Am I the only one that still asks barking dogs if there’s someone stuck at the bottom of a well?
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dream blunt rotation
[at my funeral]
boss : you’re LATE
I don’t think Major Tom was much of an astronaut – Ground Control had to tell him to put his helmet on, FFS. That’s pretty basic stuff.
Everyone wants to know WHO’S the killer but no one wants to know HOW’S the killer
My husband let me sleep in late and then made me pancakes.
Someone please let Dateline know my death was absolutely premeditated.
Never eat ice cream while chatting online. Sister: why are you typing so slowly Me: well my other hands busy. She hasnt replied yet.
There’s a Gulf between peoples’ appreciation of cartoons. Dubai doesn’t like the Flintstones, but Abu Dhabi do.
Remember in Mario Kart when you thought you were in first place? Then realized you were looking at the wrong screen and crashing into walls and shit..
That’s adulthood….
A small toddler is the closest thing you can have to a Pokémon. It follows you around, you love it dearly, no one else can understand what it’s saying, and it is obedient only when it wants to be. The main difference is that training it to fight other toddlers is frowned upon
I wish they’d just come up with a smoke detector that stops beeping when I yell “alright!”.
me: how did he die?
him: he was trampled by a gang of elephants
me: a parade
him: no it’ll just be a regular funeral
Wife: y is a penguin w an umbrella in the-
Me:*points to dog dressed as batman* so Bark Wayne isnt bored
W:
M: he needs an arch enemy, Karen
My prompt email replies are 10% due to me being a diligent employee, and 90% due to the crippling OCD that compels me to clear my inbox.
can you imagine shamir going through the Bad Freelance Experience…… someone’s like “i want u to assassinate this guy” and she quotes them for 2000g and they go “what? that’s so high! doesn’t it only take you two seconds to, like, shoot an arrow?”
I surprised a raccoon in my garage this morning, and now he’s telling his friends he made a human run into a wall.
I never dropped acid in college but I did drop American Lit, Intro to Philosophy, General Chemistry and Phys Ed.
If you say the word gaslighting 3 times in a mirror it summons Shaggy singing It Wasn’t Me
My wife’s job is to announce our exit is two miles away when we pass a big sign that says our exit is two miles away.
Apparently, changing your profile to “Flirty, dirty and a little squirty” gets you kicked out of Christian Mingle.
My first and biggest lesson in framing was when I saw my uncle asking 3 children who wanted to take a bath and they all squirmed and loudly yelled NOOOO and then he asked “Who wants to be the FIRST! to take a bath?” and they literally started fighting to be the first
Cop: this whole crime scene is fishy
Cat Detective: *flashing badge* ok i’ll take it from here
On a 1st date, I like to order the family meal so he gets an idea of who he’s dealing with.
Can’t decide if I want to join a cult or a woodchipper.
Toddlers be like, we can do this the hard way or the harder way.
*watches soccer*
*watches soccer*
*watches soccer*
*watches soccer*
*has to pee*
*watches soccer*
*gets up to pee*
*misses goal*
:/
Scanned a customer in the eyes with a barcode reader for being rude to me….
…should have seen the look on his face, it was priceless
Is it still ‘breakfast’ if you have had midnight snacks in four equal intervals before you woke up formally?
I can’t be a sellout. I have no idea what anyone wants.
