Am I the only one that still asks barking dogs if there’s someone stuck at the bottom of a well?
You Might Also Like
Dentist: “When was the last time you flossed?”
Me: “BRO, you were there.”
2020: Everyone needs to count their steps every day!
2025: How walking is actually killing you.
When a cop tells you to “spread ’em” he is not flirting. I know this now.
son: Where’s mom? I need her to sign my permission slip
me: I can do it
son: My teacher said it has to be an adult
Her: I have butterflies in my stomach
Me (trying to impress): My skull is full of wasps
If you wear oversized sweats to the grocery store, and an attractive man smiles at you, is it a flirty smile or a pity smile?
Me: I changed your diapers, I cook our meals – I basically spend my days doing things to take care of you. Pretty sure I can pour fake tea correctly
My 4-year-old:
Me:
4-year-old: You’re spilling.
They say the camera adds 10 lbs.
Looks like fast food added the other 40.
“There’s no reason to be on Twitter anymore.”
*Every other site goes down*
“Guess who’s back…back again.”
I’m just glad DoorDash doesn’t do a wrap-up of my year like Spotify does.
When you’re an inflight safety pamphlet designer who definitely knows what babies look like
When you’re a tall person in a hotel shower
Date: Do you want to go upstairs?
Me: Sure.
Date: Do you have any protection?
Me: Who’s up there?
[on a date]
I’ve got butterflies in my stomach
“that’s so cute. You dont have to be nervous”
[flashback to me eating some butterflies] ok
I’m having problems with favstar. Can all of you trophy me to see if it’s working right now? Thanks.
My goal is to have this whole hand washing thing mastered before they decide to remove the instructions.
My opponent would have you believe I wear a tinfoil hat to block government mindreaders. I wear it to pretend I am from space. No questions
I let people think I take the stairs to be fit but really I’m just scared of elevators
I’m convinced the bulk of my Amazon recommendations derive from Alexa listening to me talking to myself in every room of my house. I don’t even care anymore. I mean, who are we kidding. Just send all the things, Amazon. You have my credit card and know where I live
Doc: Maam, due to the accident your daughter cant…
Mom: Cant what?!
D: She cant even. She literally cannot even.
M: *single tear falls*
Yes hello 911, I put a smaller microwave inside a bigger microwave and now there’s a wormhole in my kitchen
Me: I weigh 10x more than the cat and yet she trusts me completely. So sweet.
You:
Me:
You: It’s a lot more than 10x.
Me: Don’t ruin this.
Remember when your mom would just drop you off at the mall and have no way to get in touch with you? I don’t even trust my kids to go upstairs alone.
ME: what’s the name of that soft french cheese we liked?
HER: camembert
ME: me either
Ladies, if he’s never gonna:
-give you up
-let you down
-run around
-desert you
-make you cry
-say goodbye
-tell a lie
-hurt youHe’s not your man, he’s tacos
gender reveal party:
-boring
-only 2 outcomes
-too much socializingfather reveal party:
-exciting
-many outcomes
-party may end early
saw this in a dream
“I told Stu that he’d had too much to drink,” said one of the four, asking not to be identified, “he had no business being behind the wheel.”
A kid in the park informed me smoking was bad for you.
So I popped his balloon with my cigarette & told him so was talking to strangers.