Am I the only one who just buys a new printer when the ink is gone? Also, does anyone want to make a sweet printer fort?
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i wonder what my cat is thinking about when she sits curled up at my feet staring at me for hours and sharpening her hattori hanzo sword
Female giraffes on dating apps be like “Must be at least 20 feet”
*at a metal concert*
lead singer: ANY REQUESTS??
me: CAN YOU PLEASE ENUNCIATE
Things that are terrifying:
A snake on my hike
Clowns
My 3yo saying: ‘member your dark red lipstick that I like to draw with?
Confuse your doctor by putting on rubber gloves while he does.
Why are the produce aisles empty but the booze aisles fully stocked? I guess I’m in luck!
Is it still an alien abduction if I packed a suitcase?
CDC: your mask should cover your nose and mouth
Picasso: how
Scientists found there may not be as many benefits to flossing as we thought. Guess none of them have ever been to a party with spinach dip.
Me: *Walks into therapy with an iced coffee*
Therapist: You’re late again
Me: oH No HoW dOeS tHaT mAkE yOu FeEl, DeBoRaH
self care is telling yourself you didn’t hit the curb, the curb hit you
Me: omg I’m so tired today
Also me: let’s stay up til 2am again and see if it fixes it.
Overheard:
5yo : you think I’m ugly
6yo: a little bit yes, but mostly no
Imagine a guy named Kyle walking into Starbucks. You’re a racist.
Even on my death bed my wife will be telling me how she had a worse day than me.
Doctor: You have to stop eating donuts…
Me: OK
D:…so that I can start the operation.
M: [STUFFING DONUT UNDER OXYGEN MASK] For later.
captain: a lot of rumors floating around saying I sunk the ship
sailor: [clinging to a piece of the hull] please stop calling us rumors sir
I wish there were musical cues in real life like there are in the movies so I’d know when I’m about to do something stupid.
I’m a go getter
And right now I’m a go getter nap
Me: But I was singing Britney Spears
Karaoke bar bouncer: You were screaming “my loneliness is killing me”
Me: That’s a lyric
Bouncer: You were in the bathroom
Pet names convey familiarity and endearment. For example, honey pot, baby cakes, Succubus.
doctor: there are two wolves inside of you
me: … what does that mean? am i going to die?
doctor: won’t we all, someday?
me: shouldn’t you know?
doctor: *looking at the MRI* my doctorate is in philosophy
Me: Hello darkness, my old friend.
Darkness: New phone, who dis?
How is Trick-or-Treating not a “protection racket”?
“Nice house you’ve got here. It’d be a shame if it got egged.”
wanted to know why i’ve been napping so often lately so i consulted webmd….. it’s not looking good, guys 😔
7-11 CLERK: what are you doing
ME: *staring at the hot dogs on the metal rollers* watching the oscars
imagine being 93 years old and then you’re bit by a vampire and you’re stuck being a 93 year old forever
I made the preteen life form laugh twice today and I just want to know if I can go ahead and retire from parenting because it must all be downhill from here.
Fifty Shades of Grey is only romantic because the guy is a billionaire. If he was living in a trailer park it would be a Criminal Minds episode.