Am I unemployed … or just playing hard to get with capitalism
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Stand way over there and let me tell you a funny fairytale. Once upon a time I ate all of your Halloween candy this morning.
[Central Park]
Me: the squirrels have been busy collecting nuts for the winter
Also me: can someone help me get down from this tree
So tired of every man on dating apps saying they’re looking for someone spontaneous. Sir I have anxiety and a career I need a plan.
I wanted to buy Mariah Carey’s preferred brand of mouthwash, but my wife insisted we purchase Celine Dion’s. So we split up, citing irreconcilable diva rinses.
It was my turn to pick a team building activity on Zoom so I typed hide-n-seek in the chat and left the meeting
this is ur captain. sory for descending thru another cloud but ralph told me it was posible to land on one of these things so we keep trying
Me : Dating is tough. Lots of weirdos out there ..
Me on first Date : so here’s everything I know about the Jonestown massacre.!
I’ve just checked and there’s no mention about sexting in the 10 commandments so we’re good to go.
Lawyer: I’d like to introduce my star witness
Astronomer: Hello
How am I gonna to break it to my wife that I’m leaving her for Erica749273674863485
The only good thing about people who wear too much cologne is that they’re easier to set on fire.
JELLYFISH: *to friend* Want to see something disgusting? Watch this.
*stings person*
FRIEND: That wasn’t dis…
JELLYFISH: Wait a minute.
wife: I found a hypnotist who can fix our oldest sons disobedience & dandruff
me: [nodding] a good heir conditioner
This house is Not going to clean itself. Apparently, I’m not either.
[first day at pet store]
me: you want this boxed?
her: you can’t box a goldfish
me: [lacing up gloves] watch me
These people act like they’ve never seen anyone wearing a Speedo in a laundromat before.
Any wedding can be a fairy tale wedding if you serve porridge and release three angry bears into the reception hall
It’s October 8th and we’ve already purchased Halloween costumes for both kids. If they actually end up wearing them, I’m giving each of you a king size snickers.
I’m actually kind of handsome when you’re drunk and the light is low and there’s no other dudes around and you have low standards.
[during fight]
him: I’ll cancel our dinner plans.
me: What? Why?? I still like food, it’s you I don’t like.
count to ten before showing someone that “funny” video
What do you mean normal people don’t remove their pants to eat dinner
Anyone else’s phone make a retching noise when you unlock it with face ID?
Robber: Give me your valuables
Me: *hands him piece of paper*
Robber: What’s this?
Me: My Netflix password.
They should make engagement ring boxes that whisper “Dont do it” when you open them.
Therapist: What is your greatest fear
Me: That Daniel Day Lewis could be playing the role of any person in my life
Therapist: *starts shifting very uncomfortably*
In 2000 years, people will celebrate all this with chocolate eggs delivered by an imaginary rabbit.
~Time travelling me, to Pontius Pilate.
*air horn sound*
*second air horn sound*
Me: “This isn’t deodorant.”
My surgeon is always late, so the anesthesiologist better not be early.