Am I the only one that still asks barking dogs if there’s someone stuck at the bottom of a well?
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That’s why you always keep moving. Don’t leave a digital footprint. Get a new identity, cut ties with family and friends. Keep a go-bag behind your bedroom drywall, stop watching reality TV.
That last one doesn’t have anything to do with being on the run, it’s just a good idea
Nothing more humiliating than sending a text message with a picture and the picture doesn’t send for ages and now you’ve said something sooo odd out of context
so you’re telling me a boot cut these jeans
I’ve started thinking in CNN. ‘Am I going to have a cup of coffee? Looking at historical trends, you would say yes. But! I am very comfortable. Maybe someone else will get me one. Maybe I’ll fall asleep. We’ll know more an hour from now. Back to you, Wolf.’
Sneaking alcohol into work is pretty easy if you put it in your stomach first.
[boss’s office]
BOSS: Do you like my fire place?
ME: Actually, it’s one word: “fireplace”
BOSS: You’re fired
ME: Oh, I get it now
Never carry too many grudges at once, make a few trips so you don’t throw your back out.
ME: Hit the panic button we’re being robbed
COLLEAGUE: It’s not working
ME: [hears ice cream truck pull up] Oh it’s working
Me – “did Benjamin Button’s pubes fall out or grow back inside his body?”
Doctor – “no I meant what seems to be the problem with you”
Wife and daughter are baking which means the air is filled with people arguing about baking soda.
Yes, Firefox. I will abort the script but only to save the life of the web page.
Etsy is cool. One time I bought a ghost
With the money I found in the dryer, the girl in me says buy chocolate and candy, but the adult in me says buy beer, chocolate and candy.
Is it a bad sign when your 8 year old laptop starts smoking?
Or is it just going through a rebellious phase?
“YES, MOM! NO CRUST! You’ve been making my sandwiches for 37 years now, STOP ASKING!”
*mom leaves crust on so you’ll finally move out*
If you cancel your Twitter account it’s called Twittercide.
If you cancel your Facebook account it’s just called Smart.
I’m sick of people not taking me seriously *Throws jester hat down in disgust*
I’m not moody, I’m just on shuffle
Don’t cry because it’s over smile because you had a solid alibi & no one will ever find the body.
Went to a bar. Ordered a drink. Waiter served it without ice. So I called him again & asked for it.
I kept sipping my drink while waiting for ice. By the time the waiter came with ice, I had finished my drink.
Moral of the story:
Just ice delayed is just ice denied.
i will avenge u mr van gogh
Tried to pull up my sleeve and accidentally punched myself.
It’s okay, I’ve had it coming for some time now.
Me: Any news?
Doctor: I’m just waiting for your x-ray.
Me: But I’ve never dated anyone called Ray.
Doctor: And we might do a brain scan.
Me: Screw you, Tuesday!
Tuesday: I have a boyfriend.
when I write a work email so good I go into Sent and admire my work
Package delivery vans should play music when they’re driving through a neighborhood like ice cream trucks do
my mom when anyone would walk on the carpet she just vacuumed
Star Wars, but every character is Owen Wilson
My 6 year old put a bucket over her head and climbed the new concrete stairs in our backyard. She immediately tripped & scraped her knee. Once the tears had dried, she sat down for some sober reflection and devised a plan to avoid a similar accident in the future: softer stairs