Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

ADIDAS: All Day I Dream About Sellingfeetpics

Nobody:

Absolutely nobody:

Me: If I was The Invisible Man, my pronouns would be who/where

When people ask me if I’m working hard or hardly working, I like to stab them with a pen and ask if they’re hurting hard or hardly hurting.

You’re in his DMs
I am wanted in 37 states for tax evasion

White girl frustrated in the 1700’s:

“I shan’t even”

Therapist: the best revenge is to heal and move on

Me:

Therapist:

Me: are you sure, that doesn’t sound right?

They won’t give me insurance on my phones anymore, but yet they don’t make phones that survive being thrown against walls?
It’s nonsense…

rise and shine we got egg

ME: you don’t look anything like your profile photo
TINDER DATE: LOL no, that’s my pug, Arthur
*silence for 10mins*
ME: is Arthur coming or

Friend: you know what would suck
Me: yes, being a claustrophobic turtle
Friend:
Me:
Friend: how do you even function

I asked my friend what keeps her up at night. She answered, “helium.” Also, my friend is a balloon.

Am not being sponsored to say this but if any of you are looking for a great new way to relax, give “sitting” a try! I recently tried sitting and it’s the ideal solution for when you’re tired of standing up but not quite tired enough to lie down 👍

Accidentally used a toe of newt and eye of frog and now Kermit wears a monocle.

me: I got a cookie just for donating blood

friend: *woozily waking up* whose blood

A 2-hour movie called “Can You Watch My Kid For Like 15 Minutes?”

The world needs a more violent way to give people clothing. ~the inventor or the t-shirt gun

I bet a lot of guys who don’t think that rape is a big deal were super upset when that U2 album was put on their phone without consent.

Customers love saying “I’ll have one of these” while pointing at a sign I can’t see.

You two just need to get out more.

– Me, giving Abe Lincoln relationship advice

Me: Pork chops, in a sherried cream sauce, with roasted garlic and dried chanterelles.

Her: So cream of mushroom soup.

Me: Basically

Yeah avengers endgame was good but I found out my boyfriend is a movie clapper so at what cost

I “accidentally” washed my cellphone once, and my wife has never let me do laundry again…. Yeah Accident

4-year-old: What happens if I throw up in the red shoe bin by the door?

Me: Why is your question alarmingly specific?

4: No reason.

running away to greece is ok. sleeping with 3 men in one summer is ok. not knowing which one of them is the father of ur daughter is ok. encountering the 3 of them at her wedding is ok. only communicating through abba songs is ok. do whatever u need to do to cope.

I wish I could lose weight as easily as I lose my glasses

keep your Glenns Close and your Glennemies Closer

Me: I’ll give you a Wednesday for two Mondays

Stock Broker: that’s not how day trading works

That’s it. I’m no longer running to the store for any ingredients I forgot.
So tonight’s spaghetti dish will just have to do without
*checks list* spaghetti

[presses every button in elevator] here’s how Michael Bay ruined the ninja turtles

I used a calculator to figure out how long to warm an 8 pound ham and thought, “Thank God I spent $1,300 on that advanced calculus course.”