Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Running away doesn’t help you with your problems. Unless you’re fat.

The word “hello” only became common in 1827 and I like to imagine a glorious era before that when everyone just ignored each other

If money can’t buy you happiness then you’re in the wrong mall.

Boss: How were your weekends?

Steve: I coached my son’s soccer team

Alice: I helped friends move and volunteered at an animal shelter

Me: I dreamed my clothes were made of peanut butter and jelly

ME: i’ve never been to europe
SOMEONE WHO’S BEEN TO EUROPE: you should totally go
ME: now that i think of it, it’s only been my lack of desire, alone, that has ever inhibited me to go so ok why not

only writing recipes in wordart from now on

my dentist called to tell me they overcharged me by $150 on my last visit which was cool at first but then i remembered that i only paid $130 for that visit and now i’m like, damn, how bad did they **** up my teeth that they were somehow supposed to owe me $20?

law suits: quality garments for lawyers

Top 5 Zones

5 – Twilight
4 – O
3 – End
2 – In the
1- Cal

Interviewer: How would you describe yourself?

Me: With adjectives.

The group of water bottles in my room when I bring in another one

I turned on my computer and it went “Word” and I was like “Yo”.

Sarah Palin isn’t racist. Some of her white friends’ best white friends have white friends who vaguely know someone who is black.

Might buy one those Amazon driver delivery uniforms so my wife will be excited to see me when I get home from work.

MATH TEACHER: wanna come do the problem on the board?

ME: no

MT: i wasn’t asking

ME: if u were an english teacher you’d know that u were

I’m not saying my wife orders a lot from Amazon but one of their drivers sent us a wedding invitation.

Daddy bear: my porridge is too hot.
Mummy bear: my porridge is too cold.
Baby bear: aren’t we supposed to eat fish?

heres my To Do List – become the new kfc colonel, mess with texas, invent a new animal just to piss off scientists

I can turn wine into a one night stand.

Your move Jesus.

6: My favorite kind of melon is Watermelon. What’s your favorite kind of melon?

11: Post Melon

6:

me: Should I pack condoms?
wife*laughs*
me*driving*
wife*still laughing*
me*checks into the hotel*
wife*calls friend so they can both laugh*

Cop: Know why I stopped you?

Me: Because of my expired tags? No, I bet it was because I was speeding. Wait, I want to change my answer. It was because I ran that red light, wasn’t it?

Cop: I need another ticket book.

Shoutout to all the bank robbers who aren’t being taken seriously anymore.

I don’t care if you’re here to murder me – we take our shoes off in this house.

I hate when you get all excited bc someone says they had a dream about you and then you find out you were just there holding a clipboard

First in my neighborhood to cut the grass and now the other husbands are looking at me like I reminded the teacher to assign homework.

there was a sandwich. on the edge of the counter. and now there isn’t. those are all the details. we can confirm so far. the piece of lettuce on my nose. is purely circumstantial

Overheard at work: “that is music to my ears”. Where else would the music go smartypants?

“Give a man a fish. Don’t ask why just do it.”
— if your boss wrote proverbs

crazy that a bridge collapsed. i better check twitter, esteemed symposium for civil engineers and nautical navigators