Am I unemployed … or just playing hard to get with capitalism
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“Do you want to hear a really good Batman impression?”
“Go on then”
“NOT THE KRYPTONITE!”
“That’s Superman”
“Thanks, I’ve been practicing.”
Oh, your kid gets straight A’s at school? That’s cool. My son knows exactly what to do in case of a zombie apocalypse.
FIRST PERSON TO USE AN IRON: This battle hammer does wonders for my enemies’ shirts!
“What do you see in him?”
– me to the x-ray tech imaging my kid
my favorite thing about Sesame Street is that everyone’s more concerned about Oscar being a grouch than the fact a vampire lives there
Dating isn’t easy when you’re married.
I hate it when I go to hide out from my kids in the walk-in closet & my husband is already in there hiding out from me.
“you are strong. you are smart,” i whisper to myself as i struggle to figure out whether to push or pull on a door
Me: Facebook is trying to silence me!!!
My wife: no I just changed ur password because you kept replying “wow…really??” to all our friends posts
Chamomile tea makes chamomile pee.
Calling someone unconventionally attractive is so funny like yeah you’re kind of busted but I can bravely see the beauty in you due to my Open Mind
Frankly, my stomach would constantly be hurting if I was ever on love island because what you mean our kiss meant nothing. What you mean I have to watch you get to know other people right in front of my salad. What. Do. You. Mean.
where do you get off assuming i don’t love stupid prizes? *proceeds to play stupid games*
I struggle against the ropes binding me, catching the scent of gas. “You’ll die too,” I say.
“9 lives,” my cat whispers, lighting a match.
No Linda, I CAN’T believe how early it’s getting dark. After 4 billion years of this happening I was sure this would be the year it didn’t.
Other than that, Mrs. Gloop, how was the chocolate factory?
Me: I don’t believe the world is round…
Flat Earthers: *getting visibly excited*
Me: …because it’s actually an oblate spheroid
Flat Earthers: Is that…how flat is that
Just saved 2 bytes on my 250GB hard drive by refactoring one line code. Finally starting to understand what minimalism feels like.
Ya’ll ok with me grating a lil bit of my finger into this cheese for the casserole? Too late.
Hobo-looking dad with preschooler who won’t stop seeks similarly afflicted for caffeine, playdates.
You can walk a mile in sweat pants and have no problem. As soon as you have bags of groceries in each hand they’re around your ankles.
Walmart greeters check and barcode returns now before you go on to customer service. So at least two people will know I ended up not needing that maximum strength ex-lax after all.
me: *texting* I hate to leave this in a text, but due to the new variant, I’m not coming for the holidays
spouse: *walking in the room* Did you just leave me a text?
There’s a seagull standing near the people waiting for the grocery store to open, and I kind of want to see where this goes.
{If autocorrect was a person}
ME: I think that’s right.
AUTOCORRECT: It’s not.
ME: Then what is it?
AUTOCORRECT: I don’t know, dude. Aubergine?
ME: You think I meant aubergine?
AUTOCORRECT: Look, I know literally all of the words, and that was none of them. Maybe this is on you.
If you’re robbing my house, just bring a second guy to eat a pizza in front of my dog while you take whatever you want.
TREE: omg what happened to you
LOG: i was hacked
i just foumd out that humpty dumpty is suposed to be an egg. nowhere in the humpty dumpty poem does it say that humpty dumpty is a egg
My mum tells me that she turns the internet off when she goes to bed, incase you’re wondering why your screen just went blank.