Am I the only one who whispers, “Get a job,” into the baby monitor?
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cop: where were u between 7 and 8
me: third grade? idk
You don’t see many dog librarians. Probably because of the barking.
When a southern mom tells you that you look like a little doll baby you might hope she means Barbie but she definitely means Cabbage Patch
If you ever get buried alive, use the extra time to think about what you did to put yourself in that situation so it doesn’t happen again.
*At a clothing store*
Worker: Do you need any help sir?
Me: *Mixes “No, I’m good” & “No, I’m just looking”*Me:”No, I’m just good looking”
Somebody better tell me what extortion means or I am going to start breaking kneecaps
I’m like American Cheese.
Krafty and oh so single.
Also terrible for you.
Stop talking. They are staring at you. You are saying bizarre things.
-An Inner Monologue
[travels back in time]
[accidentally kills Baby Charlie Chaplin]
I don’t understand why you guys complain about never being able to finish a tube of chapstick, it usually only takes me 2 or 3 bites.
If you see my kid on zoom in the same clothes he’s been wearing the past five days mind your business our homeschool has a uniform.
Officer: We’re building the Death Star as fast as we can.
Vader: I have new ways to motivate you.
*implements margarita Tuesdays*
INTERVIEWER: Says here you do magic tricks?
ME: *hands him back his business card* Is this your card?
INTERVIEWER: holy shit
If anyone needs me, I’ll be spending the rest of my life under this bathroom light that gives my abs a hint of definition.
Us: Hey. Can you show us tweets from people we follow
Twitter: Best I can do is unblock your mortal enemy
* heats water for tea in the microwave *
* delights at the reactions from purists *
Me: And for my third wish…
Genie: You realize that Little Caesar’s pizza is very affordable, right?
I hate when I’m pooping alone in the house and I hear a noise.. please don’t kill me while i’m pooping..
People are all wanting a Morgan Freeman voiceover on their GPS. And I’m over here wanting Donald Duck.
Asked my kid to point to her spleen. Bought at least two minutes of silence while her finger wandered up and down and left in right in search of the elusive organ
[first date]
-so how do you feel about octopus?
Her: I like em
-Whew! [lets other six arms fall out of shirt]
When I say I’m not like other girls, I mean that I don’t mind bugs or dirt. Otherwise I am exactly like other girls, and yes, I’m still mad about that thing you said in August of 2009.
As Vladimir Putin announces he’s seeking re-election in 2018, world leaders congratulate him on his landslide victory.
My cat was bitten by a squirrel and I have to suck the rabies out before she slips into a double cheese burger.
–how I cancel dates
Always trust your dog’s first impression of someone.
I turned my phone onto “Airplane Mode” and threw it into the air. Worst. Transformer. Ever.
I accidentally used my cat’s shampoo, and now my wife takes pictures of me every 15 minutes.
MATH Q: 5 friends wanna split a $50 dinner. But Josh wants a separate check bc his thing was $2 less. Really, Josh? This is y nobody likes u