank): Ugh I am so tired today
ROBBER: EVERYONE ON THE GROUND & DO NOT MOVE
ME [blowing up neck pillow] I could kiss you
Wife: Are…are you training a beaver in karate?
Me: Well, actually it’s not a beav-
Wife: I don’t care what it is, just get rid of it!
Me: [whispering] It’s okay Woodchuck Norris. Don’t let her dash your dreams.
Go to Heaven for the climate, Hell for the company.
(listening to “How to save a life” by The Fray) please hurry.
dads on road-trips be like
my uncle was kicked out of the army for eating too many spider webs
i’m not “wearing a costume” that would be childish and silly. i’m wearing a disguise
[god creatig god]
GOD: make him omnipotent & onmipresent
ANGEL: ok…
GOD: and also provide no evidence he exists
ANGEL: ru sure
GOD: trust me
*crosses the street slowly in front of your car at an extreme and unnecessary angle*
*checks the hip hop section*
Nope. No one named Velocirapper yet.
I miss the days where someone would tell us shit like “Mick Jagger is Kesha’s dad” and we’d all just believe it for months because it didn’t matter if it was true or not
I miss the days of Agatha Christie when rich people only murdered each other.
Me: Is there any particular way you don’t want your name pronounced?
Percy: Not per se
“You there, yes you, what year is it? Is Kanye West still president?”
*sees sharp scissors, hot glue guns, and simmering office rage*
Maybe team building with arts and crafts wasn’t such a great idea.
[Bath & Body Works]
Me: I need a bottle of body lotion for my wife.
Clerk: These are Buy 3 Get 1 Free.
Me: I just need this one here.
Clerk: That’s not Buy 3 Get 1 but it IS Buy 1 Get 2 and if you buy this it’s Buy 2 Get 3 Free.
Me [leaving with 300 bottles]: how did this happen
Me: I love you
7yo: I love you too
Me: l love you to infinity
7yo: I love you to infinity too
Me: l love you more than ice cream
7yo:
7yo: what flavor?
When someone asks me why I’m in a wheelchair, I want to say something ridiculous like, “I’m not standing up until my grandson gets a Golden Ticket to Willy Wonka’s Chocolate Factory.”
Parenting is all about multitasking. Like trying to brush your teeth while you’re rock climbing.