Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

“Do you know why I pulled you over?”

“Was I speeding?”

“No. Because you have a pony tail.”

“I don’t understand.”

“Sir, you’re over 40.”

[first date]

Date: how much do you drink a week?

Me: Haha, I don’t even answer that at my check up.

Date: right.. Let’s do shots.

Me: i love shots.

Date, pulling off glasses to reveal my Doctor: gotcha

[getting dating advice from my dad]

Just be yourself and don’t do anything stupid

“Well which one is it?”

If you see a man running down the street tonight, blowing a whistle & wearing a life guard shirt…don’t worry, I’m just chasing my dream.

*on blind date*

Her: you wore pajama pants on a first date?

Me: wtf? I thought you were blind!

Can we please stop with the travel hack of booking seats on the aisle and window in the hope of having a spare seat in between? As a solo traveller who has now been stuck in between these travel hackers it sucks. Talking over me, passing snacks over me etc. Just sit together.

50 shades – only romantic because the guy is a billionaire. If he lived in a trailer, it would be another episode of criminal minds

Your 20s: I will strive for goodness and peace in this troubled world.

Your 40s: Every single chair is terrible.

MoviePass 6 months ago: See as many movies as you want! Go crazy! Watch 3 at once!

MoviePass now: you can watch half a movie once every lunar year. You have to clean the theater afterward. If you don’t get the ticket stub tattooed on your face we’ll send the FBI to your house.

If you tell me you’re giving something 110% then I’m assuming the extra 10% is your stupidity.

If there was a cool Dem gov named Unford, and she picked him, they would by Harris/Unford.

she turns her curious eyes to the stars and asks them “it’s daytime. how can i see you right now?” the wise and beautiful stars respond “u are high as shit, my friend”

My laughing hysterically at Tom & Jerry cartoons is always tempered by me knowing that my wife is next to me wondering where her life went wrong.

[Toy Story 5: The College Years]
girl: do I give you a woody?

Andy: don’t– hey, don’t call it that

Ahhh…….I love the sounds of autumn; that old familiar crunch of Halloween candy wrappers on the floor.

An important part of parenting is teaching conflict resolution for example, when my kid unplugged my watch to charge his phone, I unplugged his phone and hid it.

A Jurassic Park movie where nothing goes wrong just 2 of the employees fall in love & later a baby dino is the ring bearer at their wedding

People that don’t have dogs, how do you clean up the food that’s dropped on the floor?

her: i like a guy that can last long 😉

me, a piece of flavored gum: shit

LITTLE BO PEEP: I’ve lost my sheep! I can’t remember where to find them!

DOCTOR: Sounds like Lambnesia

me: why are you leaving me Barbar?

Barbara: because after 11 years you can’t get my name right

me: but I love you Brabra

me: I’m cold can I wear your hoodie

grim reaper: no

I try to avoid things that make me fat, like scales, mirrors, and photographs.

It’s been six months since my last haircut. It might be time to close my barbershop.

gpt-6 will have the intelligence of someone who decided not to get a PhD

Can I come over. I got the zoomies and you have an open floor plan

Sometimes you send an email that requires a response, and the other person writes back right away, and it’s like NO NOT YET.

Bae: Are you coming over?
Me: Yes, I’m coming over.
– Me and Bae having CB Radio sex

what idiot called them crabs instead of sidewalks