Am I the most attractive woman out there ? Of course not. But do I have a good personality ? Well, no. But do I wake up every day and try to be the best person that I can be ? Also no.
You Might Also Like
I’ve got this great joke where I kidnap people’s sticker families and leave little post-it ransom notes. Adorable or horrifying? You decide
Me: The cool thing about writing is that you learn a lot about yourself.
*learns a lot about myself*
Me: aaaaaaaaaAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAA
Relatives – Because sometimes you need reminding of your bad genes too
artificial flowers are properly known as “flower decoys”; learn some flower calls, then use the decoys to attract and kill real flowers
*listening to the neighbor’s kids screaming outside*
“I know right it’s terrifying GET INSIDE!”
Trick-or-Treaters don’t like it when you offer them a healthier alternative to sweets, like an old wardrobe I want rid of.
What I said: Brush your teeth!
What my 4yo heard: Chew on your toothbrush so I have to buy you a new one every week.
Me: How was schoo—
5yo: LUNCH WAS CHEESE PIZZA AS BIG AS MY FACE. THEY HAVE IT EVERY DAY THIS WEEK.
Me: So it was—
5yo: I LOVE IT HERE. FIVE STARS
A game of cat and mouse, but it’s just me chasing random strangers when I see them with donut boxes.
ME: cheese omelette
WAITER: chicken or Cadbury Creme eggs
ME: hmmm… you know what, surprise me
Barista: Name?
Me: Lotta Sexhaver *wink*
*Time passes*
Barista: Got a latte for Virgin McLiar
Me: Wanna go out on a date sometime?
Her: Sure, I’d love to
Me: Wtf is wrong with you
yall pray for me, nothing’s wrong im just in college
rip st. patrick, you would have loved green day.
If you click with someone, be their friend. If they prove they’re not worthy of your friendship, bury the body & start again.
Me: (checks Duolingo to see if there’s a lesson plan to learn the new weird slang my middle school kid uses unironically on a regular basis)
You know that pain which starts at your hip, runs down your leg, out the front door,and goes across the street to the bus stop… I’ve that.
[ Quarantine week 2 ]
We want to become self-sufficient so we planted our own tater tot tree.
My 4-year-old, while sharing a space with other people, has been exclaiming with a sigh that he’s ALL ALONE, and I keep thinking, “Damn, kids these days are getting to work early on their existential crises.”
Just saw a woman, covered in red paint, running and screaming from an abandoned country house, LOL good prank.
“The best things in life are free.” ~ shoplifters.
I’m mostly excited to be divorced so I don’t have to eat this weird tomato and shrimp Jello dish at my in-law’s at Christmas.
Me:
How’s that chicken babe, too spicy?12:
Its not really spicy..Except on the way out
Any dad can be a stepdad if you use him to reach the top shelf
Nursing school doesn’t prepare you for the number of elderly patients who will casually confess to decades-old murders.
Billy Joel is wearing damp clothes because he didn’t start the dryer
My son said it was the best babysitter ever but the look on her face when we returned told a much different story.
I changed to high thread counts when I moved. I have fallen out of the bed 5 times. Super slippery. No wonder those Egyptians died young. Prolly slid right off they pyramids.
If you put dry teabags in shoes they absorb the odor. So your shoes smell good but the tea tastes so bad it’s almost not worth it
If my psychiatrist said “There’s really nothing more I can do for you”, that means I’m cured right??