Am I the only one who gives people in my neighborhood names they don’t know they have? a.k.a. “Running Man”,”Mustang Bob”, “Blue truck dude”
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*walks into Forever 21*
*gets pulled aside*
Umm, we don’t really mean FOREVER.
I’m not a doctor, but I play one on eHarmony.
I don’t procrastinate, I delegate to my future self.
So many designer dogs now-
Cavapoos, labradoodles, chugs …When is someone going to cross a
Bulldog and Shih Tzu ?That’s Bullshit.
[doctor’s office]
DOCTOR: I have good news and bad news
ME: what’s the good news
D: that’s for someone else; sorry, doctor-patient confidentiality
When you make the mistake of leaving a big cozy pillow on the cat’s favorite chair, that pillow is gone daddy gone.
Lol #dogsoftwitter
I never read Clifford the Big Red Dog, the title gives too much away.
It may be an unpopular opinion, so block me if you must, but not all Girl Scout cookies are good. Their “Toast-yay!” should be called “Toast-boo!”
Someone needs to reimagine Dracula as a sugar glider
Me: I think you might have schizophrenia
Me: No I don’t
I relate more to serial killers than people who say they ‘forgot to eat’
When you search “Amazon Music”, Google offers a helpful link to the Login page, where you can’t log in but you can check out some tunes by an Artist named Login.
You love to see it, two of the most valuable companies in the world just pranking the shit out of themselves
Hi, it’s me, your housebound friend. Since I have years of experience at this, and you lot seem to be out of ideas already, I will be providing you with daily suggestions of ways in which to entertain yourselves at home. Ready?
March 16th: Teach the cat a conjuring spell.
In my previous life I was a gorgeous philosopher named Mediocrates
I had a dream where my crush complimented my face and I said “thanks I’ve been working on it my whole life” so yes I’m truly like this all the time even while I sleep
Why is no one talking about this?!
Cat: Grrrrrplukk…Grrrrrplukk…Grrrrrplukk…Grrrrrplukk… [ *Coughs up hairball* ]
Dog: You gonna eat that?
Watching the Super Bowl because I’m a lifelong fan of knowing what everyone’s talking about the next couple days.
when people your age have their shit together and you have no idea what you’re doing
Too many Christmas rom-coms, not nearly enough Halloween rom-coms
I never try to make guests feel at home. If they wanted to feel at home, they should have stayed there.
[First date]
So what do you do for a living?
“I’m a florist”
WHY DON’T YOU LIKE THE FLOOR? WHAT HAS IT DONE TO YOU, IS IT BECAUSE IT’S LAVA?
ME: check out this cordless trimmer
BARBER: stop calling me that.
Thanks to whoever invented the mute button, because I can poop while on a conference call.
The cool side of the pillow just stole my bf.
Sticks and stones may break my bones, but alcohol makes ugly people pretty.
If you give him the silent treatment, he wins. Instead, voice every single thought that pops into your head until he kills himself.
Kinda thick horizontal curvy line, two thinner curvy vertical lines, squiggly line, different thicker squiggly line
-Japanese spelling bee
[on phone]
me: honey I won some free tickets
wife: cool, for what?
me: speeding and resisting arrest
wife: never heard of them