Am I the most attractive woman out there ? Of course not. But do I have a good personality ? Well, no. But do I wake up every day and try to be the best person that I can be ? Also no.
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*hears wife and son come home*
*suddenly remembers I was supposed to pick him up*
Brunos are from Mars, Freddies are from Mercury.
my kids don’t always go to the bathroom but when they do they need to use the same bathroom at the same time, all together
[interrogation]
“Where were u on the night of the 3rd?”
Stabbing a homeless man.
“Louder for the tape?”
Wrapping a boneless ham. As a gift.
“I think Esmerelda’s in trouble!”
“What makes you so sure, Quasimodo?”
“I have a…”
…
*sunglasses*
…
*turns to camera*
…
hunch.”
Every group chat births a second smaller group chat without the annoying people, and if you think yours doesn’t, I have some bad news
A creepy guy in a blue van saw me hit a car in the parking lot.
So I was obligated to leave a note… “ᴀ ᴄʀᴇᴇᴘʏ ɢᴜʏ ɪɴ ᴀ ʙʟᴜᴇ ᴠᴀɴ ʜɪᴛ ʏᴏᴜʀ ᴄᴀʀ”
Man on train saying he’s in back-to-back meetings all day, I suggested trying face-to-face meetings. He left without thanking me.
The only thing worse than getting caught sneaking alcohol into the house by your wife is being called amateur by your teen son.
Apparently changing the locks isn’t funny to my husband or my kids…but I gave my dog a new key.
cat: *unresponsive*
bartender: get this catatonic
My house isn’t messy.
It’s ‘Picasso-ish’.
there will never be a funnier headline than this one
I’m putting off having kids mainly because I’m not ready to be 9 months sober.
I’m eating cheese paired with cheese crackers because self-care is dairy important to me
[parent-teacher conference]
Teacher: Which kid is yours?
Me: I don’t have kids. I just heard the teachers here are hot.
T:
M: How you doin’?
Delilah: hey
Jude: hey there
Coffee is ready.
“I’d like a bowl of soup please.”
“Any sides?”
“I hope so, or it’ll go EVERYWHERE.”
Her: What are you thinking about right now?
Me: If I was an eel I’d have a little fish that lived in my mouth and I’d never need to floss
Apparently when a trainer asks you why you want to stay in shape and you answer “revenge” it will raise a couple eyebrows.
ME: Your lizard keeps biting me.
THEM: That’s a cactus
My son was mad at me today so he told me as much punishment I had to go to my room and sleep for 24 hours. If I got hungry, he’d bring me whatever food I wanted, but I was not allowed to leave my bed for one whole day.
If you need me, I’ll be on vaca-, I mean, in my room.
Breaking news from My dog!! there ar Small animals outside sometimes, but especially Right Now.
Amazon Tracking:
1. We’re not sure it exists.
2. Your package has arrived.
Friend: “Send me that picture we took last night, we probably look so good!”
The picture:
kid: whats the meaning of life?
me: life is like a bag of Doritos, when you get to a point where you think youve had enough, you notice there isnt much left in the bag, so you just power through to the end
kid: where do babies come from?
me: babies are like a bag of Doritos…
Bathroom stall doors should have peepholes so you don’t have to awkwardly knock if someone is in there
I’m not saying I was fired from Spirit Halloween for stealing, I’m just saying I have skeletons in my closet