Am I the only one who whispers, “Get a job,” into the baby monitor?
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My dentist says it’s ok to open stuff with your teeth and that flossing is “the next big scam.” He’s at my house today for a surprise checkup/to ask if he can park a car in my backyard for a few weeks “until the heat dies down.” His rates are very affordable.
An app where you and your SO swipe left and right on restaurants until there’s a match. No talking, no negotiation. Who’s building this?
Never underestimate the power of karate to save a marriage.
“You’re auditioning for Scrooge,” the casting agent says. “No family, no one loves you—”
Batman starts clutching at the script, tearing up.
What happens when you retweet a compliment about how humble you are?
Normal Person (being inconvenienced): I deserve better than this
Me (being stabbed w/swords): I’m so sorry for getting blood on your swords
welcome to your parents’ house, where the wifi password is fEtbqP2LVp3U6Hkh
Idea: Always carry around a chicken, so if you’re murdered your chalk outline won’t just be the same old boring shit.
The Razzi family had more family photographs than any other family.
All thanks to the dad.
Papa Razzi.
Goodnight everyone
The average lifespan of a cheesecake in my house is about 2.5 hours.
Cat: Human, congratulations, I’ve chosen your face to sleep upon tonight. If at some point you cannot breathe, do not wake me.
You look like you would fail a DNA test
Every McDonald’s should have a flag they fly at half mast when the ice cream machine is broken
Pirate Clark Kent: *takes off eye patch*
Pirate Lois Lane: OMG
I think that McDonalds is putting an unhealthy amount of lettuce in the Big Macs these days.
My weird paranoid neighbor, shreds all her mail and closes all the shades.
But never locks her basement window.
Still far too much of my kitchen cupboard space is taken up by ingredients that I needed 5g of for a recipe that I made once 9 years ago, which tasted awful.
I hate it when I have to go pee at someone else’s house but there’s no toilet paper, so I’m forced to use the hand towel hanging so festively above the sink.
Wind chimes are a bit like children. You can enjoy the sounds of your own but everyone else’s is like a cheese grater on sunburnt skin.
Happy April 31st from me & my Dollar Store calendar
8yr old: I’m teaching myself sign language and I’m so upset! Why would they do this?!?
Me: Do what?
8: Do you know what the sign for cactus is?
Me: I do not.
8: It’s the middle finger! I can’t use the middle finger!
Me: Well, I mean, how often do you say cactus?
8: That’s fair.
Officer: Do you know how fast you were going?
Me: *checks Fitbit*
[david attenborough voice] wolves, also known as nature’s best animal, have been cool for hundreds of thousands of years
If you are single, just be patient. Your soulmate is almost done with their divorce papers 😉
“He died doing what he loved…”
I’m not dead
“Interrupting my jokes”
I trained my dog to shake for a treat and now he works the room like the groom at his reception.
Oh.
You have a boyfriendBut…
can he do this…( flexes flab )
[shark tank]
“Hi, what’s your product idea?”
Product? [holding bucket of live fish] I’m here to see the tank of sh-… I’ve made a mistake
I’ve always been a staunch egalitarian, although occasionally I will eat other birds of prey.
imagine if poop was transparent. I’d completely lose my shit