Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

the craziest thing about plants is like you look up “why are leaves brown” and it’s like “maybe you’re watering them too much. but also maybe not enough. maybe they’re getting too much sunlight. but also maybe they’re not getting enough sunlight. hope this helps :)”

*Refuses to go to the gym

Adds resistance training to workout list.

If we go into lockdown again, can we just buy the sourdough this time?

Interviewer: How would you say the Queen’s response…

Prince William: Definitely not racistly!

Accidentally put Red Bull in my coffee maker this morning. I was going 130 mph down the interstate when I realized that I forgot my car.

One time I stepped on a sea urchin and I forgot all about the migraine I was having, so yeah, I’d say acupuncture is pretty effective.

I enjoy how fitbit tracks the calories I burn just by being alive. I like getting credit for that.

You can totally cheat during board games with your kids if after 30 minutes, there is no end in sight. I’m looking at you Chutes and Ladders!

My longest relationship has been with my Hotmail account.

[gets cut off in traffic]
my friend, you’ve made a very powerless & easily distracted enemy

I’m a people person. I live in a house home where I enjoy food meals and listening to music songs.

I can tell how much my company cares by their willingness to schedule a meeting, outside of work hours, to discuss how better to manage work/life balance

Wife:
Me: (swish, swish, swish)
Wife:
Me: (swish, swish, swish)
Wife:
Me: (swish, swish, swish)
Wife: I hate your corduroys

it’s called “no YOU were supposed to pay the electric bill”

Her: Something’s changed in here.

Me: I put a new bulb in.

Her: Well it’s not very bright

Bulb: Okay wow I’m like right here.

Hey nice try, people named Tristan. Or I should say Stan Stan Stan.

When gathering all the laundry I tend to find other items that have been missing for a while.

I just don’t remember how this frying pan got in between the couch cushions.

I wasn’t trying to put you on a pedestal. I was trying to bend you over it.

As a white man, it’s hard to deal with the fact that I have a far greater chance of becoming a serial killer than I do of becoming a rapper.

You look like you can go as yourself for Halloween.

My kids as adults explaining my disappearance: 20 years ago she said if we didn’t hurry up she’d leave without us, & we never saw her again.

* Finds what I’m looking for

* Can’t remember why I was looking

Today my 7 year-old came into the room crying. I asked him what happened and he said that his 5 year-old brother put 80 cows in his house in Minecraft while he was offline and that it was “entirely too many cows” and honest to christ I have no idea how to parent any of this.

My elbow watching me do a full skin care routine on my face.

*stands next to ATM and cheers every time someone wins money*

I get that the mirror in my therapist’s office is symbolic for self-reflection.

But why is it on the ceiling?
And why is his couch a water bed?

The police never think its as funny as you do.

if at first you don’t succeed that’s so embarrassing why are you so bad at this

Cop: “We’ll catch the guy who murdered your husband.”

Tina: “My husband was murdered?!”

Cop: “Shit! Sorry… I have some bad news…”

My wife and I are taking my son up to a little hotel in Colorado this Christmas. Probably gonna get some writing done. We’re gonna be the only family up there cause I’m looking after the joint.