Am I unemployed … or just playing hard to get with capitalism
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(Puckers up & makes best kissy face)
Officer taking mugshot: Stop that.
I didn’t believe in karma until I was scheduled to work at 6am on a holiday.
[at the pub]
I could survive for six days with everything in the pockets of my cargo shorts.
Her: Quit talking to me
Him: How close is the storm?
Me: Let me Google it.
*laptop blows away*Pretty close.
painter: do you want to put down the burrito while I paint your portrait?
me: absolutely not
when my four year old asked “mommy does a snowman have 3 balls?” I realized my biggest problem is im just not, nor will i ever be, mature enough to have kids
Do you think about random little things that occurred during your childhood a lot? Like once when I was 6 I saw a man take a bite from the serving spoon of mac n cheese at Golden Corral and have never been to a buffet since.
[girl texting me] you left a sprite in my fridge
[CUT TO] Me, crossing step one off of my “secretly move in with her” plan
Girl from my high school posted on Facebook that she got a “constellation prize” at a church carnival yesterday. She skipped school a lot.
No, you hang up first.
Me to Pizza Hut
I’m never sure what to do with my eyes when I’m at the dentist. Do I close them? Do I stare at his face? Do I look at the ceiling?
This is the hardest I’ve laughed all morning:
Which one are you?
1. You have a healthy relationship to social media
2. You have seen every video on the entire internet
Just spent 5 minutes waving my hands in front of a manual paper towel dispenser if anyone needs someone to take their SAT exam for them.
People that say, “If you already have a couple of kids, what’s a couple more?” have obviously never had four kids.
Creepers gonna creep
Peepers gonna peep
Weepers gonna weep
Beepers gonna beep
Sleepers gonna sleep
Sheepers gonna sheep
Dolphins gonna eeeeeeeeeeeeeep
Jaws 2 (1978): after the sudden death of his father, a young shark is forced to take over the family business in a seaside resort.
Meanwhile, a pug wearing an ugly Christmas sweater is having a doggy wedding in Central Park, while I can’t even get a girl to text me back
My Grandad had a pet shop. Which was a stupid thing to have as a pet.
H: You look nice.
Me: I’m meeting one of my Twitter friends today.
H: So you want your picture on the evening news to be a nice one?
Me: Yep
I took away my 5 year-old’s iPad as he was somewhat uncouth during dinner last night, and now he is walking around the house yelling “Siri, tell me where you are!”
Therapist: Are you still obsessively using emoji descriptions to talk?
Me: Mad devil
Therapist: You have to stop
Me: Crying cat
Therapist: No
Me:
Therapist: Very good
Me: Dancing lady
My wife’s driver license should say “Brain Donor” because she gives me a piece of her mind daily.
<- sleeps well with others
I want to be rich enough to leave the house-sitter notes like: “If the cheetah looks bored, jog him on the treadmill. He can watch Friends.”
WARNING: People who need to leave their homes today are advised that it is extremely Monday outside this morning.
My OnlyFangs is just me snapping my teeth at the camera and biting someone occasionally.
professor x: what’s your superpower?
me: solving equations
professor 3: wow