Am I the only one who gives people in my neighborhood names they don’t know they have? a.k.a. “Running Man”,”Mustang Bob”, “Blue truck dude”
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*Cracks knuckles*
“Time to solve an international conflict with the worst takes you’ve ever seen in your life”
Thanks for the swallow!
-bird collectors (you perv!!!)
I wipe my counters with raw chicken breasts because I refuse to have weak children.
The Lion King is probably my favorite children’s movie about running away from your problems until you’re strong enough to kill your uncle.
My favourite part about playing video games is probably thwarting evil. You never get to thwart anything in real life. I like to thwart.
sry
Breath escapes my broken body. I collapse amid dark, icy spears of pain. The fight’s done. It’s over.
GYM INSTRUCTOR: You’ve done 9 seconds
LMAO
Someone at this party is wearing the same shirt as me. It’s very awkward. How did this happen. We barely even fit in this shirt.
A good spouse doesn’t complain about watching their partner’s stupid shows. A good spouse looks up spoilers online then slowly and strategically makes what appear to be highly astute observations about characters & plotlines, planting seeds that may not bloom for several seasons.
3yo: Let’s have a discussion.
Me: OK, about what?
3yo: About why your hair looks like a rat slept in it. If I have to brush my hair, you do too.
I sleep with a water gun near my bed, in case of cat burglar.
When your computer’s memory runs out that’s ramnesia
6-year-old: I can add AND subtract by hundreds.
Me: That’s pretty impressive.
6: Let me know if you need my help.
There are approximately zero ways to chase paper in the wind without looking like the village idiot
GF: …I’m pregnant
ME: *holding a 10-piece chicken nuggets box that actually has 11 nuggets* I’ve also got some pretty big news
I had big plans to sleep in until 7, but my bladder canceled.
My cat flicked a spider in my face just now. Soon as I finish screaming it’s time for me to go to bed
“Yeah, I was hoping you could help us. We’re trying to find a motel that takes cash and doesn’t ask a lot of questions.”
*approaches woman in club*
Me: Would you like to dance?
Her: Sure.
Me: While you’re dancing can I sit in your chair? I’m really tired.
“I’m hungry. Except for anything you made. There’s no way I’m eating that.”
– Kids
Nothing is creepier than watching someone hula hoop with a serious look on their face.
[watching burglar tear apart the house] lmao ur not even close
Paramedic: sir, blink twice if you can hear me
Me:
Wife: try again. I bet he can hear you, he’s just not listening
When you marry someone with the same sense of humor as yours you have to deal with the consequences, like when I asked my wife to put on an outfit I haven’t seen yet and she walks out in my gym clothes.
Pete Davidson always knows what’s different about you when you ask
I could finish folding this laundry much faster if the cat would stop “helping”!
My oldest made us all breakfast this morning, then got mad when his little brother didn’t finish the meal he had worked so hard to create.
I think I’m on to something here…
If you get banned off Twitter now, you get X-communicated
aaaaand send
If I try to film something outside, every person that owns a leaf blower within 10 miles is alerted via text.