“Am I the only one who-?”
There are over 7 billion people on earth. No. No you’re not the only one.
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One way to find out if you’re old is to fall down in front of a group of people. If they laugh, you’re young, if they panic, you’re old.
*Likes your fan page* *Hides activity from timeline*
You’ll use a different oven for the pizza, right? RIGHT?
My teen son complained that the house was too cold. I suggested that cleaning his room would warm him up. All of a sudden, he’s not cold.
4 made me pay 50 million to watch her gymnastics show then she did a roly poly, kicked me in the face and yelled at me for sitting too close do not recommend
My husband coughing the moment I got the baby to sleep is why spouses are the number one suspect in homicide cases.
My girlfriend is pissed that I just matched with her on Tinder.
With prices going up and wages staying the same, I want to share some important information with you all. I know a place where you can still get gas for under $4
Taco Bell
[commandos infiltrating enemy fortress]
COMMANDO 1: uh oh, we’ve got company!
COMMANDO 2: damn *opens wine and begins to set table*
you’d think someone in the room would’ve spoken up like “hey guys maybe it’s a bad idea to make one ring to rule them all”
My boss: “Sean, what do you know about Twitter?” Me: “nothing. Why? What have you heard?”
The days of good grammer has went
Nobody was healthier than my vegan, gluten-free friend Chad until the day that baby squirrel beat him to death.
Oh, you don’t have a Valentine for Valentine’s Day? I didn’t have a groundhog for Groundhog Day.
Did you even think about that??
I accidentally wore a red shirt to Target last night and, long story short I’m covering for Debbie this weekend.
Shaggy: Scoob you can’t smoke nitrate ester, you’ll explode!
Scooby Doo: RONO₂! *Explodes and dies*
[1665]
ME:Make it enormous“But if I paint a red cross on ur door, ppl will think you’ve got the plague & never visit”
ME:Make it enormous
Today, I got gas for $1.59/gallon…
Unfortunately, it was from Taco Bell.
I was practicing moves on a stripper pole, when all of a sudden I heard a loud ringing. Then 3 firemen fell from the sky and crushed me.
wife: I TOLD you not to try a 360 with the grocery cart
me: It was really nice when everyone started clapping after they saw I was ok though
Have you ever looked at someone & thought, you sure could benefit from getting a library card?
Kids be so pure. My son was telling me how his friend’s dad works at Panda Express. I asked could he get us the hook up. My son said he didnt know but asked me why i didnt have a useful job for our life like that
I am only one bad decision away from selling pictures of my feet covered in cookie dough to strangers on the internet.
Just when you think you’re getting a real break from socializing, someone organizes a drive by honking parade.
When I see how my boys have loaded the dishwasher I think, “Maybe their father is my cousin.”
I think it’s obvious that Goo Goo Dolls and Lady Gaga should do a side project together and call it Goo Goo Gaga.
Me: Sorry, I pretended I was driving through a tunnel and couldn’t hear you when you started talking all romantic and shit.
Him: I was sitting right beside you. I think we need to talk about this.
M: keuuuuugh…shssssssh…weeeeeee
H: Still right beside you.
me: *gets reincarnated into a worm* well at least I’ll finally be able to relax
flock of early birds: guess again
its prettey gutsy that u call urself a salad, potato salad
Dammit my husband found my candy stash in the bag of riced cauliflower in the freezer. He’s good.