Am I the only one who whispers, “Get a job,” into the baby monitor?
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Noah
You want me to take a shower? the thing that ended dinosaurs?
CYCLOPS: what’s that screaming?
PROF. X: I maxed out the difficulty in the danger room
WOLVERINE: [running through the aisles of a virtual grocery store trying to avoid talking to neighbors, old class mates, and ex gfs] NOOOOOOOOOO
The entire world is the kid in the back seat asking are we there yet. Politicians are the parent saying “soooo close” and scientists are the honest parent.
That job interview was going so well until I realized I was fucked up on acid in the middle of a cornfield naked and talking to a scarecrow.
I went through and unfollowed everyone who is better looking than me.
It took a lot longer than I thought it would.
If you try something new and you aren’t immediately awesome at it, say it’s stupid and never try it again.
“IF THE EASTER BUNNY HAD TIME TO HIDE ALL THESE EGGS AROUND THE HOUSE, IT SURE AS HELL HAD TIME TO DO A COUPLE OF LOADS OF LAUNDRY”
If I come home from work and my wife is gone, I always think the worst has happened. I forgot something she said we were doing that night.
My favorite part of Twisters was the throughline about the storm chasers being altruistic, ditching science to help people, like for instance telling them to go the opposite direction of the tornado, or find shelter, or “get down.” Where would these Oklahomans be without them
If all lyrics were as profound as “I got soul, but I’m not a soldier” by The Killers…
5. I got hips, but I’m not a hipster
4. I got toes, but I’m not a toaster
4. I got hooves, but I’m not a hoover
3. I got badge, but I’m not a badger
1. I got meow, but I’m not a homeowner
Always look both ways before crossing a woman.
“At least you’re going to get a lot of material out of this,” is comedian-speak for, “Sorry about your life, dude.”
Why are trains so expensive? You going that way anyways, just drop me off
Go to the bar with you? Sure dude but know in advance that I’m the worst wingman since Icarus.
“I’m wet and have crabs.” That’s what sea said.
[summons a demon]
demon: oh crap jury duty
[first date]
ME:
HIM:
*20 minutes later*
ME: how about we text each other
HIM: *already typing*
Why do customers threaten you with “I’m not coming back here” alright Gertrude see if I care? If anything ur doing me a favour luv x
Best bird cliques…
A “murder” of crows
A “flamboyance” of flamingos
A “fall” of woodcocks…aka dudes who realize they’ve been catfished
If you see my kid on zoom in the same clothes he’s been wearing the past five days mind your business our homeschool has a uniform.
They only arrested Justin Bieber cause he’s black.
“Dad why’d u name me this?”
I named u after the greatest athlete to ever live
“Oh ok”
Now let’s go, Air Bud, we’re gonna be late for church
I often think of the time I thought I had lost my phone and spent five minutes looking for it while ON THE PHONE with my sister. As I was looking, she asked if I wanted her to call it. We are geniuses.
my family doesn’t like that i’m in a permanent bad mood after they made it a priority group project to put me in a permanent bad mood
Watched golf for two hours
before realizing that
the TV was off.
I’d totally bang him, but how awkward would the job interview be after that?
I can’t afford one of those copper bracelets for pain so I just swallow a few pennies a day
British woman Liz Trussell, who tweets as @LizTruss, has been spending the morning replying to world leaders and it’s possibly the best thing in the history of the internet.
