Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

[speed dating]

date: what’s your biggest turn on?

me: wind turbines

date: ah i’m not a big fan

me: next

* wishes on shooting star

” the wish you have wished for has already been taken, please try again”

Thinking about the time I told my husband, “I kinda wanna domesticate a raccoon” and he sincerely sighed and said, “I know, I worry about that”

There is no “I” in the word “team,” but I don’t think that means anything about team work. That’s just how it’s spelled.

Worst part of a bottomless pit isn’t the plunge, it’s the endless polite small talk you have to make with the guy falling next to you

I place my finger on the police officer’s lips. “Shhh. Look, we were both speeding, ok? I forgive you.”

I let a girl go through my phone recently so a colonoscopy really doesn’t scare me anymore

You can’t see me anymore because of Ebola??!

Is she prettier than me?
She sounds hideous!
Well, I hope you’re happy together.

*END CALL*

3am

Brain: What if all cats are named Meow and all dogs are named Woof and they’re just correcting us when we call them by the names we gave them?

When the moon hits your eye like 3.14 Pi
That’s the ratio of its circumference to its diameter

Who decided to call it a muffin top and not a belly donut?

If I’m ever on life support, unplug me, let me sit for 15-30 secs, plug me back in and see if that works.

I would watch the Bachelor if everyone who doesn’t get a rose gets thrown into a volcano

prepare for carbonated trouble

Me: I only wanted a little mayo! I can’t eat this!
Him: Does it matter that much?
Me: Well, would you like me to stab you a little or a lot?

To my friends: You smile, I smile, you hurt, I hurt, you cry, I cry, you jump off a bridge. I’m gonna miss your e-mails.

Instagram: “Look at my sushi!”
Vine: “Look at my sushi for six seconds!”

Remember in the boardgame Life when you had kids and collected money? HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA

When I’m forced to visit people I don’t like I find a way to sneak their peanut butter into their fridge

Where there’s a will, there’s a greedy bastard hoping you die.

Losing my mind over the idea that pigeons existed before cities. Like can you imagine pigeons just hanging out in a forest? Eating bugs instead of gutter bagels? I personally just don’t buy it.

Teach one orca how to play Battleship and look what happens.

Time traveller: I’m from the future
Me: prove it
*he pulls out next weeks newspaper*
Me: nice try, they’ve already invented newspapers

Just found seven Easter eggs while putting up Halloween decorations.

Please stop telling me how you wish you had my curly hair. You don’t know the struggle of waking up looking like Mufasa.

[noir detective voice] I knew she was a ghost the second she walked through my door

I don’t listen to my voicemails because it’s none of my business what people say to when I’m not there.

“I literally died.” – white girls in heaven.