Am I the only one who just buys a new printer when the ink is gone? Also, does anyone want to make a sweet printer fort?
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it’s so stupid how stores are already selling halloween candy, like anybody is actually going door-to-door this year,
..today i bought a 5lb bag.
Things I learned today:
1) Gel is not short for jelly
2) KY isn’t an acronym for “Krazy Yummy”
3) I’m not allowed to make my own lunch
When someone begins, “With all due respect,” stop them right there, because that is as good as the sentence gets for you.
Watching the end credits of a movie so you can take note of the producer & director and never ever watch anything else that they make
●︿●
“You’re free now” I say to my stomach as I unbutton my pants.
Me: Who made this mess?
8-year-old: Not me.
6-year-old: Not me.
4-year-old: Not me.
3-year-old: A horse. I saw it.
I have a suspect.
Walking around the house looking for my coffee that’s already in my hand doesn’t mean I’m losing my mind.
It means I’m a parent.
wife & I just overheard the kids talking about how they’ll decorate the house after we die, so I guess we’re sleeping in shifts from now on
Can’t wait for Daylight Saving Time to end this weekend so the clock in my car will have the correct time.
Me with a black eye: You should see the other guy – he looks amazing. I think he moisturizes.
Show me a woman in a Tweety Bird t-shirt and I’ll show you a woman who shoplifts in the grocery store.
5: when you laugh your head off does it grow back?
wife: have you seen the dog bowl?
me: *imagining it* no but I want to
The most disturbing thing about accidentally waking up at 4 a.m. is realizing some people do this on purpose so they can exercise.
My niece told me there was a cute guy checking me out at the coffee shop. So naturally I kept my head down when I passed him and banged my elbow on the way out
Did you guys know that protons have mass?
I didn’t even know they were Catholic…
Was going to rob a bank today, but the pen was chained to the desk.
Him: you’re so cool
Me: thanks
Him: …and aloof
Me: thanks
Him: it’s like you were raised by cats
Me: *licks his face* huh?
AC just changed cole slaw to coke slaw so I’ll be busy looking for new recipes
or a new dealer. depends on the recipe I guess
hostess: table or booth
termite family: we’ll have both
Fact: mongooses are super fast and agile and are well known to be dangerous to cobra kai students.
5: Mommy, you’re a BOSSY YELLER who makes people CRY.
My mother, to 5: Yes. She’s always been that way.
chasing after a ping pong ball is wildly dehumanizing
“This has got to be the most boring reality show concept of all ti… wait, did they say TORNADO?”
– Me, totally not getting The Weather Channel
Sorry I threw your baby but there was a spider on her.
“You will be visited by three spirits. The first two will be a waste of your time but the third one, holy shit…”
[Baby shower]
Mom-to-be, opening my gift: What’s this?
Me: A lock box.
MTB: For what?
Me: Your office supplies: tape, scissors, pens…
MTB:
Me: You’ll thank me in 5 years.
If Christian Bale has never cancelled a date and said “sorry to Bale on you” then I don’t think he is living life to the fullest.
Wouldn’t it be WAY weirder if Taylor Swift DIDN’T get all excited at her boyfriend’s games? Like, what if she just sat there, stone-faced?
Welcome to parenthood. Bring spare clothing everywhere you go. For the baby, for you, for your spouse, for the cashier at the grocery store, for the person sitting next to you on the plane…